Mood Poisoning: The Sequel in Current Events

My mood poisoning from yesterday carried on into today, it would seem. I can’t shake the image of what I saw when I got home last night. I spent the majority of my day helping my mother get my grandmother’s apartment ready for her today. My grandmother gets home from the hospital. I ended my evening with a bonfire at my mother’s. It is nice spending time with her. When I got home I saw Toni passed out on the couch. She was sitting up, her face was facing the ceiling and her mouth was wide open and she had drool drying on her face. The next thing I noticed was that she drank a whole bottle of wine, 750ML worth. Alone, in the dark. That made me feel some type of way because I still can’t get the image of her walking into a wall after an evening of getting wasted by herself when I got home a few weeks ago. Before I got home I talked about my friend Ryan with my mother. He passed away from his alcoholism. There was an evening when Ryan locked himself in my apartment and I thought he offed himself but what I found was him in that exact same position. Passed out drunk on the couch.

Toni is cold again, I don’t know why I am surprised. I don’t want to feel like I am walking on eggshells in my own home. She is emotionally incontinent and her memory is fried from all of her weed. It’s hard to tell what kind of energy I’m going to walk in on. I am wondering if she forgets about settling the score with our finances. Is she expecting money? Whatever. I think I should look into al-anon. Just see what’s up. I’m starting to think that her drinking is affecting me and I shouldn’t commit to being in denial about it. She is a functional alcoholic, clearly. Big things have small beginnings and I can see this just getting worse.

Toni is not the source of my mood, of course. I am. I am avoiding things and as a result, I now feel overwhelmed with the simple, easy stuff. I can’t afford this camping trip next weekend but I have to figure that out. On top of figuring everything else. On top of figuring my life out. On top of the existential dread from the world war that the normies don’t know we are in. I am a procrastinator, that is how I fake feeling in control. Putting things off and just wallowing in my own self-pity is my toxic trait. Now everything makes me feel overwhelmed and anxious. I should try and meditate and bring myself back to the eternal now. I misuse my vivid memory and imagination to suffer from my own thoughts, you know how it is.

When I am done meditating, I will get myself ready and head over to my grandmother’s. I miss her face so much. She got released today, it should be a good day. She is hoarding so much stuff and I might be compelling enough to get her to let some of it go. I’ll get her to gift them all to us for Christmas. I think that might do the trick. I’m so manipulative, lol.

My mother and I dropped off some stuff at my aunt’s yesterday. She lives on what we call the devil’s street. We are the murder capital of Canada and she lives on a street notorious for violent crime. She is now moving, thank goodness. We dropped off moving boxes. She has a sign on her door In Quarantine until Further Notice. That intimated my mother. My aunt’s boyfriend came out to collect the boxes and my mother asked about the sign. We put that up so people will leave us alone. It’s been up for a year now. That is hilarious. He mentioned my Facebook posts, he’s always been a truther and so he likes my content. I’m still in the FB slammer until Thursday, which I don’t mind. I can use the break. He started making fun of my mom, she’s very committed to the propaganda. She knows where I stand on everything but we don’t talk about it. I don’t always want to talk about it or hear any of it either. It’s too heavy. If people haven’t woken up by now they never will. I need to make peace with that. Those creeple will just never be in power and it is what it is.

Ok, on with my day now.