I'm amazed I'm not a smoker sometimes in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

I'm amazed I'm not a smoker sometimes - 9/2/2005

        One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

Today I came home from work depressed and, I guess, tired.  I was trying to decide before work whether it was really worth going in, but I did.  I shouldn't have.  The minute I got there I knew today wasn't the best day to be dealing with customers.  My head wasn't with it, now was my heart.  I wouldn't have been the most productive person.  I slugged myself through about 3 hours of work, through mixed depressive emotions, including severe self-issues, how I felt about Luke and his new guy, how close I felt to my msn friend and how much he seemed to genuinely care (which is a good thing), about moving out and a convo with Karen at the reception desk when I paid rent this morning, after I said 'one' of us would be moving out, preferrably me, and she goes, 'Is it getting hard is it?'  I said 'yeh I guess' but really didn't wanna be talking about it.  Kind of in a 'piss off I don't wanna talk about it' mood.  And that mood seemed to last all day.  Then there's the stress of Yuie trying to find a place for me and his boyfriend to live, cos apparently I'm moving in with him.  I mean why not, he's not a bad kid, despite my barely knowing him.  I just wish I didn't have to do all this now.  I've got a crush on a guy who probably hasn't even thought of anything to do with feelings with me, I've had to see Luke and his guy (I still guess) spooning on the loungeroom floor when I got up Wednesday morning, then there's the whoe moving out thing and seeing how things do with Luke after that.  It's like I feel so determined for him to try to see how much I've done for him, and that's by taking away everything I've done for him, including myself.  That includes the materialistic things, which he always goes on about he doesn't care about, but somehow I don't beleive him.  The fact that he related me to every other guy he's been with in the way I get upset when he disrespects me, really shits me off.  God I'm so moody in this entry, but at least I'm not crying like I was earlier today.  I kind of forced myself to ask to leave at work today, even though I felt really bad doing so.  I just so didn't wanna be there.  It's 7:38pm as I write this - normally at this time I've got 2 hours at work left to go.  And now sitting here writing this I figure, 'now I could've done that.' - Nah I dunno, I would've still been really depressive and not really into customer service, and been like that all night.  At least I've had a sleep.  As soon as I got home, I crawled into bed.  I've slept for about 4 hours, and am currently searching for something healthy to eat around the house.  I'm kicking myself cos of all the chip packets and chocolate in the cupboard - no wonder I feel like shit.  But I'll eat it too, I know I will.  Cos I'm stubborn.  I'm not even sure how that word fits in this entry or what I'm talking about, but somehow it seems to be the word to use.  See I'm stubborn about 'stubborn' not even being the right word hehe.

I'm hoping he's on msn tonight.  We had a really good talk last night.  He's just so supportive and I learnt a lot about him.  God I so gotta stop talking about him.  It's unreal, I haven't even met him.  Luke and his guy were over last night and were laughing and making a lot of noise, so a private conversation with him was really difficult.  I was hardly saying a thing and thought I musta been pissing him off.  I just will not be myself if I am not comfortable in a certain situation.  If my phone rings while I'm on a crowded train, I am prone not to answer it.  Or I will, but not the 'ignore' button because I'm too embarrassed about it ringing.  It's not that I'm ignoring the person ringing at all, it's just how I feel in a certain situation.  Then I have my days where the phone will ring on the train and I will answer it, and talk normally, not caring about any gay references I happen to use in the conversation!  How dumb is that?  I seem to be doing the latter one more lately though, so I guess that's a good thing.  That's just an example by the way - my phone doesn't always ring on the train.  Just to show you what I'm like.  How self-conscious I get.  God I even hesitated about using italics then.  hahaha, how I'm just being plain stupid. 

I got my Garbage ticket.  I'm all excited about it.  Not just the concert but cos I'll meet my msn friend that night.  He's the guy who coersed me into it.  I know that's not a word but it seems to fit here even though it's not the word I'm searching for.  I wanted to go.  He keeps going on webcam for me, as though he knows I like it.  And this time, he was shirtless!!  Oh god, and he used the most cutest icon.  I wish I knew how to get it on here, but it's this one smiley sneaking up on another one who looks lost, and he pounces and hugs him.  And the smiley who looked lost looks SO happy!!!  All of a sudden this massive smile appears on his face like someone finally cares about him.   It's funny how I related a simple MSN icon to how I dream a gay relationship, or even a close gay friendship, would be like.  Someone to just hug me and cuddle me and tell me that even though the world tells me I'm not worth it, that one person really does and doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks.  I think that's also why I'm so into gay pride lately.  The more people who support events like pride and big gay day, the better and more accepting it may become.  Celebrities like Portia De Rossi and Ellen Degenerous and Elton John and Molly Meldrum and martina Naratialova (sp?) and the creator of Harvey Crumpet really inspire me and I absolutely adore them for not giving a shit about the world seeing them as gay.  It's the celebrities people look up to and read about in the magazines.  Especially Portia cos she's never really hidden it.  That and she's absolutely beautiful and is Australian!!  How she and Ellen got together is beyond me haha, but they seem so happy.  But then again they are posing for a camera holding each other with the happily-married-bliss look on their face, so then again they could just be in a stressful lebian relationship we don't see behind closed doors.  I guess everyone's like that.  I know I am.  A lot of people don't know the real me, and probably don't really care.  Everyone has their own lives to live.  I believe I'm at a another phase in mine, and I gotta see where it takes me and what, I guess, God wants me to do.  I've really gotta lean to trust him more.  It's so easily to get distracted.  But I know what it's like and why that happens.  No use going into a theological discussion is there? lol.  So I look forward to writing an entry when I'm in a new house, with a new housemate(s), with a dsl connection instead of this stupid dialup, in a new location, and having a new lease on life.  I seem to do that every time I move, and it's prob why I've moved so many times.  Nah, most have been cos I haven't had a choice.  I've only moved house twice out of choice.  This will be the third.  How will Luke go without me?  Will he care?  Will anyone care?  Will I be happy? sigh

I love you guys.  Where would I be without my diary?

