DROWNING IN CRAZY THOUGHTS AND BATTLING THE OLD, ANNOYING GHOSTS OF GRIEF... in THE REALITY SOAP: AFTER DAD'S FUNERAL

Alright, I know I didn't write that much on my last entry. My mood was broken - and I have to be careful. I try not to reveal too much of my work-related life.

I have to be professional, right? Even when some people just aren't. This is not about them; this is more about me. This is my life.

God, I hate office-politics. I just want to work hard and do my best. Shouldn't that be good enough? Oh, yeah. That's right, who am I kidding here? There will always be office-politics and subjective assessments. The good and honest don't always win. In fact, they often lose. They're the ones who often take the fall, whether they realise it or not.

Am I good and honest enough? I don't know. Why don't we let God decide on that? All mortals can be wrong.

As I've said earlier, I've got a career dilemma. Should I stay or should I go? Tomorrow, it'll be their final decision whether they want to keep me or set me free.

Surprisingly, I'm not afraid. Angie at another company nearby has already got my CV. If they really want to fire me, all I have to do is make one phone call to her - and she'll email her employer.

I've also got other back-up plans. Two other online media portals are interested in me too. Not only that, though. I'm still working on my very first novel.

Somehow, I have a bad feeling that I'm not going to stay long. I mean, who wants to stick around a boss who criticises you all the time but never really offers you a real solution to your problems? That's not helping. (That's also why I prefer having a 'leader' instead of just a 'boss', if you know what I mean.)

I'm not a hypocrite; I do need the money. That job pays me well, but what if I'm unhappy? What if my heart's no longer in it? What if I feel trapped, so bad that my creativity's running dry?

I miss writing what I love, by the way. This has taken up my time. I'm exhausted. What should I do next? Where will I go from here? What do I do?

So far, I'm still sticking around for my team. They've been so supportive despite my screwing up unintentionally - even much more supportive than the bosses. However, if the superior wants me out by the end of this week, then I'm out for good - as easily as that. No problem. I'm not afraid. I'm ready. It's not like I'm giving up or anything.

If they ever fire me, they're actually setting me free. Let's see how much they'll regret their decision if they do.

"You can always come back to teaching here, because Stephanie, Patrick, and I are leaving."

Aww, D. You're so sweet. I know just how it is at that school; people come and go. (And yes, sometimes they come back too!) That always happens.

That's life.

Stephanie's getting married soon. She and her fiance Blair are leaving this country. Patrick is going / moving to Yogyakarta in June.

And you? You, my dear sweet friend?

I'm going to miss you so much when you return home to England on June 27, D. There's still a lot I want to say, but hopefully I still have enough time and chance to do so.

These days, I'm trying hard not to cry whenever I think about you - or even see you at work every Saturday. It's very, very difficult for me; you're already like my own little brother, man. You're one of my very good friends who have helped me through my darkest moments, my toughest times.

And hopefully, someday soon I'll get to tell your father that you're not that useless; you're sweet and amazing. In fact, I'm working on something just for you. It will be a farewell present to me.

"Your sister doesn't talk to you much, does she? I noticed that when I went to your house after your father's funeral."

So, you've noticed that too. Kind of sad, huh? Do you think it's too late now? I've grown cold with anger and hurt, while she's grown ignorant with her self-centredness.

And Janey? She loves you so much, man. That's just too obvious. Please, don't break her heart. Don't hurt her worse by keeping her waiting with uncertainties. If you feel the same way and are serious with her, you know what to do. No one needs to tell you. You're already a man, old enough to know right and wrong, bro. I hope you're also mature - and realistic enough - to make the right decisions.

Anyway, I'm drowning in crazy thoughts and battling the old, annoying ghosts of grief now. What I'm still looking forward to is the return of Hazel Eyes in July. Big Brother's coming home! YAY!

Whatever happens, I'll (find a way to) be okay. I always do and have to. Once again, that's just life. There are always people like that - and there's nothing you can really do about it. It's their choice. Two-faced backstabbers, who smile sweetly and express their support for you and act like they're your best of friends - but then they bitch about you the moment your back is turned. Hypocrites, for saying one thing and ending up doing another just to please some people they want to impress - and out of their convenience. Posers, who only know how to act like one thing when they actually have no clue how to really become one. Opportunists - why sacrificing your already well-maintained image when you can ruin someone else's right there on the spot?

Everyone has a hidden agenda; that's for sure. The question is: how far would you go for it? Would you sacrifice others in the process, whether you want to - or feel like you have to and think it's normal to do so?

Some people are such Darwinians. "It's just the natural selection," they'd make an excuse. "Survival of the fittest."

Yeah, right. And the weak is those who care too much. So bloody typical.

"I don't care just how much money they earn; I don't want to turn myself into someone like them," my young friend Nessa had said - and, as naive as this may sound to you, I totally agree with her.

R.