Sighs Heavily in meh...

Currently sitting in my car smoking trying to calm down thoughts that invade. Yet, here I am thoughting through my fingers.

My current situation with this fool (he wrote me after getting my letters) is nerve wracking. Still gaslighting and I’m fighting all of my atoms to keep from writing back. He’s still trying to get me to do things because we still friends. No we are not. I lay in bed and try to pray. I lay in bed in every horrible moment together is replayed. But I’m the bad guy who disappears because I don’t really care. I got reactions but I refuse to give him anything. God gave me a way out and I’m taking it. Like I want to write and say “will killing myself make you go away??”

But that’s the devil talking. Fuck that. I’m not ever taking myself out because people don’t do right by me. And i need to quit acting like no one cares for me. I got people who care for me. I don’t know what i expect from people. No one will do what i do for others. As of late, I’ve pulled back on a lot of that. And when i say “as of late” it’s been years. I show up for them when needed. I’m here if they need me. I try not to be judgy or tell them what they i think they need to hear. I don’t know anything anymore.

I want to be financially free so I’m trying to do something along the lines of opening a business that people need. Not something trendy. I can’t find a space in this part of town that would be suitable because all the buildings are old and need work. I need real guidance. I need time to go to workshops that suit my regular work schedule. I need things in place and I don’t have anything in place. It’s frustrating.

What am I suppose to do???

My life always comes back to this question.
I really, REALLY need to start therapy before I’m beyond help.

Take care…
Kindest regards,
Sister