Brisbane Pride 2005 in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

Brisbane Pride 2005! - 6/25/2005

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.

On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. He says, "Hi, I'm Ses."

Today I woke up to Luke's phone ringing - it was someone from his work so he must've slept in.  I can't blame him really.  He was really sweet to me.  It was my fault it happened.  Last night I had a minor-breakdown (I only saw 'minor' cos I know how bad the major ones can get, even if rarely), and I was crying.  Everything was just getting to me.  How I'm 21, work full-time for woolies and then that lead on from there in me wondering what the hell Luke even sees in a guy like me.  Depression is like domino's - one bad thought makes you think of more, and you find yourself getting down at the (in reality) lamest things.  I don't suffer with depression and it doesn't happen that often with me, but when it does I hate it hey.  I don't know how those diagnosed with it handle everything.  Anyway I was crying, but because where we live is so small, Luke heard me, and eventually came into the room, and stood there on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands, for ages.  I was thinking like, 'oook then, I thought i was the one upset here?' and i asked him what was wrong, and eventually he started, 'I know I've been a bit stand-offish lately...' and it's true, he has, but I've gotta respect the fact that Luke needs his space and alone time away from me every so often, and he thought that was the reason why I was upset.  It wasn't exactly that, he'd done nothing wrong.  I was upset at myself and degrading myself cos I felt I haven't achieved what I could've achieved if I had the fucking confidence to.  Confidence, how I would love to have so much more of that.  Not this shy guy with bursts of confidence here and there.  Not this guy who is nervous to meet up with anyone new, and therefore cos of that has trouble making new friends.  But then that leads on, even if I had the confidence, what would that achieve?  I guess it might make me get out there and try to find out what interests me in this world.  I don't wanna stay with woolies my whole life, although I know a lot of people do.  It's a pretty fun job but not what I desire to be doing you know.  I'd love to go to uni and do a course in something.  I explained all this to Luke.  he went and finished up all his conversations with people on msn, and turned out all the lights and joined me in bed.  He spent probably about 10 minutes just hugging me, neither of us saying a thing.  I didn't know how to explain it.  I have real trouble expressing my true emotions, no matter who it is - the only person I feel I express my true emotions to is God and most of the time that consists of a cry of 'what the hell is going on!? help me!' lol.  I'm a confusing one.  I told Luke the best I could.  How I was upset about myself, and how being on holidays not having work to distract me, made me think about where I really am in life.  I felt like Luke was the only good thing I had going for me.  And even that's iffy sometimes with the whole religious thing and him moving to Toowoomba at the end of the year.  I guess all I can do there is wait and see what happens.  He listened to me carefully though and then stated what he thought, how I should go to a uni and see what courses they have to offer and maybe talk to guidence councilors or career advisors and see what they think.  Yeh, I had guidence councellors, the one I had in high school was a complete fucktwit, excuse the french.  I'm thnakful for his advice though.  He told me there's no point in going 'woe is me woe is me' and I knew Luke would say that to me cos I know it pisses him off people who do that, and there was me, doing exactly that lol.  It just all built up I guess.  It's not like I do that every day or anything.  God I'd drive myself nuts lol.  We made love and he just made me feel so much better.  Once again Luke, thanks for being there.

