Falling through the cracks in Aftermath

So I told the housing worker probably too late but I told her that I read a bad review about the superintendent being real nosy bug and invading people’s privacy and I really saw that when I met her but I assumed that it was just that one time you know but it seems like she does that and I know that I’d be a prime candidate for an energy vampire like her you know.

So I don’t think I’ll take the place you know I don’t you know I feel like people want to push me into stuff and make me feel bad and be desperate but I don’t have to be in that mindset and you know that’s funny for me to say because I talk about privilege all the time and things like that but in this case I don’t have to I don’t feel like I have to worry like I’m worried still and I’m upset because I’m not seeing it in the physical reality but I know that other people’s projections of why I need to accept less than I deserve is not true

What these people don’t understand is that they have done nothing for me to want to believe them or want to do what they want to do.

I reached out to some native organizations in another city in my province and I told them I had this portable housing fund and they came back to me saying we wouldn’t be able to find you a place and you would have the level of support that you haven’t you know would be much worse than R we can you know it’s really bad in R too she should probably come here under this residential “healing” program  for victims of human trafficking and then when I looked it up Glassdoor (which is a website for employees  to say how they experience the their working time there)and it was from 2017 but there was no other review than that so no one wanted to stand up for this organization for 4 years and it’s still running but they said how abusive oppressive and non trauma-informed it is and these people are trying to convince me to go there for their paycheck for their to save their own job don’t tell me that my wanting my own balcony and having my cats and apartment is too much for me to ask

they tried to fear monger me   gas light  me and manipulating me into feeling like I was asking for too much that it’s not possible and I’m spiritual person and I think that’s hard for a lot of people in this world and it’s hard for me for a deal with a lot of people that people think that their experiences and their realities are other people’s experiences in reality as well cuz they’re coming from their own and they put it on to the and if they don’t care anyways because it’s not them so they’re so negative towards me because it’s not them looking for a place I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate people being so negative and telling them to take less than they deserve and put themselves in a worse situation for what they’re not thinking of me they’re just trying to be right they’re trying to fix the problem but they can’t fix it so they want to force me to believe that their solution is the best one because of ego it’s so disgusting this world.

I just wish I had a solution a spiritual as I am I don’t know I just know that I can wait it out because there’s been so many times in my life especially this year where I was so like you know I had to quit a job and I was so like thinking well I don’t have another joke another one and you know maybe I gave up on it too fast but as time went on I realized that I made the right decision and I would have lost it anyways because Co vid

So but this time I don’t even feel bad because I’ve experienced this before about 6 years ago before I moved into this place I was trying to get out of this other place I was living in the other reason that I’m in this place is because I transferred from the same company they only do things in their own best interest and they still even tried to tell me it was going to take 2 years it was going to take 2 years it took less than a year to get me into this place but this is a whole different ball game because no this is this is out of everyone’s best interest.

I’m not going back into any of these subsidized supportive Housing buildings because they’re not for the people they’re there to control an oppress people and give people jobs it’s disgusting.

my Electrical units I feel like are just hanging by the thread in a way I don’t know if it’s a matter of time before this electricity goes out too but I just too overwhelmed to deal with everything and it’s like I have to be a watchdog on everyone.

Gives me so much anxiety like I don’t know if I should follow up with housing worker she’s definitely not following up on me about anything about if she’s reached out to my building to fix my electrical but the thing is I don’t think they will that’s why they haven’t like fixed it for a year now because they don’t want to because it’ll be too expensive I don’t know I think they just want to get me out of here I don’t know how bad it has to get before people start to help me but then they just want me to like rush into something that’s less than f** good to get me stuck into something worse like f* them I’m not getting rid of my cats for no reason.

I don’t know I don’t feel motivated to do much it’s hard just to know not know what the next steps are and be in the dark and not know if you’re wasting your time going One direction or not because no one’s leading you in a way to give you more options but I don’t know I don’t know something’s got to give I got to figure something out and I don’t know how I’m going to figure out but I don’t know I don’t know I am so confused and I’m so I don’t know where to go from here and I can’t imagine how I’m going to figure something out because I didn’t figure it out 6 years ago I just kind of transferred because there was no other help I’m not sure why people don’t want to support me find something on my own terms even if I have to Buck the system because of red tape no one can or will help me

So im just here surviving breathing not doing much because I don’t know which way my life is going and I feel like what’s the point? Everything’s fucked.