Am I a flirty drunk? in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

Am I a flirty drunk? - 6/18/2005

It is seriously time for an self-absorbtion.  I need to get some stuff of my mind, and although as I start to write this I have no idea what I wanna talk about, I wanna write anyway.  So bare with me, this might just turn into another one of my infamous ramblings.

I put my Media Player in the order of length, shortest to longest song - it's a different way to mix up all the songs.  Boy have I had a mixture of genres!  At the moment it is "Pretty Boy" by M2M - one of my all-time favourite songs.  I used to go to bed crying to this song!  Oh wow the memories of that song.  It meant so much to me cos the lyrics are what I dreamed of.  Of course so much has changed since then, and though quite a few trial and errors, I've actually found my pretty boy.  I never ever thought it would happen, nothing like this, especially another gay guy who believes in God like I do.

(The song is now "If I told you that" by Whitney Houston.)

I've been reading quite a few diaries lately of other gay guys who have Christians telling them how bad they are for being gay.  It's quite funny cos I so used to believe I was the only one.  It's amazing how you used to think you were the only gay guy on Earth, only to snap into reality and meet people during your life-path, and realise there are millions like me.  I've heard all the stats growing up, whether they are true or not I don't know - for example "1 out of every 10 people are gay."  A few years later that had changed to "2 out of every 10 people are gay" as society becomes more expecting. "5% of the world's population are gay" - gee if that's true that's a fuckload of fags lol.

I felt really bad.  I promised my best friend Aaron I'd go visit him...and I didn't :(  I had intended to, but Luke decided he wanted to come to the city with me, and wanted to play tennis before it got dark, therefore that meant I had to go home.  Not that that's a bad thing, I love playing tennis with Luke, he's just so damn competitive and I take it personally when he starts slamming the racquet around after a few bad shots.  But yeah Aaron.  I signed onto MSN and he sent an IM saying "OI YOU!" - I was like 'oh crap!' and apologised to him saying what had happened.  I'll see him soon, I mean I still have to get him a birthday present since he turned 18!  I know it's strange that most of my friends are younger than me, but I guess that's just what I look for in friends.  I have many friends who are older than me too, but the one's who are younger than me are so interesting cos they are in the stages of deciding where their lives go, and some of them (ie Aaron) are so damn hot lol.  He has a girlfriend though and I am so happy for him because he used to get depressed about not having one.  Damn I missed my chance lol.  He did let me jerk him off once though through his shorts - god i couldn't believe it.  I love him though as a friend, and I'm glad nothing went further because I wouldn't be able to handle losing his friendship - I always feel he's there for me even when he's not.  Friend's like that are hard to come by.  Luke's only 18 also, my boyfriend.  Sometimes I sit there and think how awesome it is cos it usually doesn't even occur to me because he is so intelligent.  I learn SO much from Luke it's unreal - he's like my boyfriend, mentor and best friend all in one.  And the big difference obviously is that I'm in love with him.  Is it weird to feel more close to someone the more you spend with them?  Cos that's how it is.  Sure sometimes I get scared and put off track by some criticising Christian (cos I'm Christian also I listen to what they're saying), but I just keep trying to remind myself that God caters for the individual and he's always there for me despite what others tell me what he thinks of me.  God they seriously should concentrate on their own lives.  Like Lauren, she signed into MSN last night and started a convo with me with a chirpy "Hi!!" - I didn't reply.  What, did she want to tell me I'm going to hell again?  I did block her, but I seriously don't have the heart to keep someone blocked or delete them.  All I want is to be accepted, but I guess life had challenges for a reason.

(The song is now Mein Hertz Brennt by Rammstein)

Turns out I'm going to Toowoomba on Monday!  Yep I was talking to James last night on msn and he goes 'matt i need to go to toowoomba', and i said 'i'm going next week' and he got all excited.  I didn't know when next week so he could decide and he said monday would be best as it's his day off.  So yeah I'm going to pick up Jimmy on Monday morning and we're gunna drive to Toowoomba.  I'll be staying there at a mates so James will be right to drive his sisters car home.  he didn't wanna pay the $21 one way bus ticket.  Can't blame him really.  Gee I had to do that so many times when I didn't have a car (The song is now "Drugs Or Jesus" by Tim McGraw) and it cost me a fortune!  James said he'll make it up to me by giving me head on the way LOL.  I said Luke probably wouldn't appreciate that.  Haha he's so funny.  Gotta love Jimmy, he just cracks me up every time I talk to him.  He's only 17!  So much more mature though.  I feel weird on the phone to him cos he just talks and talks, and I just sit there and listen, laughing every now and then or cracking a joke and calling him a 'slut'.  Of course I'm only joking and he knows that.  So yeah I have to ring John and Mandy today and let them know I'm coming up on Monday and to hopefully get a bed ready for me.  mandy reckons she wants to get me drunk.  I don't believe I've ever been completely drunk, and I guess the best time to try is when I'm on holidays and not in a gay bar.  Luke reckons that I'd be a "Flirty Drunk" - LOL, you know what... he's probably right.  He then went on to say if ever I kissed another guy all my stuff would be out on the footpath, most probably broken.  I'll bet this computer wouldn't be though, cos he uses it lol.  I can control myself when I'm tipsy, so I'm guessing I most probably can when I'm drunk, and I know I would not be stupid enough to kiss another guy when I have the most perfect guy there possibly is.  I used to think you had to be in a relationship where you weren't suppose to 'look' or 'touch', but since realising Luke checks out other guys, it's okay for me too.  i mean, you'd go nuts if you couldn't.  I mean there is such a thing called 'self-control' you know.  it's not like I see a hot guy and go up and pash him.... just fantasise about it LOL. (Song is now "The Day you went away" by Wendy Matthews)

