Just Wasting My Time.. in Phoenix Rises Again

So I drove all the way here. Five and a half hours. Messed up my hotel reservation, had 200 bucks go missing from my account, exposed my son to covid and didnt even get to see Jay. His band pulled out of the show at the last minute. Guess someone came down with covid. I hope it isnt Jay.

Gave in and messaged him on ps4. No response as per usual. But he was online so I guess that means he isnt in the hospital. That’s good. Wanted to get my hair done while I was here, but his gf didnt have any available appointments this week. Parents got me a pedicure.

Trying to work it out so I can move back but the one likely job opportunity with a sign on bonus isnt so likely. Still not sure my real motivation for moving back. For my son? To see my friends once in a while? To get away from the dry weather? To have the slimmest chance in hell of running into Jay.... yeah, that hasnt happened in a while. Probably because it’s been a while since he was intentionally trying to run into me.

Jay, will I ever see you again?

Found my old photo album from summer camp. The one picture missing is the picture I thought I had with you in it. Big surprise. That was disappointing. I dont have a single picture of us.

Work pays less here. And my son didnt do as well in school, but at least I know a few people. The housing market is slightly less fucked. I’ll always have a babysitter. Even if it is my mom.

Idk what to do. Frankly I’m too depressed to think right. My goals all seem unattainable and it feels like my life is just the end of an hour glass with a clump in it that keeps me from suddenly dieing.

My friend called again. The one who’s blocked. Guess I should listen to the message. He probably saw that I’d be in town.

I’m so exhausted. I just dont even want to keep going. Now that I’ll never see Jay again. No more awesome hugs, no more awesome metal screaming from the stage, no more big Jay smiles, no more evil little chuckle, no more big eyes staring at me, no more wondering is destiny is real and just hasnt happened yet. No more. Just no more. Hes gone. and I dont know how to handle that.

Someone fix it. Please God. I need my friend back.