Tear-filled blue eyes in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

tear-filled blue eyes - 7/14/2005

Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light, and it didn't work. After replacing the bulb, still no light. When John, her husband, came home, she said "Honey, the light switch is broken. Could you fix it for me please? To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his T-Shirt, "Do you see 'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?" Jane said nothing.

Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off today. Could you put it back on for me please?" To which John, of course, replied, "Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink is leaking. Could you fix it for me please?" Right! John replied, "Do you see 'plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see you found some good repairmen". To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next door." John asked, "Oh really? And how much did he charge?"

Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything. He said I could just bake him some "goodies" or we could trade it out in sex." To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of "goodies" did you bake for him?"

And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt, "Honey,do you see Betty Crocker written on here anywhere?"

Some regular readers of this diary might have noticed I haven't written in a few days.  There's an obvious reason for this.  And maybe I didn't make it clear enough in my last entry, probably cos I wasn't with it, but Luke and I aren't boyfriend's anymore.  Don't let the title fool you, I'm actually content right now, I just couldn't come up with a title.

The last few days, (well every day since Saturday night), I have been eating nothing but comfort food, watching tv, going on the net occasionally, working, and hanging out with friends who have been there for me.  It's seriously such a depressing feeling.  It's like I feel I've been rejected almost, but I know that words is too harsh a word for what I'm trying to describe here.

Everyone I've mentioned to that Luke and I have broken up, can't believe it.  I nearly made my ex have a heart attack when he found out, and my manager at work has been really supportive, and I told him I'm sorry if my work wasn't up to standard.  A manager you would expect to say something horribly business-like related, like 'oh get over it, don't slack off or else," but my manager was like 'yeay sure, you make sure you take it easy."  He was the first person I told when I walked into work yesterday.  He asked how my weekend was, and I replied 'shit', starring at the floor.  He asked why and I replied, trying to hold back tears, "I got dumped."  His reply in his eyes was pure sympathy for me.  He knew how much I loved Luke.  I remember I was filling shelves yesterday and my eyes were tearing right up - I told myself to get-a-grip, cos I had to face customers, and I didn't want them to see my watery eyes.

As soon as I told the lesbian I work with what happened, she went right off.  She's a great friend, but constantly tells me her view of what she would do, which is completely the opposite of what I do.  She said she woulda tossed him out the door and told him to fuck off.  I explained to her today that, no, I am not going to do that, because I have no reason to.  I still care for Luke heaps, but if I ever found out he cheated on me, then that would be the only reason I'd prob never want to see him again.  If he cheated on me, that would be it, he'd lose everything I ever gave or had for him.  But the more I explained my story, the more convinved she was that he had done exactly that.  sigh

Sometimes I'm so nice.  Too nice.  And it pisses me off sometimes.  I hate hurting people and I have difficulty doing it, especially if it's someone I care about, so me taking away benefits Luke and I previously had in the relationship made me feel really bad.  The only changes I've made is that I've created him his own account on my computer and changed the password to mine.  I even copied all the music and files over to his account so he could still use them.  I even did his washing on Monday when he asked me to, when being in the state I am, and 'normal' person would've told him to 'fucking do it yourself' lol.

I dunno what's wrong with me.  I'm nice but I can be an asshole.  I think the asshole side has only come out recently cos I'm sick of taking crap in life, so sometimes I just snap.  Some of my thoughts are sometimes purely evil - (gosh i sounded almost satanish then didn't i?) but I could never actually do them.  Then a lot are extremely overly nice and people can't believe I do do them.  I never know how to play them out though, if that makes any sense.

