MIL in Journal

is being her normal weird self. She sent several very aloof texts; “hey, how are you?” and “send pics when you can”, and then went full pathetic all of a sudden, “Please come for Thanksgiving dinner, we’d love to see you!”
/sigh.
So the MIL has asked for pics and at first I sent a lot. Then she started posting them on social media, without asking and after I’d told her we don’t want W on social media. I asked her to take them down, which she did. But then she did it again, and again. I asked her each time to take them down but it would take her hours or days to do it. After that, I just stopped with the pictures.
And, last year we went to all the family dinners, which without fail included Brother in Law and Baby Mama. It would be bad enough if it was just them being their obnoxious selves, but they are abusive towards their son. I told MIL we don’t want to be around it. And she and FIL of course make it about how we hate children with autism and are too judgemental of other people’s parenting. Yeah. Sure.
So, I just said, no pics. And we won’t be coming over if BIL and BM are there. And I also mentioned that it is awkward to ask if they will be there every time we’re invited over.
I don’t trust MIL or FIL to value our preference or values, so it always feels like a fight to even find out if they’re being honest about who is coming. Personally, I wouldn’t bother with it. I’d just say, well, exactly what I said. “I’m not interested in spending time with BIL and BM.” (I’d use their names of course). And see if they wanted to honor my preference. Or not.
And the Or Not is just fine and dandy with me. I don’t have any burning need to see them. DH is another matter, though. He still has an inexplicable need to see his parents. I feel like inexplicable might be taken the wrong way- but it is technically what it is. DH has no explanation for why he wants to see his parents. He just does. He is beginning to see that they are not good people, but I think full acceptance and closure is some time coming.
I am certain, though, that the simple and straightforward expression of my preferences- that I don’t want to interact with child abusers, and that their refusal to talk about it is negative for me- is and will be used as fuel for their entitled attitude. Something that dawned on me while doing all my thinking is that people don’t deserve a single thing. My mom doesn’t deserve to be in my life just because she’s my mom. If I wouldn’t include someone exactly like her in my life who is not my mom, then I shouldn’t include her. And the same with grandparents. Or anyone at all. FIL and MIL are the picture of entitlement. They’ve done precisely zero for W.
I sort of want to equate it to the quintessential deadbeat dad who abandons his son as an infant to his mother to raise by herself. Then comes back when the son is 18 and wants him to call him dad and love him and come over for Christmas. Like, yeah, and what’s in it for the son? What’d you do to earn the honor of that title? You just knocked up his mom and you left. Are you going to apologize for making a child and rejecting that child? Are you going to offer any kind of value or to improve his life, now after decades of actively making it worse?
Idk… perhaps grandparents that demand attention and love and the title of grandparent are not quite so bad as that, but it is the same essential pattern. A father is a far more essential role than grandparent. Yet sitting in the title while doing nothing of value is a hateful thing to do. It says, “you owe me because I have the title grandparent. So give it up.” while blocking the very real opportunity for anyone else to fill that position with positive and productive connection.
If I’ve learned anything in parenting, it is that it is an active job. Being a parent is not a role. My mom wanted me to believe that it is just a role. MIL and FIL seem to behave like it is merely a role. But it’s not. People who behave this way are essentially depriving their children of any chance of having good parents. They’re training their children to give up any hope of being respected and loved for who and what they are, and to acquiesce to any entitled bully’s demands.