Thanks for your notes guys, it's kinda just like getting email - you know you get excited that someone's taken the time to write to you...usually about getting your penis enlarged... I got a new DVD player.  Our other one blew up or something crazy.  One of my dvd's was still in the player and we couldn't get it out, so I had to unscrew it all and get it out that way.  I couldn't figure out why the lid wouldn't come off, then realised a sticker was covering the final screw.  Haha, ah well I was throwing it out anyway.  So yeh got a new dvd player, except it was crap - I guess you get what you pay for as I only paid $59 or it from Woolies, I took that back saying it was shit and got a refund (they tried to tell me it was my tv not the player, which is bullshit cos my other one worked fine), and went to Big W and got a Panasonic one for $159 - three times the price but hey at least this one's a good one!  At least now it doesn't make a horrible buzzing noise (Song is now "Has anyone ever written anything for you" by Stevie Nicks - haha she sounds like a man, her voice) throughout the Christina Aguilera concert.  She sounded like her microphone was playing up!  "Wanna get... Dirrty *crackle crackle crackle DIrrty!"* Haha I watched a few music dvd's last night.  I watched Christina, then Tina Arena and then Kylie Minogue, which I'm only half way through.  God I love them. Especially Tina Arena's song "Now I can Dance" - that song literally helped shape who I am today with it's encouragement.  Luke absolutely loves it as well, but as she's an Aussie singer a lot of you probably havent heard of her.  (Song is now "Try Again" by Aaliyah).  She's huge in France as well, but I dunno about anywhere else.

Downloaded a song last night by Eran James - I heard about him from reading the aria chartifacts cos he's something like number #70 with a new entry called 'I'm all alone".  He's only 15!  But God his voice sounds like he's one of those amazing soul singers.  They described him as "Think Joss Stone, but as a guy" - I laughed at that, but it's actually pretty right-on!

Luke's got 7:30am-9pm today - God he works long hours.  He was pretty down last night cos the one chick who he goes to to talk at work, left yesterday.  So now he's probably gunna be more depressed.  He was going through the names of people who have quit in the last 2 weeks - he musta rattled off about 15 names seriously.  God it must suck there.  He's so dedicated though.  He got home last night and goes to me, 'Gee I hate being yelled at for nothing".  I literally believe (the song is now "One" by Alanis Morrissette) that he's the best worker they have.  He reckons he's gunna go to uni half-way through next year and will most probably move to Toowoomba to do so.  He said we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  God I get bored after 2 days in Toowoomba, let alone living there lol.  Guess we'll see what happens.  A few of my friends live there though, and we could hopefully hang out at Merv and Dan's house sometimes for some gay company.  I get the feeling Merv kinda (the song is now "My heart will go on" by Celine Dion) doesn't like me, probably because Dan is my ex, from years ago though!  I mean he should get over it, we were more like friends experiementing rather than boyfriends, but I'm probably just being paranoid.  Just a hunch I guess.  Dan seems to open up to me a bit more though when I do actually get to talk to him, probably because we were each other's first gay friend.  But yeh.

Luke and I went into the city on Thursday (yes i know still catching up lol) to meet up with my friend Addam.  They (being Addam and his best friend Sarah) caught the train from Caboolture, and Luke and I caught the train further down the line at Carseldine, so Luke saw Addam waving from a carriage and we caught the train into the city together.  It was fun and we talked a little bit but it was damn awkward too.  Sarah's a pretty girl, but I really don't get along with girls that well if I don't already know them.  Like they kinda scare me! lol!  I know that's dumb but it's true, like I think girls won't like me cos I'm gay and they won't like me cos they think I'm straight (the song is now "Be with you" by Atomic Kitten (coolest name for a band ever!) lol.  So I was pretty quiet, only reason I talked really was cos Luke was there - I never really have gotten along with new girls I guess.  I used to have a girlfriend in grade 10, and I tried to force myself into thinking I loved her.  I guess maybe I've felt guilty ever since?  I dunno, she broke it off with me anyway cos it was long-distance and she'd "changed".  I found that interesting.  "Changed" -what - is she a lesbian or something? lol!  I remember I used to fantanise to guys at school in Millmerran even when I was with her, so it definitely wasn't right lol.  She still doesn't know I'm gay, and this was like near 6 years ago now haha.  She prob wouldn't be surprised.  Either that or she'd slap me in the face.  I figure I can use the excuse 'that's what you get for breaking up with me' lol.  She'll find out one day.  Probably when I introduce her to Luke at church, if I actually go there again. (song is now "2 become 1" by Jewel). I'm seriously being pushed away from it hey, and I don't feel bad, cos I know I can have a relationship with God without having to listen to someone else's interpretation of it.  I feel so much more comfortable that way.  Only reason I would go is for an entertainment factor and for the occasional worship to him through the awesome songs they sing.  Live band and all, it's awesome.  And cos my friends go to it when they come up to Brissy so I of course tag along. (Song is now "I Am/Shades of Life" by Billy Gilman.) Oh it's also great for a perve. lol, can't believe I'm saying that but it is!  Seriously non-christian gay guys, you dunno what you're missin out on! whoa! hubba hubba drools - excuse me, i need a towel.

