It Hurts in anticlimatic

Yesterday I went over the handlebars of my bicycle at the end of my walkway. I was leaning out over them, and my tire struck a rut I didn’t anticipate. I balanced on top of them for just a moment in the swan-dive pose, but couldn’t quite get gravity to bail me out. So, I tucked and fell and thudded down on the concrete on my shoulder/side. Felt surprisingly OK after the fact, not even a bruise today- but my entire body aches, especially when I laugh or cough or sneeze or anything like that.

That could also be attributed to multiple steady weeks now of hard 14 hour work days- half on other people’s houses to pay the bills, and the other half on my own. It’s been a hefty amount of work, moving whilst also gutting/repairing/renovating both the place you are moving to and the place you are moving from, but I am if nothing a man of perseverance, so forward progress- however begrudged to me by physics and murphy’s law- has been steady on. The body toll is tough, the mental toll is also tough.

I try to make sure to take weekends off to relax, as weekdays I work from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep, but this last one failed to restore me. My girlfriend, who had been a tremendous help with the moving process, seems to be regressing back into lazy mode- binge watching something while binge watching tiktok, every spare second she isn’t working. I don’t hold her to the same standard as myself and I don’t begrudge her her own self care, but I have a feeling she’s trying to “punish” me for some petty event or another.

I dragged her out boating against her will this last weekend while we were relaxing. I was already exhausted from the night before myself, but it was a plan and I was set on it. I was pretty nervous, as I had never launched a boat before, and her bad-mood hyper critical attitude ratcheted up my anxiety and frustration at least 5 specific times that I can recall before the boat motor died on us in the middle of the lake, and I couldn’t help but take the entire volume of my life’s frustrations out on the pull-cord. Unfortunately, she felt very triggered by this, and has been distant and petulant ever since.

I wonder why she thinks petty punitive gestures are in any way beneficial to her. For what time I can spare to think about it between the mountain of responsibilities that I shoulder (alone, I might add), it just makes me contemptuous. Like I made a mistake. Either way, it hurts me. Everything feels out to hurt me. Who wouldn’t lose their temper on such a conspiracy?

Last updated July 18, 2021