Escape in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

Escape - 7/5/2005

         Escape - Enrique Iglesias

(you can run, you can hide But you can't escape my love)

        Here's how it goes, you and me, up and down at this time
        We'll get right, where to fight
        Cause love is something you can't shake
        When it breaks
        All it takes is some trying

        If you feel like leaving
        I'm not gonna make you stay
        Soon you'll be finding
        You can run, you can hide
        But you can't escape my love
        You can run, you can hide
        But you can't escape my love

        So if you go
        You should know
        It's hard to just forget the past so fast
        It was good, it was bad but it was real
        And that's all you get in the end of the matter

        Here's how it goes
        All it takes is some trying
        You can run, you can hide
        But you can't escape my love

I don't know what to write.  I feel really bad even writing a diary entry.  But I want to.  Basically Luke's been reading my diary.  I'm not sure from what entry or how many.  It brought up a trust issue within me.  I want to explain it all but I don't want to get screamed at by him again.  Basically I have to respect his wishes and not write about him in this diary.  He's too scared about someone finding out his identity.  I guess me, I don't care.  I'd prefer people to know the real me.  I'd prefer it if I could talk about him but he doesn't want that, so from now on I'm only going to make references to him.  Last night we finally sorted out our problems and stopped fighting.  He actually said to me, 'Not bad - over 6 months and we've only had one fight." - and I have this site to thank for it!

But what am I suppose to do?  I figure he can't read fav' only entries, that's why a lot lately have been made that, and also cos they contain info about him he doesn't want the world to see.  But it doesn't make sense does it.  He can have a gaydar profile that the world can access, why is this any different?  If anything this is less harmful.  Gee it's not like this diary is ABOUT him.  It's me!  Either way I'm annoyed that I can't write about him now without the fear of him keeping tracks on me again and finding out.  I was only ever proud of him. 

The big question came up last night.  Should we stay together.  He said the ball was in my caught cos he's easy and he'd been through that much shit in his life that nothing would affect him.  I'd like to say the same but I don't have a fucked up ex like he does.  Whoops there I go again - see this isn't gunna be easy.  He went to make a cup of tea while I thought about my answer.  I said to him I already knew.  I want to keep a relationship with him and try to make it work long-distance.  He said 'that's the answer i wanted to hear'.  I mentioned the pro's and con's list, but that didn't go down too well.  I said I'd come and see him on every day off I had, but was afraid of annoying him with his exams and stuff, but then I said I didn't care.  I'd just watch tv or something when he was studying.  I mean, I may not be a uni student and may not ever be, but I know the importance of passing.  There's a huge cost involved. 

So what do I do? Do I not talk about the guy I love?  Do I not express myself in words?  Do I and just make them favourites only?  I mean, at least then, it's not public.  I am not going to the trouble of two separate diaries lol fuck that.  I guess in a way it shouldn't be that hard to talk about other things other than my boyfriend, but I just wouldn't find myself as interesting I guess.  I do pretty much everything with him.  Oh well guys, here comes a boring diary from now on.  I just know I'm going to talk about him sometimes :( Sorry guys.  I guess I should be happy that we've sorted stuff out.  Guess I don't wanna be boring.

On other news, I went back to work today!  Damien said it seemed like a very long time.  Well it was 4 weeks.  It almost felt as if it was my first day again today haha.  I was worried thing's might have changed, but no, things are pretty much the same.  Everything except that the wages have been cut right back and all the casuals have been made part-time and aren't getting any hours, so therefore aren't happy.  Oh and they are building a petrol station across the car park.  That's kinda exciting.  It's about time they did something with that building anyway.  Dan wasn't there, as he was at training, but I guess I'll see him tomorrow.  A lot of people were surprised to see me back at work after so long, cos I hardly told anyone I was going haha.  Con got a surprise, and when I went in the lunchroom to sign on I waved to Tammy and talked to Jayne about my holidays and Melbourne for a bit.  Nothing much has changed.  I served Ian on the checkouts but he didn't say much to me, so that's good.  Haha speaking of checkouts, I must'nt have been at work for more than 10 minutes when I heard, 'Matt! service 20 matt!' - grrr! hahaha.  I see they missed me.  Damien even said to me that apparently they were calling me when I was on holidays.  What idiots.  You can see they really just expect me to be there - didn't even notice I was gone until Damien told them.  Hope they got slammed lol.  Today went fast, as it was a half-day.  The rest of the week will be the hard days! :) Take care guys!

