Change in A New Chapter

Sitting in my living room.

My TV is blasting house music from Holland.

I am drinking a glass of water. Before water, I was drinking Jameson Irish Whiskey.

I have been very thoughtful this past week.

About my life, my friendships, my relationships, my job and my family. Everything really.

I really need a change.

For the longest time I have known that I am a really weird guy. I am just not cut out for the life of the modern man. I have ancient instincts flowing inside of me that I can't put down..

However, I feel like when I moved up with my job, got my house, etc.

Then came Laura. I really loved Laura even though everything that went down between us was so superficial. Actually, I don't think I loved Laura. I think I loved the idea of what Laura was but not what she actually was (if that makes sense?) We were different but in her, I saw something. I saw that housewife look. That pretty girl with the shinning smile, cute clothes and a little dog. There is no fucking way it could have ever worked. Sub-consciously, I think I was trying to be normal. I was trying to find a suitable partner to come live with me. I have a four bedroom house all to myself. It is nice. I sleep in a different room sometimes just to switch it up.

But she was not the one. I was not the one.

I think the thrill of the corporate world has kind of vanished. The bureaucracy, the shit talking, the immature behaviors, political correctness, etc. The money is nice but money is money. I am pretty good at managing it and using it wisely.

I have a nice group of friends and I enjoy spending time with them. I like going to the bar, kicking back some drinks and hanging out. Having dinner parties, playing board games, engaging in scientific project,s playing volleyball, etc. Right now, I probably have the most active social life I have had in the longest time. I am literally invited to do something new every night. I obviously can't attend everything but it is nice to know people keep you in mind.

Despite all this, I don't feel happy, fulfilled or complete.

I have tried dating. I have tried dating "normal" girls but it is just not happening.

I don't get women and maybe they know it. I like to think I am a gentleman. I pay for my dates, I usually bring a rose along, hold doors, etc. I guess that is not enough. It is so infuriating when I hear people say "you are doing the right things in life right now" or "ohhh a young professional well dressed guy with a house, I bet you have lots of girlfriends"

I just want to yell shut the fuck up. You know nothing of how I feel and women don't want shit to do with me. I am not awkward or any of that either. I can talk in full articulate sentences, look at people in the eyes, carry out a proper conversation, etc. I am probably in the best shape of my life right now and I dress relatively well compared to most people my age.

I am just not cut out for this. I don't belong in this world and that is the problem.

My best friend Anthony is gone. Not as in dead but he is off following his dreams. We met in college and became very close friends very quickly. We could read each others ideologies. Anthony tried to go into higher education academia. He was in the process of getting a doctorate. He realized the same thing I did and completely dropped it.

He left. I am not going to discuss what he is pursuing but he is def. after his dreams. We are not cut out for this world. I am not good at doing the corporate shit (I guess I am, just not good at keeping myself emotionally healthy), I am not good at pretending I am happy and I am not good at understanding normal women. I can't read their thoughts, what they want, its all a fucking game. Talk too much? you are clingy. Talk too little? oh you are not interested. Make up your fucking minds.

I need to think of what I need to do. What I should be doing and if it is worth it. My current situation is not working for me. I hate waking up everyday in a mini panic attack looking at my pone to check the time. I then try to go back to sleep and it hits me. I have a few seconds every morning of peace and quiet in my mind. It is a strange feeling. Absolute bliss for a few seconds and it all comes rushing in. I have not sleep well in a long time.

I miss dreaming.

I miss relaxing.

I miss having something to look forward to.

I rarely smile. Last time I smiled was when I tested my friend's spyhawk camera visor for flying a plane. that was incredible.

Anyways..

I want to smile because I enjoy my life. I want to feel like I am doing something. It would be nice to do something for the world but..doing something for myself. That I appreciate and respect. I don't see myself doing the house + office job + girlfriend deal.

*It is not me. *

I miss being happy. I miss not sitting here thinking about my situation with tears about to flow out of my eyes..but fighting with every inch because I have to get strong to get ahead..

I feel such a fire in my heart sometimes. Like I can grab the world with my hands and take it. The older I get, the more the fire grows. I want to achieve so much but first..I need to get rid of this stupid fucking life.