Blah-Day in Current Events

A deep rest, that is what i am calling my depression. I feel a little worn down which is perfectly okay. I am out of things that can radically distract me so I have no choice but to rumble with my emotions. I don’t even have my Facebook account to distract me as it was suspended and I also do not have my computer since it started to crash. I just need to avoid opening up my IG and TG. I have not been reading my books as much as I could be but I can work on that. From what I can tell it is the usual just existential dread that is weighing me down. This world war that the cable news cultists don’t even know we are in. I refuse to polarize with those creeps. They will not wake up, they’re an absolute waste and interacting with their narcissism is only worth it when there is an audience to sway. i avoid Gen X at all costs. They’re too irrevocably brain damaged. The majority of them anyway. They don’t love themselves. Love being oneness, they offloaded absolutely everything and have become codependent on the system that is being dismantled. They’re cannot see it. they are cognitively hijacked and emotionally hijacked to behave like toddlers when you even try and stimulate them to… rub a couple brain cells together. They creep me right out. How can they not process actual information? They are that demoralized. I am supposed to add blessings to everything I say but it is hard to respect those people. I do save face with all these post-modern Nazis, at least. For now.

I applied to a few places on the weekend. I am looking for an evening and weekend gig. My boss told me that they are going to go ahead and roll me into a permanent position and since i am not going to school i will just get a second job. I forgot that I had her down as a reference before I applied. I spoke with her yesterday about it and it is all okay. I am supposed to do it through HR but she is breaking the rules and letting me to side step that.

I suppose that i have a new paradigm that my mind is constructing. The old belief structures have to die and that is usually when I grieve the old paradigm. That is what my depression is and always was. I am so grateful that I developed some introspection before I hit a midlife crisis. I am not emotionally incontinent, I just feel exhausted. I spent the evening yesterday falling in and out of sleep after my shift. John, at work, wants to talk about topics that I do not want to polarize with but it’s okay. However, the thought of child trafficking strikes a nerve every single time and it came up. I couldn’t shake it so I intentionally napped. We are the generation that hates children. We failed them and let them down. I am trying not to hate all of humanity for what we are allowing to happen to their futures right now. We really are vulgar and profane. I can’t stomach how far from grace we have fallen. I have to find a way to transmute these feelings because they are holding me down.

I thought i worked today and after I clocked in I realized it wasn’t Friday so I left. Oops. I have the day to myself, finally! Toni is at work today. Yesterday, it felt like the tables had turned. Since I set up Netflix in the living room Toni has been watching those awful cooking reality shows. It has inspired her to start cooking. She has been cooking for us all week. Then cleaning up the entire kitchen when she is done. She suddenly respects that space and it’s been nice. I got to do the bare minimum for a change.

My anxiety was sky high last week, following that is also when my depression sinks in. That could be a factor here also. My toxic trait in response to that level of anxiety is to work out, a lot. Yesterday I finally took a day off from that. My body is looking really good but I can’t stop myself from hating on it anyway. My shoulders are too small, I’m losing my ass and I look pale. My body loves me and I need to keep that feeling mutual. I always wanted photogenic abs and now I finally have them but I don’t lose all selfie control anymore so… shoutout to the old me.

Today I will try and bake some muffins, I will do a few things around the apartment and try not to play on PlayStation. I will meditate and try and get some more introspection to discover why I feel sadness from time to time. I have no context for it. I do have a lot more things that I need to work through in my mind but I am noticing that I do feel like I want to fall in love with someone. Too bad everybody in my city is gross, lol. Judgmental much? When I say gross I mean not evolved. I want somebody who is full of themselves. Who has self-respect, self-esteem, self-confident and loves themselves. These self-less ones do not have self-anything, or not enough and I don’t want to try and help a bitch re-member who they are. Blah.

Alrighty, I guess I should move on with my day now.