Rosary in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I don't really believe in ceremonies. I feel like they are this giant placebo.

Graduation. I never went to my high school graduation. I was supposed to be giving a speech, I told my school that I would. But I was so displeased that I didn't show up and ignored the whole day. Instead I left on a jet plane to New Orleans and began deprogramming all the bullshit that they'd spent the last 13 years shoving into my head. As I approach the end of the college, people are asking what I'm doing about graduation. I'm happy that I'm finishing in March instead of being here all the way through June, when commencement happens. I have friends who are graduating in a few weeks, and it's crazy the amount of money they are spending. The actual cost to get your degree is something around $50. The cost of getting the cap and gown and all the other trappings of the commencement ceremony: $700. No thank you. I'll get my damned piece of paper that actually cost me $60,000 and leave like someone who paid a brand new price for a used car.

Birthdays. They really are just ceremonies. I think people realize that because they stop getting enthusiastic about them when they reach my age. I really wanted to have an amazing 30th birthday, I was ready for the ceremony. I haven't properly celebrated my birthday since I was 22. I haven't just taken a day to celebrate me with other people in a long time. Ah, but that's where the flaw in the plan comes into play. "Other people." As much as I enjoy the friends I've made down here, I'm not sure I have people of quality down here that truly want to put in time and effort to celebrate my birthday. They say they do, but then they don't. I used to keep track of years (i.e. "Twenty-six was a good year for me" or "Twenty-eight was awful, try to get through it as fast as possible") but then I realized that barriers of time are just mental barriers.

Time is an ocean that constantly flows in all directions at once. We can pick out one specific moment like a drop of water but really it belongs back in that ocean. It doesn't make sense without its whole.

Weddings. I have said numerous times that I will never get married. I'm not sure if that's accurate or not, but I do think that there is some merit to the spectacle of marriage. I have done some pretty selfish things and I think that if I met someone who wanted to get married, it would be something I would try to pass off as a sacrifice, but secretly, if I loved someone enough to let them make me marry them, I'd probably want it too. Remember, I was raised Christian, nothing brings out the drama in me like a good chance to martyr myself.

Awards. I've never really accepted any awards that were presented to me. I think I just weaned myself off of that kind of approval when I was younger. I remember, in high school theater, I won Biggest Whiner and Best Actress (don't ask) and at the time, I was far prouder of the Biggest Whiner. I was NOT the Biggest Whiner, that honor belonged to Kerrin (in fact, she actually campaigned for that award the next year) but when people were annoyed, they instantly thought of me. People thought of me enough to give me an award, and it was a negative award. I was much more proud of the negativity because to me it felt like I was a virus that had infected their minds unwillingly... much like Kerrin had done the next year when everybody voted her for Biggest Whiner. Now I am proud of the Best Actress award (I wrote a one "man" show in which I played an old woman, it was a hit and subsequently ended up being a frequent character in my stand-up act. It's also one of the reasons when people ask me "have you done drag" that I'm not really sure how to answer it. Drag is supposed to be an illusion, and this performance can be an illusion but really it's more of an alter-ego of my crabbier nature that something glamorous, but I digress) because it shows that even early on (I was 15), I had a firm grip on myself as a performer.... I only lost my way once I approached my late twenties. Other than that, Best Actress seems like kind of a hollow award. Looking back, I really think Rachael, one of my best friends at the time, should have won the award. Her performance as Abigail in The Crucible was absolutely astounding. But back then she was like I am now... she didn't give a shit about ceremonies.

She didn't show up to the awards ceremony that year. She went out with her boyfriend who happened to look like a live-action version of Trent from Daria. After the ceremony, Joe picked me up and we met up with them at the swing dancing joint we went to at the time. Pop's was one of the few places where I felt like I could actually show affection to Joe in public. I had forgotten about that until just now. Joe was learning to swing dance, and I was already hopeless... but we danced together and nobody thought twice about it, even in the 90s. I remember Shai-Lin even told us that we moved well together... I think what she really meant is that I had finally found someone who matched my awkwardness of the dance floor. I was so happy that night.

Maybe that's the point of ceremonies. Not to divide the time but to give you something specific that you can go back and remember everything that made that moment special. Maybe it's supposed to give you something strong and visual that allows you to look at the memory and forget all the hard work involved in getting there... planning a wedding, finding $700 to blow on a shitty cap & gown, surviving your mother to get to your birthday... Maybe not all ceremonies are important, but maybe we should find one, just one, that means something to us and hold on to it for dear life.

I remember hearing someone say that they use the good memories of their past like a kind of rosary, a chain of goodness to get them through the tough times. If good memories don't happen on their own, we have to make them ourselves. That's a ceremony.