Sunday - 29.09.13 in Your Face

Still a bit nutty. That stuffed dog I ordered arrived and I was a bit excited at bed time to cuddle up with him (crazy). Then I worried that my ever loyal stuffed moose might have been upset, so I cuddled him too (crazy). At some point during the night I got up and turned the t-shirt with the tiger face on it away from me because I felt like it was looking at me (crazy).

The retirement party on Friday night was okay. I was a little bit over-dressed but that's always better than being under-dressed. I wore the dress and it was only a little bit tight. The food was alright, but I didn't eat much. I was glad to go home and hide in my room again.

My weekend has been frightfully depressing. I got an email from M the other day, but it's not enough. I feel so heavy and sad. Wanting to scream and cry because I'm so frustrated with the situation. I wish I could just sleep but I can't. I feel tired but I can't ever stay asleep longer than an hour or two.

My weight remains stagnant. I am eating like a pig. I ate an entire block of cheese yesterday. What the hell. At least I am not gaining.

I just want another working week. Get me through another 5 days, bring another pay day. I hate money. I hate that we're so broke. I am thankful that I am able to support the two of us in separate countries, but I am also greedy. It's not enough. I hate M for letting me down, for making us go through this longer than we need to. I am so bitter.

This week I'm getting more boxes taped up to ship. I haven't shipped anything in over a month and I am so crowded in here. It's just more money.

I am just plagued with doubts. Every single day, I say out loud to myself, "I just want to die". And I do, because I can't handle the way I feel. I don't do anything about it because I hold onto that shred of hope that M will get it together, but 8 weeks later that glimmer of hope is starting to dull. I am giving up.

Am I being unreasonable? He probably thinks so. It's not like I can hear his point of view on it, he never bothers to sign into messenger any more. How long does he think is reasonable to find work? It feels like everything we talked about as far as him finding work has just gone right out the window.

I wish I could stop moaning about this, but my weekends provide me with plenty of time to stew on things.

Trying to organise the mountains of crap crammed into this room is ridiculous. I prepared another small box for sea mail. I can't leave it all for the last minute.