um so. host home overnight thingy. in Moving/SSI/host homes

Yeah so like I stated previously i'm back from my host home overnight thingy. it was. um good.

She's a perfectly nice lady I just feel. like she came on too strong. She got that my mom's has never been 'home' but i'm not sure she got that's why I don't refer to it as such and I don't like it when others do. if you forget then you forget I won't fault you for that. just don't forget all the time.

She - the lady I mean not my mom although my mom also knows this - knows I've been through a lot. and that i'm afraid of being hurt. which well I am. but wow. I know she's evidently perceptive but we just met. i'm not going to for example go up to someone I just met and go "well you're upset bc this thing happened" - i.e. your mom has cancer. that's a bit insensitive.

let me be as private as I am. once I've gotten to know you a bit more then I might open up. otherwise. I won't. the more you [ok someone] keeps pushing me the more I. don't push back although in a way I do as my way of pushing back is by distancing myself.

She has good intentions that's not the issue.

And distancing myself is along the lines of ok well I really don't want to talk to you and so. I won't.

It's like w/ guys. sometimes the best thing to do is give them space. as much as we don't want to.

So now. i'm all paranoid that when I live there the lady will mention everything she gets off me. which won't help. [well I mean it'll help me not talk to her but that's not er. that's not productive].

I really don't know if she'll do this or not.

Oh so we spent quite a bit of time talking about my past nothing specific. just that she knows I've been through a lot and that i'm angry w/ my parents and such. and then after which she's like 'oh ok so we're done w/ that so let's talk about your goals'. so........i'm not allowed to talk about my past at all? or does it depend on the person? i'm willing to admit I misread her.

ok so even if I did/have it doesn't do a whole lot for how I feel. which was that I felt like she didn't listen there. in that moment.

yes ok there have been times where I've thought 'shouldn't i', er well for lack of a better term and i'm sorry if this sounds callous or w/e 'be over this by now? it already happened'. but i'm the only one allowed to point that out. others aren't. it's like ok i'm sorry but you don't get to voice your opinion on how I think about my past [as] it's a v. personal thing.

Yes and I would 'be over it' have come to terms w/ it or w/e. if I weren't so afraid. to let go. bc I know what to expect from my depression, schizo thingy [schizoaffective disorder]. I know what's there. and if I let go? what's there to fill it? well yeah ok so work stuff when I get a job but that could change like I might quit or w/e.

and w/ my past. that doesn't change. i'm not always. like content w/ it or. uh. something but I know what's there. better the devil you know as they say.

oh also. if I let go then.........what fuels my really - well I think - good writing? nothing. it's not as good. or it doesn't have as big an impact. or. things like that. that's where my writing comes from.

it's like frida said: I don't paint dreams or fantasy I paint my own reality. yeah. and so do I. save for the painting part. I don't want to be a van gogh I want to be a frida. nothing against van gogh I mean I like his work but I don't prefer it.

So later today [2:40 a.m. atm] i'm going to talk to Jessica about all of the above.