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

Stevie Nicks is just an amazing singer!! i love her and have wanted to see her in concert for a long time!! And tina arena, is awesome!! I have a friend who does all kind of songs by her in drag lol :)And about Christians going around telling their crap, they should stop and think because they are judging and that is wrong.... [Drewbeous fagrid] 6/17/2005 11:17:46 PM

I cant stand people like that. And I remember going to pride last year and seeing all the gay people and just thought "Holy crap..thats a lot of fags" LOL

HUGSS! [Drewbeous fagrid] 6/17/2005 11:18:24 PM

I hope you didn't feel that way about me when you met me! You hardly knew me but I thought we got along great. Shoot ... I'm a bit paranoid now. Maybe you totally hate me and stuff and you're just pretending because you don't want to hurt my feelings.

I'm a flirty drunk ... and a horny drunk! I remember almost getting kicked out of the strip club for making out too much with Andrew. beams [Orange Blossom] 6/17/2005 11:36:38 PM

Can you believe that it was a year ago that I left for Australia? Was it really that long ago? Or am I just crazy or something?

And you have quite a collection of music. Andrew told me ... or said one night in a really funny voice "Rammstien!" and I can just hear him saying it when I read it. It's really funny. I think the person on the radio said it funny or something and it made him laugh. [Orange Blossom] 6/17/2005 11:38:03 PM

And I adore you. You know that. Enough said. [Orange Blossom] 6/17/2005 11:38:28 PM

i like the name toowoomba... when i ammass my army of pigeons to poop on everyone, i shall take over this city an it shall become my summer palace. iceland has higher priority though, so sorry. [penfifteen] 6/17/2005 11:51:33 PM

i'd guess you are a flirty drunk. from what i've read so far. i read constance's and cried the whole day. i read lisa's and was very sad. i read andrew's and laughed really hard, with some tears. lots of tears in total. :-)

i'll read this later . . . ,<br. [Prince Zidane] [p] 6/18/2005 1:06:17 AM

Hey Matt, RYN: Thanks for the help. I never figured out, or had to patience to figure out how to do that. Thanks for the help.

I do admire you, I really do. Maybe it's because you're openly gay... maybe it's your personality.. you're just so relatable.

I loved your entry. You have an open mind and hopefully you'll be able to hang out with Aaron sometime.

TTYL sometime soon,

-James [xNO:TOLERANCE:4Ux] [p] 6/18/2005 1:29:27 AM

you have awesomely interesting perspectives. Have a great weekend! [shrektrek] 6/18/2005 2:01:01 AM

ryc: bows deeply I'm glad it amused you.

After reading your diary intro as well as a few entries... I decided that I want you to be my President. :)

[OnSecondThought] 6/18/2005 2:12:27 AM

i only read bout half this entry cause im in a rush, but if ur comin to tmba, my email addy is [email protected]. Should try meet up. [x2c] [p] 6/18/2005 3:36:25 AM

sorry i havent been noting much babe, but im an alcoholic and my brain feels FRIED. haha. jk. but yeaaaa... i'll read later and note when im not hungover anymore :) xox

[[disco-lemonade]] 6/18/2005 1:35:13 PM

You're probably not a flirty drunk but from what I can see you are super hot! Now I'm flirting with you. LOL! Seriously though, you are one awesome guy and your entries kinda inspire me. You're a good writer and have a knack for putting your thoughts into words. If onlt I were that lucky. I'll catch you later Matt. Stay HOT.

Much love and respect,

Ben [Taste The Rain Bow] 6/18/2005 4:56:59 PM

i did that to my dvd player! its well anoying! but i wanted my dvd back!!!! [tink wannabe] 6/18/2005 6:03:26 PM

I feel so ashamed lol to be gay and not have christians harrass me , i guess in that way im lucky but eh i would rather have a good reason to whine then just be lonely lol

TTYL [MplsGayboy1985] 6/19/2005 1:30:21 AM

omg..I'm roman catholic and I'm all for gay rights, and marriage and all that..I swear christians are the biggest hypocrites of all time don't you ever let that get to you. And when someone says that to you, you can tell them they're going against the bible because only God can judge and when they judge you they are going against the word of God..like I said, hypocrites. [.Konstantine.] 6/19/2005 2:45:09 AM

my boyfriend is younger than me and so are a few of my friends. even though im young i like having younger friends bcos i remeber being the same age.

much love [miss_barbie] 7/2/2005 3:24:42 AM

Last updated May 11, 2014