Untitled - Big day in history in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

untitled - big day in history - 7/9/2005

 Last Saturday night to celebrate my birthday, my sister-in-law phoned a few of my friends and took me to a male strip club. I have to admit, some of these guys are quite attractive.

To get the evening moving, my sister-in-law Angela started waving a ten-dollar bill, and a male dancer came right up to us. She licked the bill and stuck it on his butt, and this guy started gyrating right in her face. My friend Jane was getting pretty turned on so she took out a fifty, licked it a slapped it on his other butt cheek.

Everyone was looking at me, waiting to see what I'd do. I was really embarassed because all I had was my bank ATM card. I swiped it down his buttcrack, grabbed the sixty bucks and went home.

I guess I shouldn't write entries when I was as mad as I was this morning.  Reading all your comments about how you don't like Luke seemed to hurt me, but I know you're only being friendly and sticking by me.  I think it hurt cos I know the kind person he really is.  Please don't think badly of him.  He really is generally a great guy.

I went to work today.  By my first tea-break I had 9 missed calls on my phone from my parents.  I was worried something bad must've happened, so I went outside with my phone, and as I was about to call them back, it rang again.  It was mum.  She goes 'Matt ol' buddy old pal', and I'm like thinking 'gee, what's up?' lol.  Turns out the reason she was ringing was she wanted to borrow some money.  I said 'how much?' and she said '$1000'.  I told her it's the worst time to possibly ask me for money, right after my holidays when I don't get paid til next week. So I don't have that much money.  She said that was okay, was just wondering.  I really don't get it.  I think all of my siblings (I have 3) have borrowed money from my parents when they were in financial strife (all but the possibility of my sister maybe), yet I never have!  And my MUM is asking me for money?  Yeah I'm the gay guy who's relationship with you has completely changed and you don't like me being gay, yet you want $1000?  I mean I would give it to my mum in a second, cos I love her.  I have really great parents, despite the gay thing.  I keep thinking it could have been much worse.  I just wish my relationship was closer to them.  I feel really bad cos I lied to her, I said I didn't have the money, but I do have some put aside that would be enough.  I'm just afraid I might need that for when tax time rolls around.  Gosh I feel so bad for lying to her, but I really don't want to throw away that much money like that!  It was for something not necessary anyway.  Why doesn't she go to my sister? She's loaded! lol.  Not me!  Today was the last day of my work week, so I'm relieved I get to sleep in tomorrow morning. 

I got home from work to find a note on my computer screen, which said 'matty'.  As soon as I saw it I thought 'oh no'. I thought he woulda been annoyed that I'd made him his own account and changed the password.  Like I said this morning, he stomped out the door and neither of us said a word to each other.  I'm not going to go into details on what the note said, but it was a page long letter.  He thought I'd read his phone messages and was apogising about how he was helping a gay guy come out.  Now I haven't read his messages at ALL so I have no idea what he was on about, but I guess I do now.  He thought that's what I was pissed about, but I didn't even know he'd been helping this gay guy come out, and said all he'd done was hug him, and assured me that he hadn't cheated on me.  You might notice I'm talking in past tense.  Reason for this, is another part of the letter read, "I think we should call it quits."

Yep.  I guess it was gunna happen.  He's obviously not here tonight cos I don't think he could bare to see me.  He was crying as he finished writing the letter, and I was crying as I finished reading it.  He assured me that I'll always be a part of his heart.  I know he'll always be a part of mine also.  One of my pillows and blankets aren't on the bed, so he's probably sleeping at a friend's house tonight.  I don't know how long for, but I hope it won't be for too long.  Surprisingly I'm handling this very well.  i guess I was waiting for this to happen I guess.  Luke says he can't commit to me when he has so much going on in his head.  I've only cried a bit tonight, but I've been doing a lot to distract myself, like watching tv and listening to music.  I don't know how long it'll be until Luke comes back home, and knowing Luke like I do, he could even move out.  Then I'll be stuffed trying to pay rent and the bills all by myself.  It'll either be that, or what I'm hoping, which is that we'll be able to go back to being friends.  I don't think we were completely honest with each other, but it wasn't until i read the letter that I even knew he was helping out another gay guy.  I still don't believe he could've ever cheated on me, but one thing he said to me keeps running through my head.  he said to me once, "Matt, if I was ever going to cheat on you, which I wouldn't, I would call you up and break up with you first, not cheat on you."  Well, the letter was a break-up, so does that mean...?  yeah you figure it out.  It'd be nice to know where he is, but I guess this is a time we both need our space.  He probably thinks I don't want to see him, but I really do.  Sleeping arrangements will be strange.  We have a spare room but it's really small.  I don't feel right sleeping in the same bed as him when he's not my boyfriend.  But who knows?  He mightn't be back for days.  Feels so strange being single.  Please leave applications on this entry! lol.

 I have nothing against him.  He's a wonderful guy and I guess it's time to reflect on the greatest times I had with the best boyfriend I ever had.  I'll always love you (sings whitney lol).  Take care guys!

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

no, you should write them. you have a right. this is a diary and it records YOUR notes, YOUR thoughts, etc. so don't be afraid of YOUR emotions. FIRST NOTE!

[Prince Zidane] 7/9/2005 9:24:32 AM

awwww I am so sorry Matt, I think Luke does love you but with the whole moving thing he's trying to make it better for you. Don't forgt the great times you had with him and if it is the end it will be easier on both of you. I had to do that with Michael and we are still friends..But now he think he's gay but he's not sure.

