Fighting a Fugue in Ultimate Randomness

How is it that, in the span of 25 years, so much and so little can change at the same time? From spending my time in AOL chat rooms in the advent of home internet because the girls at school never seemed to pay any attention to me to being almost 40 and spending my time on social media and Twitch, seeking interaction and validation from people who barely know me simply because I have so little interaction with actual people on a regular basis in anything more than a superficial capacity.

And yet, in that same period of time, I have graduated high school, gone off to college, been academically suspended from college, returned home, went to another school and worked full time while my grades improved, moved from Massachusetts to Tennessee to be with someone I met and made friends with on the internet, bought a house, got married, had pets, worked 70 hour weeks and multiple jobs for almost 10 years, went back to school which got derailed due to a divorce, moved in with friends, worked my most recent job for 8 years and am waiting on a call about the one I can hopefully retire from.

I was with my ex for almost 10 years, and yet I am still that same 15 year old boy that can’t figure out why girls aren’t interested in him. It seems like nobody really wants to get to know me. I feel fortunate for the friends and family I do have, including my ex who is still one of my best friends. The people who get to know me tend to stick around and for that I am extremely grateful. But it doesn’t make a lack of any kind of romantic life any easier. Yeah, I’m being whiny about it here, but I really try to keep it out of my day to day. Then again, it can be tough to keep it cool with severe depression. Most of the time, I am fine. But lately, I don’t know what is up with me. It’s almost like having a disease you can keep under control most of the time, but every now and then, you get flare ups. And for me, flare ups usually revolve around my loneliness.

“So why not try online dating?” you may ask yourself. I guess alot of it comes from maturing and self reflection. As a teenager, I was lonely and had hormones that dictated my actions. So the outlet for that was finding someone to talk to online who was willing to be that outlet. You get surprisingly good at talking romantically and sexually when all you can do is talk. However, when time comes to actually do the things you talk about, its hard to match the abilities you have with words when you have only had words before, to actions you have never performed. Add that to knowing you are not the most attractive, or interesting, or endowed or experienced guy, and you get alot of hangups. Some of those I have gotten over. Yeah, I’m not the most attractive or fit guy, but I’m not bad looking. I may not be the most interesting person, but I am probably one of the most supportive, sweetest, intelligent, open minded, loyal people anyone could ever meet. If someone needs me, I am there, no questions asked. I may not be the best in bed, but I think I make up for it by being the kind of guy that just wants to make the woman he is with feel good. I’m all about her getting hers. It’s actually easier if I don’t. But therein lies the trouble. I know what I am and what I am not these days and I can see how I look through another person’s eyes from having what experience I do have and knowing what I know of people. Women can say all they want about size not mattering, but it does. Show me a woman who is going to pick the guy with 4 inches below the belt over 6 or more and I will show you a woman who fell for a guy and settled because she loved him and justified it by saying it was enough. Say all you want about how money and looks aren’t everything, but guys with good looks, good bodies, and money rarely if ever have to look all that hard if they are feeling lonely. Women usually find them.

So I see myself, average looking with a steady job but not making much more than enough to qualify as working poor, living with friends, too shy and with too much disappointment in my formative years to be the one who makes the move first. Even online, what woman is going to see that profile with that guy and say, “Yup, that’s the one. Let’s give him a shot.” Hard to have much hope when you can see how the game plays out before it even begins. And yes, you can say what you want about people. I know my experience. Every girl I had a crush on in elementary or middle school being horrified. Elementary school, at least, I can understand. We all had cooties and were gross boys. But middle school? Nah, every girl who I had a crush on who find out was disgusted. And why? Simply because it was me with the crush. Not a “awww, that’s sweet, but I’m not interested.” More of a, “Oh god, him? Ewww, no!” And high school was only marginally better. Every girl I asked out shooting me down, but indirectly because at least they thought I was sweet. So it was never a straight “no”, but “well, I’m busy but maybe some other time.” Of course, I thought maybe actually meant maybe, at first. Until I learned that was just code for, “I’m not interested and never will be, I just don’t want to hurt your feelings because you’re a nice guy.” Or maybe the one girl who actually did say yes, but it was just for a laugh. She was never interested, she just got dared to say yes. Or my first actual girlfriend after high school who really only dated me because her friends were dating mine and I was a safe started boyfriend who could be discarded in a few months because I was going to college. Or the girl I met online who I flew 800 miles to meet and I’m not sure if it was because I would freak out her parents less than the guys she was actually interested in. Whatever the case, as soon as she went off to college, out I went and in was the 30 year old her friend told me about later. Or my ex wife, who said she didn’t feel like I found her attractive because I was wiped out by 70 hour weeks of work that made my depression flare up something awful and had zero energy to make the first move in bed. Sure, I never once turned her down for sex, but because I was knocked out and didn’t make the first move often enough, she thought I didn’t find her attractive. No matter how much I said I did, or tried to catch her naked as often as possible, or just sat and looked at her all the time when she wasn’t paying me any attention. In truth, I feel like she just got bored. As long as I knew her, she craved newness. She craved that first kiss, the first tryst, the first sex. She managed to ignore it for so long because she really did love me, but nothing lasts forever for most people.

So here we are, almost 11 years after she told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore, 8 years after we separated, and 5.5 years after our divorce and my situation is exactly the same as it was 25 years ago. No hope of actually meeting or attracting someone, just trying to scrape by and stay alive, not living but not wanting to die. What do you do when the one thing you truly want in life is the one thing you had for a moment and will probably never have again?