Onto happier news, I went to Pride today! lol!  I still can't believe I did it.  I caught the train at 9:35am and it started at 10am in the city, and I was so thinking I wouldn't make it on time.  But there were about 3 other gays in the same carriage as me and I overheard one talking about it so I assumed if i was late then they would be too.  I walked to King George Square and it was so cool!  There were colourful balloons and streamers and rainbow flags everywhere, not to mention motorcycles (dykes on bikes i presumed lol).  I walked to the city first, as I felt a bit awkward being there, but then walked back when I heard someone talking on stage about how proud they were to be gay.  Wow, these young guys were just getting up there, not caring what anyone thought, proclaiming their proudness of their attraction to other guys.  I could probably do it if I had the encouragment! lol.  Anyway a few more guys and girls talked, and I noticed I had missed calls on my phone from Scott.  So I rang him back, presuming he'd seen me.  he reckons I walked right past him lol!  Well he is an ex-friend of mine j/k - nah I completely didn't see him.  It was good to see him again, although neither of us knows where we stand with each other, so we're more 'acquaintences' lol.  Anyway I found him and he talked to me for pretty much the whole time I was there.  I had so much fun marching in the parade!  GOD there were SO many people!  They had to stop traffic while the parade went through the main streets of Brisbane lol.  The drummers at the front, a huge rainbow flag, a few hundred people, then me and scott and a drag queen and a lesbian (who were hilarious!), then behind us I swear were like another two thousand people or so lol.  I was so happy to be there, being my first pride.  i was waving my rainbow flag heaps and smiling away.  I only hope I got my face on the news so my parents could see me haha!  That'd be classic.  Well I haven't got the phone call disowning me as their child yet, so I'm presuming they didn't.  Scott even said to me, 'You're really enjoying this, arent you?' and I laughed at him.  It was true.  I was amongst about a thousand other gays, and it was like a thrill.  Every time the parade passed construction workers we would cheer.  haha.  The lesbian walking with us most of the way kept screaming, "We're all gay!!! We're ALL gay!!!" to the sidewalk watchers.  The drag queen even layed flat on the hood of some guy's car - gosh she was  funny - had her little umbrella and everything.  I told Scott next year I'm turning up in drag.  I got probably my first compliment ever from him when I said that.  He goes, "You would to wouldn't ya!? Cos you've got the balls to do it." - the comment near stunned me, but I kept walking along happily waving my flag.  Later on I got one of those flowery things to put around my neck.  i so felt the part.  I was just dressed normally - I wasn't dressed all flash-up or queeny or in hot-pants (like a few guys there were lol!), I was just comfortable.  Especially heading in by myself.  No way I'm leaving myself to the hands of some homophobe by strolling down Adelaide Street wearing gay clothes.  Haha and hear I am saying I'll do drag next year.  I'll be right as long as there's people to protect me hehe.  I probably won't do it, but who knows.  I'm tall enough for it, I think I've got the face for it, plus no-one will recognise me, which I think is the part I like best.  Anyway I had fun.  Was a little crazy.  Luke rang me asking where I was when we were at Musgrave Park in Southbank (where the prade ended and the festival began), and I was surprised he was home.  He said he was home for some reason but I really couldn't hear much where I was.  I did hear him say, 'oh you're at that festival thing arent you?'.  Well I'm home now and he's not so he's obviously gone out somewhere.  Maybe he's back at work, I dunno.  He wanted me to come home and play tennis with him, and I was so about to get on the train cos I couldn't find Michael-Anthony (my gay friend who works in the city), when MA messaged me, so I went back, and then had to wait for him to finish work, and then it was dark.  So I feel I let Luke down, but he did tell me to stay at Pride and have fun.  The tennis racquet is on the chair here, so he must've gone and practiced his serving by himself.  I guess it was good to see Scott after so long.  I mean I knew he'd be there cos he was there last year, I just didn't expect to walk right past him.  At least I had someone to hang out with all day too.  I told him I had to leave cos I wanted to go play tennis with Luke, and he was whinging that he didn't want me to go cos he'd be by himself.  Gee I was gunna be anyway!  I fianlly got away from him at like 2ish with that intention of going home and playing tennis.  But as per usual, with my life, something intervene's whatever I have planned.  lol.  Anyway I'm sick of typing.  I was amazed at the turn-out.  Got free condoms from the AIDS council so that's always handy lol. 

love ya guys!

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

HEHE.. when you break down, at least you know you have someone there! Sounds like you had fun, it's always good to get free stuff! anyway, i will talk to ya later!

Mikey [nr_guitarist] 6/25/2005 6:14:13 AM

You can never have enough condom lol Like I told ya in another note Luke is lucky to have a guy like you. You're a real sweetie.

Much love,

Ben [Taste The Rain Bow] 6/25/2005 6:50:28 AM

[dysfunctional_faerie] 6/25/2005 8:57:21 AM

Hey Matt. It's James, the xnotolerance4U kid, i just happened to change my diary name, just because it was getting harder and harder to type :P

Anyways, glad to see that you had a great time marching in the parade. If there was around here, which probably won't happen for another decade or so, I'd march in it as well.