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey. why dont you just change your diary to open diary members only. thats what i have done so no one readys my diary but people on here. Glad you sorted things out

much love [miss_barbie] 7/5/2005 6:20:41 AM

Sorry he is having such issues with your diary. I know I cant imagine not being able to be open and honest in mine. Its my therapy. I feel like you guys are my therapist. I hate work also, speaking of which Im late, I gotta run! :)

-JJ [shrektrek] 7/5/2005 6:32:45 AM

Matt even if you didn't talk about Luke I'd never find your diary boring. I hope you never stop writing on OD. Like I said I think you're a pretty awesome guy. Hope your week goes really good. Catch ya later my friend.

Much love,

Ben [Taste The Rain Bow] 7/5/2005 6:55:26 AM

Hey, sorry to hear that he's uncomfortable with your diary. I need my diary - it's my form of stress relief, sort of like therapy, lol. You have such an awesome diary - the honesty makes it so comforting to read! If you make it favourites only then others wont be able to discover how awesome this diary is!

I'm glad you guys came to some form of a conclusion about Toowoomba. Bugger about work! [jessicah] 7/5/2005 7:03:58 AM

Hopefully everything will get better for you sweetie. Talk to u later. ~Rachel~ [tankerbrat8386] 7/5/2005 8:35:42 AM

this diary is about your life, and he is part of your life, just like work and other things. Favs only seems fine to me, but really its your judgement that counts. [Interpreter of Life] 7/5/2005 8:53:03 AM

Im glad everything went well, and yeah maybe luke might not want his life out there for all of us to read, which is understandable but anyways im happy for ya and i will ttyl [MplsGayboy1985] 7/5/2005 8:54:04 AM

lol looks like we are both having issues...luke's having issues with others knowing about him and i'm having issues with others knowing steven...read my entry you'll get the whole story...but i'm glad you two worked things out and everything will be fine! ttyl! [mymindslife] [p] 7/5/2005 11:14:42 AM

I still don't understand why you won't be able to write about him in your diary, espeically if you use mark it as a Favorites Only entry. Normally, what I do, is write a short entry to appease my friends (in your case, Luke) and then I just let everything out for my Favorites Only folks. That seems to work out just fine, because my friends think of it as a Private Entrym

Do what you feels best. [Beez] 7/5/2005 11:16:18 AM

hmmm, i'd hate having to like edit my diary..but i guess you have to respect his wishes eh? maybe going faves only will help? ahhh...i dunno. anyways, glad you guys are all better now :) xox

[[disco-lemonade]] 7/5/2005 11:31:45 AM

I'm sorry, that's bullshit. He's being a pansy ass and making you make the "life" decisions. Tell him to grow some balls and be man and make this a joint decision between the two of you regarding your relationship. Last time I checked, a relationship involved two people.

As for the diary thing, make it favorite's only or OD members only. [Orange Blossom] 7/5/2005 12:07:51 PM

RYN: Moving sucks. I don't recommend it. ;) [Sex Hound] 7/5/2005 12:08:33 PM

Matt,

To me, it seems like Luke is a control freak? That might mean you both have something to work on. Ask him what exacally makes him mad about you writing the entries? It could be that he doesn't like expressing his problems to strangers and feels you and him should work them out alone. Remember there is no ME in relationship. It takes two.

Live YOUR life,

Brett Hartel [Archer_Mage] 7/5/2005 12:48:13 PM

Even if you don't talk about Luke, we'll still read your entries and you'll still be interesting, no doubt in that. --Matt [Matteo Al Monty] 7/5/2005 12:52:25 PM

Sweetie, you are in a tough jam. I don't understand what problem Luke has with your writing about him, but then again, it's not my place to understand. Perhaps you should write favorites only. It's your diary, and you have the right to write anything you choose. You give a good impression of Luke, so I don't see a problem with writing about the love of your life!!!!