Last night I stayed at a friend's place.  He is a friend on the net whom I'd never met in person previously, so I was brave going over there, but I trusted him from msn conversations.  Turns out he is the nicest guy I have ever met I swear.  He's one of those guys that's always there for every single one of his friends and always has the time to do everything for them, and yet live a busy lifestyle.  I SO wish I could be like that.  He listened to my story and I heard a fair bit of his life story, which seems really interesting, but I know there's a lot more to be heard.   I hope to see him again soon.  So I stayed there last night, on a mattress on the floor in his loungeroom.  He even offered me his bed, and made sure I was totally comfortable.  Didn't try anything, and I think we established a sort of bondship between us, well as much as you can with a first impression.  He's just so nice, I still can't get over it.

So Luke and I are getting along fine now.  I made him talk tonight though.  I made him tell me the real reason he wanted to break up with me, and he refused to tell me a few times, but it was exactly how he had said it in the letter.  Maybe I'll put the letter up here one day, maybe I won't.  I just don't think it's that important.  You know, I'm just putting it aside and trying to move on.  I cleaned out the spare room on Monday, and today when I arrived home, Luke had nearly moved all his stuff in there.  It's depressing that the guy I really care for is now in the room next door, but this is probably  good thing.  He came and gave me a hug just before and apologised, saying he will talk about our break-up when he gets some more sleep.  He hasn't really slept since it happened.  And here I was thinking of the possibility he may have cheated on me.  I mean, all the signs were there!  But I believe he hasn't, and also told me to my face he hadn't.  That's what the aim of tonight was - I wanted to hear it, not read it.  He proved it, so I'm okay.  He's moved into the spare room, and I have the original room.  I feel bad because that room is so small, and he's claustrophobic somewhat.  He said he put the mirror in there to make it look like the room was bigger.  That's a good idea.  He reckons it was like the walls were caving in.  I'm sure he'll be okay, but if he's not, I guess me being me, I'll probably swap or something.  Turns out he spend last night at a friend's house too, so we wouldn't have to sleep in the same bed again.  We had the same idea.  Kind of laughed at that.

So yes, I guess this is a new chapter of life.  Jay will be happy when he finds out no doubt, as will Luke's mum.  Some of my close friends are yet to even hear what's happened.  That's how crazy this last week has been.

I just want to thank everyone here for their support throughout this whole ordeal.  It's like I told tash at work today, the only way to describe it is "It's awkward that it's not as awkward as it should be."  You guys have been so great to me, and thank-you to those who know me in person who have given me hope through the rough times.  I'm handlig this so well, but even though I say that, and Luke and I will be moving on, Luke will always be a part of my heart and the best boyfriend I've ever had.  I doubt anyone will top him.  (waits to see if anyone caught the gay-joke in there lol)

okay okay i'm going!  Take care guys, you're seriously my rays of light in this darkness.

-Matt

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

Funny joke, Matt.

I'm here for ya buddy.

-James

[Beez] [p] 7/13/2005 1:08:49 PM

hugs I don't really know what to say, sweetie. I'm glad to hear that he moved into the spare bedroom, though. That's a start at least.

Take your time and don't rush your emotions. [Orange Blossom] 7/13/2005 1:13:21 PM

i cant believe how strong ur being through all of this, u really are something to admire matt. u know all of us are always here to listen to u, if u ever need a friend :o)

rach [rachface] 7/13/2005 1:13:23 PM

ur so precious and i hate that you got hurt boo. uhhh...boys.... but i'm glad you have fabulous friends to be there for you! thats always comforting.

and yes, I got ur gay joke! very funny! [KatieKatherine411] 7/13/2005 1:36:43 PM

Matt I wish to God I could find the words to tell you how bad I feel for you. You live many, many miles from me but my heart and sould stretches across those miles with nothing but love and respect for you. You are not the loser in this. Luke is! Stay strong and everything will work out for the best. Maybe thats hard to believe right now but it will. Love ya buddy!

