Happy Thanksgivging in Journal

and, it is.
The holidays have always and forever, been a colossal let down for me. For some reason, I would be infected with the joy/love/noel spirit and have high hopes for the season. I would make or buy or find things for everyone I loved and present them. But it was not a favor that was returned… unfortunately. It took me a very long while to realize that, it is not selfish to acknowledge that the people around me really have no interest in what makes me happy. It is not bad to come to terms with the fact that no matter what I did, how I tried to serve them, they would never serve me in similar ways. And it is definitely not hateful, judgemental, or negative, to want that in my life.
Instead of a family dinner or even one at home, we’re going over to a friends’ house. We met when W was only 4 months old and she was pregnant with her son. Our sons are 10 months apart, which seems large now, but will diminish in importance, I think, over the months and years. We’ve spent time together as families and it was so… glorious. It was just a joyous and relaxed occasion. For no reason, or for the holiday season, I honestly cannot think of anyone else I’d rather spend it with. Because they make us feel good, we like to spend time together.
We were invited to the In-Law’s and thankfully, my parents have not been contacting us. We had already made plans with our friends when the in-law’s asked, so it was a great excuse to decline.
Anyways, MIL is in her last days. She was taken to hospital on Monday because she had trouble breathing. Her lungs were collapsing, and her breathing cavity full of fluid. They can’t get her lungs to work again. She will slowly suffocate to death, they said. There is no way to get the oxygen exchanged fast enough.
It’s sad… it’s very sad, but I have actually felt that she died a while ago. She’s not really there. She has no capacity for life. She’s given up, and I think she gave up a long, long time ago. This is just the physical representation of it.
On the way home from visiting her, DH ‘misspoke’ as if she was already dead. Misspoke or not, it’s a shared sentiment. It pains me to say it, but it will be better when she is dead. At least then, no one may hold hope of her ever changing.
At least he finally got to speak with her about some important topics.