Hugz,

Jack

[mikeysjack] 7/5/2005 2:00:38 PM

awww Chris said if he really loves you he would not care what others think.. I love hearing about your love for him.. So if you need to I say do it on Favs only so he does not know and that way you can get your fellings out which is why you have this Diary in the first place. I am losing alot of so called friends b/c all I do is talk about Chris and how I don't just love him but I am in love with [Mermy] 7/5/2005 2:23:34 PM

him and I could care less what they think b/c its my happiens... So be happy Matt and love Luke with every breath you take.. Huggs and Loves Mermz

[Mermy] 7/5/2005 2:25:13 PM

Hey Matt Buddy.

Hugs. You could go favorites only. I am about to do that for almost the same reason. Only write when he's not home.

Take care

-Brandy [Xi'a] [p] 7/5/2005 3:04:52 PM

your entries are long!!!! i never let my lovers read my diary.

[Prince Zidane] [p] 7/5/2005 4:17:24 PM

Your diary will still be worth reading if you dont talk about him... :) I like reading ur enteries... Hope things are going well.. hugs

[Drewbeous fagrid] 7/5/2005 4:18:39 PM

you could just make your diary favourites only...and then he cant read it anyway. like i said the other day, he is part of you life and you write about your life in your diary so of corse you're going to write about him. I know what its like for u tho, when u find out he's been readin it and stuff. My ex did that to me. Hacked into my diary and read all my private entries. Nice.

xox [Indigo Sky] 7/5/2005 6:09:32 PM

♥ [~Tiffany~] 7/5/2005 7:28:33 PM

Okay... I blew a fuse and now I can't connect to MSN messenger... Which totally sucks because I still want to talk to you!!! hits computer

Anyways, RYN: He says he likes Colleen, even though he's done things to convince the majority of the group that he's gay. But I don't think that he can come to terms with it. I mean, I want him to, because he said if he ever "turned" gay, I would be (c) [Beez] [p] 7/5/2005 8:15:54 PM

(c) which is kinda what I want, which may result in some behavior that I'll regret, espeically if he's with Colleen. My friends and I have had missions to pull him out of the closet, which is probably the meanest thing that I have ever done, but hey.. I'm not complaining since he willingly pinned me, tickled me, and then hugged me randomly. Did I mention he grinds into me when we dance when (c) [Beez] [p] 7/5/2005 8:19:04 PM

(c) there are other people around, espeically his g/f? Ehh, I'm skeptical... lol But whatever. I have Brett to attain.. if possible. Heh. sigh

-James [Beez] [p] 7/5/2005 8:24:41 PM

favs only is probably a good idea that way u decide who is reading ur diary. : ) [butterflybabe13] 7/5/2005 10:32:09 PM

RYN: Sorry I left on MSN!!! It cut out! I probably already said this, but anyways... Um, I say, "For Now" because once I tell Brendan what I really think of him (how much I like him), I know that our friendship is going to end... Feelings just get in the way of things when you're in my situation, ya know?

-James [Beez] [p] 7/6/2005 1:39:22 AM

You could always refer to him just as "him" and not use his name, keep him kind of generic. ryn: Thanks for the note and the song is still in my head! [pizzaguy184] 7/6/2005 2:19:52 AM

ok i dont get it? hes allowed a diary but ur not? i confused. if u dont mind can i see his?

much love [miss_barbie] 7/6/2005 2:41:36 AM

my ex used to get heaps offended by my diary as well, but i like expressing how im feeling and my life to strangers and gettin opinions from people who arent always around. it sucks that everything u have to say people seem to flip reverse and use againts you. so much for being am individual. [x2c] 7/6/2005 5:13:20 AM

heehee you're not sad at all...he actually is hot enough to go and watch the crap film just for him. lol

xox [Indigo Sky] 7/6/2005 8:40:14 AM

RYN: I don't think firemen ever enjoy responding to idiot tasks... :) [Sex Hound] 7/6/2005 9:16:05 AM

i don't understand people who have a million diaries. i'm totally with you on that!

btw, was my note to apartment boy (latest entry) totally lame? [HotGayBoy80] 7/6/2005 5:40:11 PM

Hm. Like he said^, he being someone I have no clue, he's part of your life, and this is your diary, about your life. So, I don't think it's fair for him to say you can't express what you feel to a bunch of completely random strangers. :)

Go faves only. -so long as I'm on faves, that is. :D [dunoamb] 7/6/2005 5:52:53 PM

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Last updated May 11, 2014