Just When I Thought it Was Over in Phoenix Rises Again

It got bad again today. I tried really hard to fight it this time. I avoided hard. Every time I see your pictures now or here your voice recorded it doesnt soothe me anymore. Because I know soon it’s all I’ll have of you. I felt sick. Like a demonic beaver was gutting me from inside, but I couldnt lay down and cry and sleep. I have to adult now.

Yet everytime I’m reminded of my age I wonder where my life went. Wasnt it just yesterday? When we were still friends? Wasnt it? My brain still thinks so. But it’s been so many yesterday’s ago.

I saw a scene in a cartoon with a rat drowning, desperately gasping for any breath he could take while being dragged along. And I thought, that’s what it feels like when you hug me and I catch one whiff of that familiar smell of you. It’s a desperate gasp of air. Trying hard to hold onto your scent in my memory forever because soon I’ll never smell it again.

I try to lie to myself and tell myself that it isn’t the last time Ill see you. I tell myself that you will start a new band or some other endeavor and then Ill be able to see you again. I tell myself that you’ll move here to try again. So incredibly unlikely its laughable. I tell myself we will have a chance to REALLY talk at this last show and then you’ll be okay with texting once in a while. Fat chance of that.

Then my mind recoils to anxiety. I wonder if you’ll even be nice now. What’s your motivation? If theres no band I cant be the loyal fan anymore. I tell myself you’ll at least go out with grace being nice to us… well me. But why would you anyway? You dont have a motivation to anymore do you? I’m terrified that I’ll face a heinous vicious heart rending by you and then come home to face it alone in my abusers house before having to drive 6 hours back with a child in my back seat. Alone. Wont be able to talk to anyone. My brother still hasnt made peace with me. Wesley probably wont come.

And if he did? Would it help? Maybe hed distract me from the one impossible moment I’m trying to achieve, or simply be extremely unhelpful when I fell apart after. The comfort he cant give…

I lie to myself more then and say that when I get back he’ll make some grand gesture to distract me. Kiss me, touch me, gaze into my eyes and tell me sweet sweet lies. He wont though. He will sit and stare at me uncomfortably like he does.

Just trying to make it day by day. Never get around to unpacking my stuff. Maybe because I dont want to be here as much as I think. Some part of my mind still thinks I belong there with Jay even though I could never be with him. He doesnt want me in his life at all.

(What if I moved ba k only to watch him move away??)

Why cant I ever move on?

Why cant I be okay?

I wish you understood, Jay.

I wish you cared.

I wish youd give me closure and peace if nothing else.

Can that even happen for me?

Shit, give me one day.

Itll never be enough, but give me one day.

What I’d do for that. Just you and me, one day. Honesty, openness, compassion. Just once damnit.

I should be flying, but instead I crawl through life, silently begging to a brick wall.

It feel cold. It feels alone. It feels pointless. I wish I could be medicated for this at least. It’s too much.

Gotta be up in 5 hours. Guess I should try to sleep.