The Two Princes of Beth Cooper in Ultimate Randomness

Ah yes, it has been awhile since I have done a proper entry, hasn't it? First off, and I will thank you personally for this also, but thanks to everyone for their condolences this last week after the death of my cousin. As I mentioned, we were not terribly close and I really wish I had known him better as we seem to have been two sides of the same coin. We are both people who others think of fondly and have good memories of us. However, he was always the adventurer it seems. He was the extrovert to my introvert. I can't really say I understand what makes people think I am a good guy since I wasn't very talkative and was kinda moody back in high school, but even 14 years later, people still remember me and tell me how nice of a guy I was. Well, I am glad I improved their lives, or at least brightened a day here or there. I'm glad I could make people feel better about things.

But as for the topics of this entry, there are two. The more obvious of the two, at least if you have seen the movie, is the reference to "I Love You, Beth Cooper". If you haven't seen the movie, it is about this guy who is the valedictorian of his class and, during his graduation speech, he professes his love for the head cheerleader, Beth Cooper, as well as insulting more than a few of the other graduates and attendees. When she shows up at his less-than-stellar graduation party, chaos ensues. In essence, it is a bit of a coming-of-age story wrapped up in comedy. In the end, the geek gets the girl, at least somewhat. He learns that sometimes in life, really living means being smart enough to do something dumb. She learns that some people have more to them than meets the eye and that maybe, peaking in high school doesn't mean that your life has to end there. It is fair to say I associate well with the main character. Sure, I wasn't valedictorian, but I was never let myself live by being smart enough to do the dumb thing. Although I did not get the same reaction from the girl I was crushing on as the guy in the movie, I like to think if I had put myself out there more and she had given me a chance, maybe it might have turned out similarly. Still, I have my own Beth Cooper again I guess, don't I? Communication with D is somewhat sporadic, but we do still get to talk in brief snippets here and there. She is dead in the middle of a 5 week run of sales trips where she maybe gets a day or two at home on the weekends before heading off. As much as I would like to get some time with her, I understand that she doesn't really know me terribly well and, as such, I don't really expect her to give up the little time she has that she has with family and other friends that she knows alot better just to spend a couple hours with me. Sure, I wish she would message me a time or two, and I do wish she would take those couple of hours to get to know me and hang out with me, but it is a long summer and I believe we will find time in there somewhere. If it doesn't happen before the summer is out though, I will just have to chalk it up to her just not being willing to take a chance on me. Oh well, it happens. Fairly often to me, but that's life. Still, I think if she gave me a chance, it could work out well for both of us. At the very least, she makes a point of telling me I am sweet just about every time we talk. I guess for now, I can take that.

I tell ya though, it has been almost 5 months now without any kind of physical contact besides the occasional hug. Now, if it was just talking about sex, that's one thing. I can deal. But the other stuff, the kisses, touches, anything like that, those little things missing, that is what hurts most. I wish I was the type of guy who could just go out and hook up with a girl, but I'm not. I am not likely going to attract a girl by looks alone and I am kind of a shy one, and I don't have any female friends who are going to think, "Why not?" and be a friend with benefits. All that is pretty well out of the question, so I'm stuck for now I guess.

So what about the Two Princes reference? Well, besides it being a great song by The Spin Doctors, it is kind of the state I am stuck in. If I wasn't so locked in to my own awareness, I would swear that I could develop a dissociative identity disorder. Multiple personalities for those of you who haven't taken a psych class in the last 15 years or so. I swear most days I am torn between two minds. Part of me is confident, that is the part of me that is convinced that things will work out, particularly with D. It is the happy part of me that wakes up and gets to work. It is also the part of me that just can't write worth a crap. But it is also the part of me that convinces me to keep in contact with D and keep trying to get something going. Then there is the dark prince. The part of me that is sad and depressed and believes things will continue on the path they have been going. The part of me that is convinced I would be better off alone and should not draw D farther in. The part that believes I ruin every life that comes in too close to mine. Really, I would be best if I found a happy medium between the two, but I never have known how to gel these two parts of myself, the dark prince and the light prince. Probably why I am so obsessed with shadowy imagery in my writing. The shadow prince is the happy medium between the two and all of my main characters share a part of that ideal. I just wish I knew how to be both, to be happy with myself but also realistic about things. I keep trying to do that but I keep screwing it up. At this point, I don't even know if I can combine the two. I don't want to be alone, but I don't know if I will ever be good enough to make someone happy without making their lives more difficult. Guess the answer to that is the next step. At least for now, D only has to deal with the light prince. I hope I find the answer before too long, because I don't know if she could or would want to deal with the dark prince, and even if she did, I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I made the last 8 years. I want to be better. I just don't know if it is even possible anymore. Anyway, good night to all of you that read. Thanks for taking the time to listen, even if it is always just some derivative of the same material.