excuses, or lack thereof. and blaming others. and emotional responses. and honesty and abandonment. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

I think that. I make excuses a lot. Like oh it's cold out so I won't go to the store. when clearly I need more food in the house. and yeah sometimes it is actually legitimately cold out. but maybe that's just an excuse for me to continue w/ my ED behavior. [btw recovery it's. it's not great right now. it was better last wk. but then I got sick as a result, so. now I've again relapsed. ate well last Tues. and on Sat.]. Or like. well if I really wanted to recover I'd actually try harder.........be less self conscious. eat actual meals in the house during the day. [which I didn't do at my mom's either]. Ya know, I'd stop making all these excuses. I'd push myself. hard.er.

Or. well this person said this thing I didn't like and it's their damn fault yeah so as a result I'm. drinking, for instance. [haven't had a drink in almost 3 months]. Rather than actually talking to them about it. Addicts communicate. yeah maybe not the way people think they should but they do communicate. by resorting to their addictions. cause it's a hella lot easier than talking to people. [and also from my experience then they'd feel better which even though they need to they might not want to cause then. that would stop them which well for me anyway. I don't want].

Ya know. But I feel like blaming other people entirely emits more of an emotional response than being all 'yeah. I effed up'. And, I think. that people want emotional responses. Or than going 'well I probably don't want to think this but I'm choosing to feel this way about this'..........even though the other person was the one who said something.

I know I'm hard on myself. And I know others don't like it. but a reason I am is bc others aren't. I want people to agree w/ me when I admit I effed up. cause that makes it more real. Like I'd go 'well I effed up' 'yeah. you did. I won't harp on you about it or anything but yeah'.

Not that I admit it when I do. I mean I'm not stupid I know when I have. I just don't admit it cause I feel like if I were completely honest then I'd be abandoned by the person I'm being honest w/. And you can tell me I won't be all you damn want but it won't mean much untill I believe it myself, so. W/ Jessica my mentor I'm 70% honest w/ her. w/ Evan I'm like. 80%. and those are the only 2 people. And sometimes it depends on the person. If it's someone I don't know that well then, well. There are certain things I won't tell them. [also if I feel like they'll break my confidentiality then, well. I won't tell them stuff. but that's not really the point].