Ben [Taste The Rain Bow] 7/13/2005 1:42:42 PM

ohhhhh. shit. i'm sososososossososososososososo sorry. :'-( [Prince Zidane] 7/13/2005 2:00:36 PM

I just now got to read your past couple of entries and I am so sorry about you and Luke. It'll get better, I promise. [h*danielle] 7/13/2005 2:24:17 PM

Matt. If you are online now IM Me on RavenKalz [Xi'a] 7/13/2005 3:35:14 PM

i'm glad youre holding it all together babe... you're so strong. i know i'd be one of those people that would lose it and just be all like "get the fuck out!" haha. what's going to happen if you do find someone who wink tops luke? i mean.. you can't really have sleepovers with your ex in the next room right? ..or maybe you can? haha. xox [[disco-lemonade]] 7/13/2005 3:44:00 PM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------hi Im really glad to hear that you are doing ok. I know its hard...Im sorry. Goodluck Matt!! Your in my thoughts. :)

-JJ [shrektrek] 7/13/2005 3:54:26 PM

Even before I read the comment the thought came to my mind, about no one ever topping him. :P great minds think alike, mm?

I'm sorry about all of this..and you're strong for being able to handle it all so well. I want to say I'm proud of you, but that sounds very father-ish and i'm years younger then you. But still. Now my suggestion is go out clubbing and find the cutest gay boy down under.. [dunoamb] 7/13/2005 4:08:14 PM

(the second cutest, right behind you, of course :) and find who you're looking for. I still feel Luke took advantage of you, and still is..tell him to do his own fucking laundry! ..Or not, it's up to you. You sound like the niceisist person ever, don't lose that.

[dunoamb] 7/13/2005 4:10:10 PM

That struck me as odd, but you did find the perfect words for it in the awkward-not-being-awkward bit. But I know what you mean. once again, kudos to you for being so strong and holding up so well! --Matt [Matteo Al Monty] 7/13/2005 4:16:05 PM

I am so sorry sweetie. Hopefully he did not cheat on you. Hopefully you can work things out. If you need someone I am here for you. Luvs ya! Take care sweetie! Everything will be okay! ~ Rachel~ [tankerbrat8386] [p] 7/13/2005 4:22:13 PM

aww I'm sorry to hear that hun, I'm sure everything will work out [.Konstantine.] 7/13/2005 6:09:31 PM

Matt, I just wanted to tell you that I thought about you today.

Hugs,

Ben [Taste The Rain Bow] 7/13/2005 8:27:12 PM

now you should date me.

i'm not a lesbian, and i think you made a good decision.

:hugs: [HotGayBoy80] 7/13/2005 10:00:20 PM

Hi Matt it's me Jeffy! No one will top Luke? I thought LUKE was always on top? runs and hides See, I knew he would be the one to want to move into the bird room. But yeah, what happens when you find a new loveman and bring him home? That'll be weird. 105 degrees hot today! Off to Lake Tahoe tomorrow. I'll get you a shirt or something. Call it comfort food California style.

Love and hugs, Jeffy [mobyduck] 7/13/2005 10:09:15 PM

Wow Matt, First off there's nothing wrong with you, it's called your still in love with Luke and it's not just going away over night. Sec I think it could be good still being friends and all. I am really great friends with Michael still to this day. We were better off friends then lovers and maybe its the same here? I don't think it's wrong to be nice and try to keep a friendship. Maybe Luke [Mermy] 7/14/2005 1:45:51 AM

having this time will tell him if he really loves you,which I think he still does. He maybe so in ove he's putting away b/c it's scaring him deep down. That happend and still happens to me with Chris. I try to give him a free way out once a week and he won't go. Being roommates and friends may bring you two back together again. Hang in there and know there are tons of poeple who love you..Mermz [Mermy] 7/14/2005 1:48:35 AM

Change that ove he's putting away to love he's pulling Huggs Mermz

[Mermy] 7/14/2005 1:50:46 AM

wow i admire you. i am such a wreck during break ups even if i break up with the person! you are such a strong person and i wish i couldn be like you good luck with everything

much love [miss_barbie] 7/14/2005 1:50:52 AM

So proud of how you are handling yourself, sweetheart. Your new friends sounds worthy of your trust. I am glad he was honorable toward you and treated you with kindness and respect. We love, we lose. Then we do it all over again, such is life! [pizzaguy184] 7/14/2005 2:52:31 AM

hey...i'm sorry:(. Kinda guessed something had happened but didnt want to say anything, just in case I was wrong. I'm so glad you're taking this okay though, and that you have so many supportive people in your life to help you through it all, as you need it. Feel free to note me if you ever need to talk bout anything k? Take care!