Poor guy,but I could care less he's a great person. Funny I don't see [Mermy] 7/9/2005 9:28:45 AM

people in love as gurl/boy or boy/boy gurl/gurl. I believe you can't chose who you love and it's just to people who love each other. Does not matter if there same sex or 20 years in age love has no rules. Stay strong and you have friends who love you for being you..and are here for you.... Huggs Mermz

[Mermy] 7/9/2005 9:31:40 AM

lol thanks for the notes I was noting you at the same time how funny....Yeah Chris is way hott!!!! Huggs Mermz

[Mermy] 7/9/2005 9:33:50 AM

HUGS I'm sorry, Matt. :(

Makes me sad :(

I suppose I could just repeat what others said by thinking of the good times you had with him, but I feel like that I would be over doing it.

I'm speechless because I've never been through a real break up.

Sorry kiddo, I'm here for ya.

-James [Beez] [p] 7/9/2005 10:03:18 AM

Don't worry, your an attractive 21 year old so your bound to find another guy. You should go to a gay bar and scope out some hotties!

Brett Hartel

P.S. I am glad your doing ok. But if you ever start to think about him and sadden yourself, remember that he is the one without! [Archer_Mage] 7/9/2005 11:03:00 AM

That Whitney song.I was crying to that this morning.I cant belive you and I both are going through this at the same time.I think talking to you will help me.REading your entry did.I feel so confused and so incredibly hurt.I feel not myself at all.Ive been staying very very busy also, Im determind not to let this have a negative outcome on me.Im too mature for that.You seem to be also. im sorry [shrektrek] 7/9/2005 11:30:18 AM

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. huge hugs I don't know what to say. You know where to find me if you wanna talk, okay? I love you much. [Orange Blossom] 7/9/2005 12:03:38 PM

Well its good that you write when you are upset...that way it doesnt just buried deep down...Because let me tell ya from personal experience, it will come back to bite you in the ass lol

RYN Myspace is just about as bad as OD..I am constantly on them both LOL oh well :)

HUGS to you [Drewbeous fagrid] 7/9/2005 12:44:02 PM

Matt I never meant to bad mouth Luke. Here's the way it is: Sometimes if you love something you will have to let it go. If it comes back to you then it was yours.nIf it doesn't come back, then you never really had it anyway. I hope you know what I'm trying to say. You're one of the most awesome guys on OD and my heart goes out to you in many ways.

Much love to you,

Ben [Taste The Rain Bow] 7/9/2005 2:20:58 PM

ack, im so sorry about luke, but, look on the bright side i suppose, you'll have tons of time to pay yourself some attention, read some books and meet tins of new people! right? the world is your oyster. luke was asking you to pay for it, but now youre at the sea! free oysters, yay! how i love metaphores, in anycase, luke gone means a new beginning, a new 'chapter' in your life,hope this helps :) [penfifteen] 7/9/2005 2:31:55 PM

Matt, I'm so sorry to read about this. Please know that you have friends here, even if it seems a bit strange. Good luck in whatever lies ahead.

Love,

Jack

[mikeysjack] 7/9/2005 10:26:35 PM

I have a friend who grew up in QLD... her name is Louise Dunn...she has a twin brother named Angus. That's what I thought of when I saw your note and read your diary description. That and "wow, he's cute" [doodlebugg] 7/9/2005 10:57:45 PM

hey. Aww im so sorry hey. break ups are always so hard but its great to see you are handling it well =). I hope you guys can stay friends and it looks like he cares about u alot so i see no reason why u shouldnt be. maybe send him a msg and reassure him that ur not mad and u do wanna be friends cos he might think u dont want to. hope it works out. ps thanks for the note

much love [miss_barbie] 7/9/2005 11:48:23 PM

Matt, like I said in the email, if you feel like talking let me know and I'll call.

Love and Hugs from Jeff [mobyduck] 7/9/2005 11:54:27 PM

Aww I am so sorry hugs. I didn't mean to offend u wit my last msg, hope I didn't, but as u said everyone who left those notes just loves u and hates seein u upset and hurt. Mwah! [x2c] 7/10/2005 1:46:23 AM

Love love love to you!!! [Nightatsea] 7/10/2005 3:37:51 AM

i met a hot gay boy named luke tonight!

so hot!

this has been:

A drunken note! [HotGayBoy80] [p] 7/10/2005 4:08:11 AM

aww I know how you feel. Sometimes I go ballistic and write a foot long page bitching about Mark. But since people don't know me they just assume he's an asshole when really he's not. It's easier to write about the bad stuff because 1-it's therapeutic and 2- you express the good stuff all the time so you don't feel like writing it as much, the bad stuff you keep to yourself [.Konstantine.] 7/10/2005 4:44:25 AM

HUGS Sorry you haven't had the best week. I think you guys might just need some space...as has already been said on here, "if you love someone, let them go...". I hope you're feeling alright...just try and stay positive - you never know what the future may hold! [jessicah] 7/10/2005 7:30:13 AM

we dunt think Luke is a bad person...on the contrary you have made him sound so good that its sad to hear these things and that its ending. ^^' Mbbe for the best? [Interpreter of Life] 7/10/2005 9:02:17 AM

aww hunny im so sorry. at least ur handling it well, unlike me who went completely stark ravin mad when Taz finished me....meh.

xox [Indigo Sky] 7/10/2005 2:06:24 PM

Wow, you're handling this so well. Of course, you could have completely broken into peices by the time I read this next entry.... But, at this point, you're holding together. I'm proud of ya! Although I am shocked at how quickly that all ended.... --Matt [Matteo Al Monty] 7/10/2005 10:10:14 PM

Matt, I am so sorry. I think he will probably come back soon, begging for your to forgive him. Maybe he is worthy of that, I don't know. I am thinking of you though. Go well, knew friend.

[pizzaguy184] 7/11/2005 3:49:53 AM

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Last updated May 11, 2014