Ouch - 23.05.14 in Your Face

Last day working with my best-work-friend today. We shed some tears when it came to home time (which was actually closer to 7pm, and not 5pm). God, I will miss her. She is on annual leave for two weeks, and I finish in two weeks. We'll meet up again for farewell drinks, and probably a lunch, but we won't ever work together again. How sad!

This is just the start, though. I have plenty more farewells to work through. And I thought I would care a bit less, being the selfish person I am. But I do care. I have precious few friends that I actually do love and care for, and this woman is one of those.

I had another shitty day at work today, just buried in tons of stuff, the new me is still utterly useless and refuses to even try to do anything on her own. My boss asked me about something he had been trying to get her to do all day and I answered honestly - she is not trying hard enough to solve a problem, despite being handed multiple solutions, despite having the assistance of the woman sitting next to her (who recently completed the same task for the first time) and despite dragging our two new solicitors into a pointless discussion about it. The problem still hasn't been solved, and I don't have the time right now to baby her through it. She needs to just take some initiative, grow some balls and just Deal With It Herself.

Ten more working days to go.

Very tired, and looking forward to bed, as usual. I don't have to do anything tomorrow, other than go to my brother's house for dinner (niece's birthday). I will sleep as late as I need to, then go for a bike ride, then hang out.

M tweeted some crap about too many Australians being in Santa Fe. I am assuming he came across a bus load of tourists, or some mouthy idiot Australian tourists in a bar or restaurant. I don't care about the comment, as such - Australian tourists are usually arrogant - but it reminds me of how he reviews my nationality. I am Australian, and he introduces me to new people as being Australian, but he constantly comments about how I'm not typically Australian. He finds it amazing how often people ask me about my accent, and where I am from originally. My accent is not that different. It's definitely Australian, but plenty of influences have twisted it into something that can't quite be pinpointed. I use different words and sayings depending on who my audience is, to the point where I don't even really know whether it's more natural for me to refer to it as "rubbish" or "trash", a "bench" or "counter", or if it's "gas", "petrol" or "fuel". It's the same with my habits, attitudes and expectations. In theory, I should be a stereotypical Australian. I had working class parents, there are no immigrants in my family history for at least seven generations (after that it gets hazy as to where it all began). But after spending huge amounts of my life in Asia from the age of 11 through to 24, then meeting M and obviously absorbing a certain amount of his American influence, I don't even know where I fit in anymore. I definitely don't feel as though I fit in here, and I haven't felt that way since I was about 15. In Asia and America, my pale skin, dark hair and blue/grey eyes made me feel conspicuous. I don't speak any language other than English (although I can understand extremely limited Chinese, I am not confident at all to try and speak it). I've travelled a lot, but compared to all the travelling that can be done in this world, I've barely made a dent.

I just worry that I will never feel as though I fit in anywhere. Even writing the above paragraph makes me feel as though I am a massive wanker, trying to make out that I am something special. I'm not special. I just feel as though I'm always on the outskirts, and I don't want to feel like that any more.

So I'm going to end on that flat note, and put my aching legs (still sore from Wednesday night's violent aerobics class) into my pyjama pants and read my book under some warm bed covers.