hugs [dysfunctional_faerie] [p] 7/14/2005 6:09:33 AM

You seem to be handling this so well! You're a very strong person! I'm glad things are starting to move on - you two talking about it, and separating bedrooms (as hard as it may have been!). You do sound like such a nice guy! I must say i would have told him to f* off if he asked me to do his laundry! You're very sweet. Sounds like you have a great support base around you! Very lucky! :) [jessicah] 7/14/2005 8:34:54 AM

I am in shock...I can't even begin to tell you how I started to cry when I read this entry. I really really don't even know how to react. And I'm not even in your shoes. I wish you lived in the stated, that way I could just drive down to you and just hold you. I am so sorry for what happened. You just have to be strong...Just know that I love you and care about you. You need to take care of... [SeNtInAlLoVe] 7/14/2005 11:13:17 AM

yourself. If I were you I would get rid of him. At least just for a lil while. get away from the pain and just breathe... [SeNtInAlLoVe] 7/14/2005 11:23:18 AM

Matt love.... I need you for something are you on? Love ya. Brandy [Xi'a] 7/14/2005 10:01:21 PM

ryn: HAHA...definitely not for that reason...its like the size of my finger...i have small hands....

its a joke. he got made cause i had him in my phone as mr. crayola so i changed it to cucumber! haha....boy was i disappointed when i saw it was def not like a cucumber [KatieKatherine411] 7/15/2005 10:16:01 AM

Don't tease me on a) trying to hold you. You have no idea how much I wish I could. I haven't met you and yet I know that your sadness would be wiped away with just one kiss or hug from me. B) Don't tease me with money. You don't even live in the states, how am i going to get the money? lol [SeNtInAlLoVe] 7/15/2005 10:35:56 AM

I am on Matt - RavenKalz AIM [Xi'a] 7/15/2005 10:40:19 AM

Matt Matt Matt.... Are you here? [Xi'a] 7/15/2005 10:42:55 AM

matt.

Leave ne your contact stats. I'll put you on my bl. Take care. :( [Xi'a] [p] 7/15/2005 10:49:03 AM

hugs [~Tiffany~] 7/16/2005 2:02:46 AM

RYN: Sometimes I wanna slap my doctor but he is so funny lol And oh my dad knows the gays, we watch Will & Grace reruns everyday! HAHA! He even has a gay friend! He is just in PURE denial LOL You TOTALLY should get a vibrator! Believe me, there is hope and it comes with batteries! ;-) [Duke Hilton] 7/17/2005 1:59:26 AM

Aw I'm really sorry you're having a bad break up! I would say more but the angry lesbian @ work prolly said everything I would ;-) Stay fabulous! :-* And yes, I caught the gay joke LOL! [Duke Hilton] 7/17/2005 2:04:29 AM

Aww sweetie things will look up in time. look at me, been broken up with my ex 4 months an still cry myself to sleep some nights wanting him back. break ups are hard, just know im here for you. [SinderellaX] 7/17/2005 3:24:27 AM

You seem like a really nice guy. I got the gay joke! :) I'm horny.

~Andy [AndyPandy] 7/18/2005 1:49:29 AM

Hey Thanks I added u to my favs since I came across ur diary. I'm like you I'm too nice but when you reach a limit of intolerance you go off. I'm sorry about you and Luke if it is meant to be it will all work out. I wish u nothing but good luck in your life as u figure out what's next.

take care!! [VIRGIN GIRL] 7/18/2005 4:21:52 AM

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Last updated May 11, 2014