Retrospection in Ultimate Randomness

Not sure if that's a word or not...Anyway, this is just a quick entry hopefully, just a little longer than one I would put in my Brief Thoughts book. I'm really only writing it because I am stuck in my head and I can't figure out how to change my reality. As my last entry in this book covered, I am not really certain at all, despite others' protestations, that there is anyone else out there with the combination of qualities that would be necessary to even give me the opportunity to be a part of their life. I want to have friends, I want to be loved, and I understand that all that requires sacrifices, but I am just kinda the person I am and probably always will be. I haven't talked to D in a week at this point, and I am back AGAIN in the mental position that I really should just leave her alone. She has her shit together, she is taking care of two kids and has a job that keeps her away from home for most of the week for month long stretches. Does she really need me as a complication in what I am sure is a delicate balancing act? And I don't just mean as a potential love interest, but also as a friend. Yeah, we all have those friends that just seem to require attention and validation, but I don't want to be that kind of problem to other people. That's what I have here for. Y'all can choose to read or, as the case seems to be lately, choose to ignore. In any case, it's all good. It is alot harder to do that with someone in your life. Probably why I don't let people in close to me anymore, because I don't want them to feel like they have to let me in and make their lives more difficult. Like I said, I want to be loved, but I am not going to come out of this on my own. Someone would probably have to slowly pull me out of this and frankly, I am just not a guy that women will pursue. Women don't chase kind-hearted, sweet guys, go out of their way to get their attention. No, when a guy gets pursued it is usually because of how he looks, how much money he has, or something about his public persona (fame, power, etc.). I am just not a guy that women look at and say, "Hmm, I don't know much about him but he seems like the kind of guy I should get to know better." So that puts the ball in my court completely and, let's face it, if you have been reading my entries, you know that ball and court might as well be in Antarctica for all the good I will probably do with it. So where do I even go from here? My passion for school is gone, my drive to improve my life has dwindled, I haven't written anything but a poem and diary entries in the last month, and I lack all confidence and self-assurance to even try and find the time to make friends, male or female. And, while I do think that I need to try a new medication, I don't think that will magically change my state of mind. So how does this all end? I am really afraid that it ends with me alone, homeless (because I don't think I will ever be able to support myself properly), and miserable. Yeah, that sucks...