. in --

It's almost 2.30 in the morning and I still can't sleep, despite being very tired. As usual.

I miss being admired. I used to have many people chasing me. I was wanted. I guess. I don't know. I'm not even that pretty, so I guess I had some sort of charm going for me. Now my world is so quiet and boring. And lonely. And I just sort of drift around being a robot.

I am always so bored. Why am I so bored? This is what I've always wanted. I am supposed to be content. But I never am. I don't want to be in the house all the time. I don't want to clean all the time. I hate cleaning. I hate washing. Dishes make me sick.

We do things as a family sometimes. It's nice. I like doing things like that. But I want to do grown-up things. I think I've been so shut-in for my entire young adult life and now I see it quickly slipping away and I regret so much of it. I wish I could go back. I wish I could just stop. I'd change so much.

I don't think Jacob is happy to be with me. I feel like I hardly know him anymore. I bring him down. We fight a lot. I feel like half the things I say make him angry and I don't mean to.

He asked me why I can't be a "normal" mom. That I'm always complaining and I get frustrated a lot. I don't know what to say. I want to be a normal mom so badly. I feel like my kids deserve better than me. They are so precious and I love them with an intensity that overwhelms me and I never thought it was possible to love anyone so much. But love isn't always enough.

I don't know how to be better. We have time alone together sometimes. It doesn't seem to do anything. It feels like we are complacent with each other. I don't think he resents me, we're just kind of "there." When we met, I had never felt so in love with someone. We are very close, very quicky. Best friends. When he touched me, it felt like electricity. That feels like it was another lifetime ago. I know that being in the honeymoon stage only lasts so long, and it's normal for those feelings to subside and then that is replaced with a deeper love for some people. I know I love him very much and I don't want to be with anyone else, but it feels like we aren't happy right now. I miss him. I miss just laying in bed watching Netflix and just being together. I don't know how to get that back.

I've never thought I deserved Jacob and I still don't. He is so caring and intelligent, and I am more self-centered and I hate that about myself. I am not sure how to make our relationship better. I don't feel close with him. I don't remember the last time we had sex. I don't even want sex. I wanted to all week, but it's pointless and I don't feel sexy. It is much more convenient to not have a sex drive, so I don't mind it. I feel like it is more for him. But he hasn't seemed to want it anyway.

I wish I had real friends. A social life sounds like it would be a nice thing to have.

I have been very neauseated lately. I guess that is normal, I remember it happening with my first pregnancy in my third trimester. It still is not pleasant, however.