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

And we love you to Matt. Probably more than you know. I'm gonna give you a piece of advice and I hope it doesn't piss you off. But man from what I read about Luke, I'd tell him to hit the f**king road. Having him hang around the place with another guy is NOT doing you any favors. But you seem like a strong willed person and you're gonna be ok.

Love ya dude!

Ben [Taste The Rain Bow] 9/2/2005 6:10:57 AM

Is Molly Meldrum gay? I didn't know that. I think the msn guy likes you, or at least has a bit of feelings towards you. I only use my webcam with people i like enough to see me looking like shit. But that's just me, he could really outgoing or something. But yeh, I'd take it as a good sign. Especially the lack of shirt thing! That must have been good :) [frangipani] 9/2/2005 7:39:27 AM

Molly Meldrum's gay?U learn something every day!I asked my nan&she said "of course...how could u not know that?" I'm so with it lol.Being open&proud about ur sexuality is a fabulous thing-nobody should have any reason2hide in this age!

U r 1 of the nicest people i 'know'&i havent even met u!Heck,I've only been reading ur OD 1 or 2 months tops!Don't let people walk over,U deserve much better! [jessicah] 9/2/2005 8:53:47 AM

You can move to Texas!! We will kick Whitney out and it can be you, James (Txstatebobcat), and ME!!! Take care buddy. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through these times of uncertainty. [C-Dub85] 9/2/2005 9:14:30 AM

haha, no I'm fine, I'm just going to stay away from him.

Wait till you move out, and then Luke will realize how much he needed you... [Interpreter of Life] 9/2/2005 9:43:32 AM

Love the joke. :)

RYN: I think you're missing out. LOL. [Sex Hound] 9/2/2005 10:52:56 AM

open diary is very soothing like that. poor baby. maybe you should go for a run or swim laps? it always helps me. like when my baby left for college yesterday i swam laps for an hour until i blacked out and threw up and then i rowed hard for an hour and then ran 3 miles (uhhh . . . 6 some km) in 19:40, a record for me. sighs feel better, you're to cute not to smile.

[Prince Zidane] [p] 9/2/2005 11:33:05 AM

hugs

We're staying in America. We're not moving back to Australia. You're welcome to stay with us anytime. We have an extra room. [Rachel Erin] 9/2/2005 11:49:34 AM

Well, I'll be here for you if you just wanna rant or talk, or anything. and maybe you should just move to holland if you love gay pride so much. It's wonderfull here in Amsterdam.

Mick [Amadeus] 9/2/2005 11:50:53 AM

Hi Matt

Hugs

Brandy [TheCherry] [p] 9/2/2005 12:06:47 PM

Hang in there. [Jeffaphonic] 9/2/2005 12:43:19 PM

Hey sweets if your uncomfortable then maybe he should be the one to uproot and move. Also he could be telling you about his boyfriends to mke you jealous and to gage your reaction to it.

It will all work out for you in the end cause your such a sweetie. [SEPIA EMISSION] [p] 9/2/2005 2:50:21 PM

Heyy, everything'll be alright. And remember, keep a happy face on and SMILE! It's makes a difference to one person if you do that.

-james [Beez] [p] 9/2/2005 3:59:54 PM

the diary is a great way to vent and get support, i thoroughly agree :) [HotGayBoy80] 9/2/2005 6:27:56 PM

Good luck with your move! I hope that you have fun at the concert with your friend... [broken.wings.] 9/2/2005 9:15:43 PM

We Love you too Matt! And, DUH! You do matter, and we don't give a shit what other people think, you are a great guy and you are going to go far, you just have to give yourself the chance. You will be happier than you realize once you have this move out of the way. Keep your chin up Boi and you will do wonders.

Huggs!!!

[GardenBoi] 9/2/2005 9:53:52 PM

Hey, just wanted you 2 know you can write me any time. It helps me when I write my problems to people that I have a slim chance of ever meeting in my life. Brett Hartel 1031 Navarino St. Algoma WI 54201.

or if you need to talk about anything 1-920-304-3265. I dont normally give out my number untill the third date so consider yourself lucky! lol. But seriously, i am always willing 2 listen :) [Archer_Mage] 9/2/2005 11:25:18 PM

I know you still love him but I'm going to say it. Luke has a lot of growing up to do and is being very selfish. He brings a new guy over when he knows you're right there? Has it occurred to him that this would hurt you? It obviously does. And he can't see it? Be thankful I'm not there because I may not be able to resist saying something to him. And how do I hook up to your webcam?

Love Jeff [mobyduck] 9/3/2005 4:20:05 AM

ahhhh. Sweetheart, I have been there and it really does suck. [email protected], if you ever wanna talk. That is my instant message address also. Portia and Ellen do look happy. But I seem to remember Ellen looking happy with the two that came before Portia also. Hmmmm. Hang in there. Your OD friends love you too. [pizzaguy184] 9/3/2005 5:38:08 AM

Last updated May 13, 2014