Treading Water in Phoenix Rises Again

I feel incredibly uncomfortable with my current living arrangments but the chances of being able to save a new deposit for a place seem bleak, not to mention the cost of moving itself. And of course this is assuming I find a decent place to move to.

My manager tried to classify my anger at not being paid correctly by giving me a dollar an hour raise. However, if I’m not being paid what’s promised, increasing the amount promised does nothing to solve the problem. Expenses seem to keep racking up while my pay still feels so mediocre. I need to get back into school but I really should be stable first. Fuck it, I need forward motion, I’m enrolling in the spring, circumstances be damned.

Nervous about going back for Thanksgiving and the farewell show. But perhaps I should just not talk about that right now. Avoidance has been my only way to cope, however unhealthy.

Really need to get my medical sorted out so I can get back on my meds. I know it would help and it doesnt seem that I’ll be able to have another baby anyway.

I feel like I’m stuck in the mud. Standing still. Making no progress. Tried talking to Wesley about a passion project and workers’ rights. He just sang the same old tune. I was hoping to spur him into some sort of action but he isnt interested in the common good. So long as his needs are met he wont go out of his way to make a difference. I remember when he was young and on fire. The passion blazing in his eyes and confidence in his stride. I miss that. But perhaps it was all for show anyway.

Is the same true of Jay? Will he just fizzle out now and become lazy and contented? I cant see that happening. But then again I didnt think I’d see it happen to Wesley. And Jay’s band disbanding tastes of defeat. Like hes given up. I try to convince myself hes got plans for something new but I fear those plans are nothing beyond settling down and wedding his girlfriend. At least it would be harder for Shadow to find them, if hes still lurking about waiting to kill her. I want to warn them but any warning I could make at this point would just sound like madness.

It is hard not to know for certain what the future holds.

I’ll try to focus on my career I suppose. And my sons temperament. I fear the other kids here are not providing a good example. They never stop bickering with one another and trying to slough off their duties on someone else. Not the close family I dreamed of. Not MY family at all. Never will be. Asha says we are family bow, but Asha lies to make people feel better. Kerrie always talks like this arrangment is super temporary now that shes no longer interested in me and frankly I dont know whether to try to settle in or make major plans to get the fuck out. I mostly feel alone.

I have this vain hope that Wesley will do something for my birthday. I wont be here for it but the hope is that he will do something to celebrate with me after I get back or before I go. I know he won’t. Last year I drove here to spend it with him. We had sex. And then he was never interested again and I wonder if that was supposed to be a birthday present. Weird. But I cant say that I wouldnt take him up on it this year if it was offered. Though I’d probably be dissapointed at his lack of enthusiasm. It wouldnt be the experience I wanted to share with him. What I’d like more is a kiss. A nice long sloppy one. Fat chance of that too. Good chance that he will do nothing for me nor even mark my birthday this year if I dont plan some event and ask him to attend it, but what would be the point?

I should do something for my birthday thia year. Because I’m sure the farewell show will be a most emotionally straining endeavor rather than a fun treat. My thoughts have been on Jay so often. But the fantasies never ring true. They fall apart as soon as they start because they are unrealistic. But ome day with him and only him would be a dream. It’ll never happen. I had the chance for that right? Now that I’m ready it’s far too late.

Try to remind myself to be mad at him instead of fawning over him but I just can’t. Like I told Wesley, I don’t know how to hate him. I’m too busy loving him. And he will probably never know.

I wish someone would come along and blow my mind and distract me from Jay and Wesley and everything. Some amazing person for me to fall in love with and not be lonely anymore, but it just isn’t happening for me. You can’t make yourself fall in love.