Well, I better be of. I'll talk to you later.

Lots of love,

-James [Beez] [p] 6/25/2005 10:53:18 AM

I'm the same way. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to self-confidence and loving myself. I ask Andrew almost once a day if he's sure he wants to marry me. And I wonder constantly why he chose to be with me. sigh Answers I'll never know or understand, I'm sure.

And I'm proud of you for going to the Pride thing even if it was by yourself! That's showing confidence right there. [Orange Blossom] 6/25/2005 1:36:46 PM

Hope you're feeling better =) [Indigo Sky] 6/25/2005 1:43:36 PM

i know what you mean about haveing more confidence...im sorry that you are feeling bad man. I hope things starting looking better...just keep talking to God he can help with anything you need! anyways I love your diary and i love you dude...i will talk to you later...have a great day!! take care.

James:-) [Txstatebobcat] 6/25/2005 4:50:03 PM

i know how those breakdowns go. i am not online much now since its summer and i am at home, but believe me when i get back to school, i will be online all the time if you ever need anyone to talk to..someone who doesnt know you and will not judge you, i will be there. :)

as for the green eyes, i do wear green contacts, but since i have been home, i have been getting real itchy. i think its 6/26/2005 12:58:14 AM

strange, i was told that i was allergic to cats when i was little, and still apparently am, but it has never really bothered me until i came home from school. its just real wierd.

and i used to have a friend who thought she was a witch, but i dont have any contact w/ her anymore. i just hope that sara doesn't try anything else on John, cause she will most definately have to deal with me. ;) [Steph-ani-nie] 6/26/2005 12:59:52 AM

that breakdown seems all so familiar! [butterflybabe13] 6/26/2005 1:18:50 AM

Heyy Matt; RYN: Thanks for the compliment. Perhaps you can join that site? You are an amazing writer, and I'm sure that you'll fit in fine... But if you choose not to, it's alright. But if you're worried that you might not be all that active, it's all right. I'm an administrator on the site, so you won't have to worry...

Hope to see you there and note be back again... It's fun.

TTYLJames [Beez] [p] 6/26/2005 2:01:38 AM

That story was hilarious! ~ [artiest] 6/26/2005 1:45:18 PM

HUGS [Sabine de Lyon] 6/26/2005 8:18:30 PM

♥ [~Tiffany~] 6/26/2005 8:32:15 PM

LOL that joke is really tack! But I like it... (small things you see).

As for the depression, It's part of being gay and hormonal... [tisk] 6/26/2005 9:55:44 PM

happy pride day. shhhhhh. ;-) [Prince Zidane] [p] 6/27/2005 12:57:47 AM

first pride? that's awesome! [J HENRY] 6/27/2005 9:09:08 AM

Hmmmm...I think I love you. Great entry. [LoneStarLostBoy] 6/27/2005 4:16:04 PM

Sounds like a awesome parade. I Havent been to anything like that yet, but Im sure soon enough I will. Sorry you were feeling down, I sporatically feel like crap about myself, sometimes I feel like a yo yo. I think I feel happy most of the time though. Hope your happy now! :) [shrektrek] 6/27/2005 5:42:05 PM

Hey. Yes I go to moonfest quite regulary and I was at Pride too! [becauseicantnow] 6/27/2005 9:38:55 PM

Wow Matt,Great entry I swear we think alot a like... I have Chris now and there's things I want to do,I never thought I would. My life has kinda always been mapped out for me and now I want a new map to follow and not sure if I can without alot of rubbish to deal with.. Hang in there with Luke and I think the Uni thing maybe great for meeting new peeps. Huggs Mermz

[Mermy] 6/27/2005 11:14:21 PM

Our parade was great fun too.... Oh I just love being gay!! [tobermory] 6/28/2005 2:21:14 PM

I'm glad that you enjoyed your first Pride. Power to ya! Re: the depression thing, therapy really helped me, and anti-depressants were the tools I needed to figure out my own solutions. Take care. [klevor] 9/1/2005 12:18:27 PM

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Last updated May 11, 2014