still freaking out, sorry in Second 1st

After chasing paperwork all day yesterday I got a call from Symetra at 8pm.... yeah that’s a good time to call someone. I’m usually in bed by 7:30 and asleep by 8.... yesterday it’s only an amazing coincidence that I was up. Rocky had asked me to watch 1 more show.... so I did.... Anyway, I got asked about what has happened and when symptoms started and what caused them to flare up to a point that I would seek medical advice. The one that got me the hardest really was that he asked if I’d been advised to not work, when I’d seen the doctor on the 22nd and why I went to work over the weekend. Which is all simple really. I don’t want to lose my job waiting on the Short term disability to be approved. Did the doctor advise you to not go into work? .... at this question I only confused myself. I told the doctor I was in fear of my safety at work and would like to seek short term disability and he said “I’ll see what I can do.”.... not the same as “don’t go back to work”.... now I’m still freaking out....

Will this end? .... So, today.... this morning I’ve messaged Kevin about being advised not to return to work at this time. That though I know it’s retroactive I fear for my job and would like to used PTO for Thursday and some of the 70 hours of vacation for the weekend if it’s possible. Jerry is on vacation and I don’t want to ruin what’s left of that so I can’t really message him till Friday morning. ..... Kevin has not responded. He should be in the morning meeting now and won’t likely respond till after the 9am meeting with his boss. Then I’m sure he’s going to have me call HR.....

Rocky wants me to call our PCP to see about getting in and talking about 3PD and seeing about anxiety meds. I’m concerned it will effect the efforts I’m making with the Neurologist as I do not suspect 3PD and still have not gotten the sleep apnea appliance yet to see if sleep quality is a factor. I would hate to get on anxiety meds only to find sleep was biggest issue.

I cried myself to sleep pretty much. SO frustrated.... I just want it all to stop. The more questionable the question the more worry and the worse off I am.... I haven’t showered since Wednesday to fear of falling. The hallway to our bedroom is like a funhouse hallway, uneven floor and walls keep moving. My ear is soooo loud. I would swear it’s louder than it’s ever been. Feels like the right side of my face it reacting like china dishes in an earthquake. I’m not going to work this weekend… it’s just a matter of figuring out how not to lose my job over it.

I get it I probably should be on anxiety meds anyway. I get that the sooner the better. It’s that I rely on so may pills now.... just add another one? should be fine.... until it’s not.

I just need to be still, to not worry about everything for a little while. Just calm down......

Quote for the shed will be here 9-10 this morning..... I’ll get Rocky up at 8.... it’s 6:32 and I’m already thinking about it. After that I’ll call to see if I can make an appointment with the PCP. After I’m done with this entry I’ll write an email to the Neuro about seeing the ENT and PCP and seek advice about anxiety meds. Maybe she’ll just prescribe some herself and I won’t have to go to the PCP at all or worry about denting progress because she’ll be aware of it. After that I have no other calls to make till 4:30pm when I’ll call Symetra about a response from work. Hopefully I will hear something back from Kevin sometime today and probably have to talk to someone in HR.