Existence and Uniqueness in Ultimate Randomness

Eventually, I will get to where this applies to my personal life, but I should let a little of my geek side come out first and maybe show a little of what I have been paying ten grand a year to learn. So, in mathematics, while it may all seem like just formulas and equations and numbers to most people, what we really strive for is to be able to prove connections. These proofs are where all the equations and formulas came from in the first place. We mathematicians draw up proofs to show the connections between all sorts of things. Functions, operations - there are all sorts of proofs. While proving that something doesn't exist can be fairly simplistic, as proving that there is no largest prime number, proving that something does exist can be tough. Tougher still, proving that something exists and it is unique, the only one of its kind. These can be some of the toughest proofs to write in mathematics. After all, it means finding something that exists, like a needle in a haystack, and then proving that there aren't anymore needles in the haystack. In fact, the key to these proofs is usually having a gut instinct that what you want to prove is true and guessing intuitively where you need to start.

There is a point to this exposition. My ex has told me on multiple occasions that I should not think that she is unique or special in some way. As I am sure I stated in past entries, she does not want me to put her on some sort of pedestal thinking that she is the only one who could be what she was to me. The problem is that my gut instinct tells me otherwise. While I don't want to believe it is true, my instinct tells me that our relationship will be a unique one for me. There will probably not be another. Now, I know for a fact that I cannot prove this beyond a shadow of a doubt, but I can point to certain things about me and about us that would provide a plan of attack for proving this. First, there is the fact that we talked for 6 years online before we ever met each other. That is alot of time for us to get to know the ins and outs of each others personalities, likes, dislikes, and so on. While it does surprise me that she seems to have forgotten how my depression worked, we still did have alot of time to get to develop deep feelings for each other before we even met. Since my strength is in my personality, getting to know the best part of me without having to deal with looking at me did give me a decided advantage. It is impossible to think I will have that amount of time to attract someone else. Even if something were to start now, I would be 38 before I ever met her. I'm more likely to have a heart attack before then than for that to work out. Also, I have alot of weird quirks to deal with. I am a very picky eater. VERY picky. I can be very lazy at times. I like playing video games, or games of any kind, more than just about anything. On top of all that, I don't have the looks or other things that could make up for it. Sorry for this TMI, but it is fair to say that I am either average or below average in certain areas. coughs I've never measured, but being a mathematician, I have gotten fairly good at estimation by sight. And I know what you women are saying right now: "It's not the size that counts..." I call bullshit. That is just what guys like me are told so we don't lost all confidence. Which is another problem. I can't think of another woman who would put up with the lack of confidence I have and still be attracted to me other than my ex. Let's face it, most women will say that the most important thing for a guy to have is confidence. I don't have that. Never did. And, if possible, I have even less now than I used to. I really just don't believe in myself at all past my performance at work. Pizza delivery and barista. Yeah, real tough jobs. On top of all that, she fell out of love with me almost 4 years ago, and yet she gave me all that time to try and get my shit together and treat her the way I should have. Find me some other woman who would put up with that.

So that's that. The more I look at it, the more I realize that I just don't have enough redeeming qualities to offset the negative ones. I honestly cannot imagine finding someone that could want to get to know me, fall in love with me, support me emotionally at times, be that person who persists in trying to drag me out of my shell that I can't get out of on my own, and, on top of all that, also be attracted to me and me to her. It is an awful lot to ask for. Looking at all the things that would have to come together for it to work out, my gut tells me that my ex was and is unique. It may be impossible to prove, but my intuition tells me that if I worked at it long enough, I could prove it true. I can only hope I don't have to live too long by myself because I am more likely than not going to end up in a hospital of some sort. Either the genetic Alzheimer's will kick in and I will lose the most important thing in my life: my knowledge of myself and my life. Or I will drive myself crazy with depression and talking to myself and end up in the nut house. Or I will keep treating my body like shit and end up having a heart attack or something and end up in the hospital or morgue. Or...well, I can't think of any other feasible scenarios. Oh, did I mention that same girl, if she were to exist, would have to overcome my negativity before I would believe even a little bit that a relationship was possible. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I am pretty sure I will never find that combination of attributes in one person.