34 sucks in Phoenix Rises Again

My birthday started off with tears. Continued with the information that we arent doing Thanksgiving tomorrow. So I went and got all the Thanksgiving shit to do it myself. Seems like I have to do everything myself, alone. When I got back from the store I was informed that I need to communicate better. Turns out they already had everything and seemed super resistant to the idea of me cooking for Thanksgiving.

After getting agreement for them to watch my son and setting the turkey to thaw I got a surprise delivery from my mom, cheesecake. I was woken up every time I tried to nap. I’ve been exhausted. I played Minecraft with my son for a bit before heading out.

I went to the vape shop and decided a new mod was too expensive so instead I bought some stronger juice for my frankensteined mod. I decided not to go to kareoke. I asked Wesley if instead we could get stoned, build a blanket fort, watch AHS and play on the playground.

We watched AHS eventually, after jeopardy and whell of fortune and some other shit his mom wanted to watch. I sat on the floor next to the sofa occasionally laying my head on him. It felt peaceful, but it hurt my back. I couldnt are from the chair though and his mom repossessed her recliner a few minutes after I sat down. He was just starting to seem like he might get affectionate but of course his mom wouldnt want that.

I got a few hugs throughout the night and I got stoned. I went for a nice long walk that was pretty enjoyable. I didnt get a happy birthday but I did get locked out of the house upon my return… so I asked to come back and crash on the floor. His mom asked if I tried every door and told me I should have asked what time I was expected back. Bullshit, they should have given me a key like they said they would. I’m paying rent.

I had to go around to the back. I leave the door to my room unlocked. Kerrie wasnt even asleep. She was sitting on the couch ignoring the doorbells with a dead phone. I peaked my head in to check in my son, horrified that he’d be missing or dead. I satisfied myself that I thought I saw him breathing before getting in the bath.

Im horribly depressed. Finally got an appointment with primary care … that they scheduled for me on the one day I wouldnt be in town. Havent figured out childcare during the show but I will have to drag my boy all the way to colorado and he probably wont even see his grandparents. My thought? Their quarantine is supposedly over Sunday. Maybe I should just let them watch him, and stay for a while at their place, call him out of school, tell work there was an emergency. See if he does better or worse back there, see how I do.

I’m so close to turning tail and moving back at whatever cost. It’s so uncomfortable here. I’m sure Kerrie and Asha are sick of me already. I cant afford to move back of course.and work pays better here, and Donnie is doing great emotionally, and has some friends hes atatched to, and we are finally getting our healthcare sorted, I’ve been accepted into college. I should just stay and fight on, but what’s my real motivation? Wesley? He could care less I’m sure. Almost never see him anymore and when I do theres this icy shell I cant seem to break through.

And Jay. Fucking Jay. Moving back wont make any difference of course. But ita another one of those days when I desperately wished I could talk to him but knew better than to message him. I once told him hate wasnt the opposite of love, indifference is. And now I feel it. I feel his indifference in my soul. I’d prefer either love or hate to this. I wished I could tell him that I thought of him on the bad days, on every day.

And now I know why I saw her die. So long ago now. It wasnt a foretelling I think. It was my mind reminding me that her death was likely the only thing that would ever allow Jay to open back up to me. She fought hard to tear us apart, at everyone’s expense. He will never know that it was her. He will always blame me. But I know, because she told me before she did it. I guess she just didnt realise it would take a catastrophic event to tear Jay and I away from one another. I tried to make everyone think I didn’t care, and to my despair it worked. But even then, I was fooling myself. PJ knew. Or did he just believe what Megan told him? I doubt she was the only one though. Kirstie saw it too. She saw that I was only happy while he was around, saw that I wasn getting better.

Jay was exactly the partner I needed in life and I dont think I’ll ever get another. I’ll be alone and with only the one child forever. But also, it itches the back of my mind. If it’s all true Jay, where are my other children? It says that God saw she was unloved and so gave her children to love her. Where are my other children? One dead and one suicidal. They are too smart for this world. Just like I was. He sees what it is and dont want to live in it anymore. But at least I never lied and made it out to be sunshine and rainbows.

Jay, today I wished we’d made some silly pact, to be married by 35 if neither of us were. I’d have one year to go and already given up. Of course… you still have several years to go and everyone knows you will propose on your next anniversary. 7 years he worked. Then 7 more. But you miscalculated I think, because you already worked 14 for me. She shouldnt have had to wait. But then again I dont think she minds. I wonder sometimes if she thinks of marriage how she thinks of kids, just an unnecessary burden.

Perhaps she will change her mind yet. She does seem a good auntie. Who cares? It’s not my show to watch anymore. No relief now from the feelings that maybe you did die after all. No sign that you are happy anymore. The cute couple pics have mostly stopped. A normal progression, but sad for me. I like to see you happy, even it’s with the angel that easily replaced me in your mind.

And kneeling by Wesley tonight I wondered if I’d ever find a man that puts me neither below or above him, but at his side, equal. I know Wesley and I would be pretty good partners, in anything, if I could convince him to get up and DO anything with me he may see how well we work together. I wont hold my damn breath.

In life he couldnt give me what Jay did: encouragement, faith, compliments, attention. Wesley has none of any of those things to spare.

And I’m not sure I can even fall in live anymore. But yet, I keep trying. Hope? Or a Fool’s Game? Who knows.

I must remember, always, that with these hands I can change the world. Or at least I can be the change the world needs. Set aside my rotten feelings about Megan and just try to love her as human, as another of Gods creations. Difficult for someone so venomous, but surely not impossible.

I miss my brother. He would have been at Thanksgiving, at least for a while. But now none of us will. I miss him so much. I wonder how his relationship is working out, if it is. I wonder how his rapping is going, if it is. I wonder if hes okay. I wonder if he hates me and just wont say. I never thought hed ghost me like that for so long. I’m hurt. But hopefully my dad talking about him like he was coming to Thanksgiving was a good sign. I was invited for Christmas, maybe he will go too. Where would I be without siblings? I wish I had been able to give my son siblings sooner. Now I may not be able to. One year. One year until high risk. And it’s truly a bad time. I stopped believing there was a good time to have kids years ago, but theres definatly a better time than this. If I can hurry and get stable maybe I can adopt.

Hopefully I get some sleep tonight. Firat I should probably figure out how to brine the Turkey.