Hope soon hopefully in Aftermath

So I wake up today again my heart’s pounding so much anxiety I didn’t sleep well last night cuz I don’t know miles kind of going nuts I was feeling anxious about stuff probably more than I was letting on

I have a viewing that I am going to today the woman seems nice enough but she doesn’t know the truth about that I don’t have a job and then I’m paying through the government and that I’m indigenous yet cuz I am white passing but if I like this please then the letter is going to state that and they will know so hopefully they’re not racist or classes but I can’t guarantee this is my second view and I went to the first one I went to I didn’t like it enough to give them any info

This is all really new to me and I’m kind of sad and mad because no one’s giving me any kind of path forward like the housing worker can’t tell me how long it might take or if any other tenants or clients of theirs have been rejected and how many times it’ll take like I want to ask but I’m scared but I feel like I need to know like I shouldn’t feel like being in the dark here you know realistically I should know how many times it may take for me to get a place possibly if they know but I don’t know like maybe they don’t have the answer to that but I won’t know unless I ask right? At the same time considering their track record with answering my questions I don’t seem to think that I’ll get a straight answer so I have to expect that as well

An old neighbor of mine who I still keep in touch with the only person that I keep in touch with growing up from where I lived. He was my ex-boyfriend’s friend and he was a major creep I remember he was also my friend’s boyfriend and one time I went over to his house and we were sitting on the couch and I was sitting on the other side beside my friend and he a blanket was over them and he reached his whole arm over and started stroking my leg and I was about 16 years old and he was older than that and I just froze I didn’t know what to do I knew that they wouldn’t believe me if I called it out

I was always at odds at this guy he always was kind of intentionally annoying and didn’t respect my boundaries and everyone just kind of let him get away with it he had a disability and his sickness is an illnesses don’t get me wrong but he was extremely rude and obnoxious a lot of the time and no one ever ever called him out and it wasn’t because he had disabilities it was just because he was a white straight male a lot older than us as well

My ex-boyfriend I was 16 and he was I don’t even know but I know that he was at least in his twenties and it’s creepy to think of now because of the time so normal but it wasn’t you know he was of a different race but that was the least of our problems

I was doing terrible yesterday and I did it for the day and it said tower moment and I didn’t have any tower moment yesterday so I guess the time moment was this morning just knowing about the stuff because he was very young so I feel bad for my neighbors and family and friends you know for their loss but him personally he was also sexual predator and was not remorseful and was allowed to do things that you know cheat on his girlfriend by touching me and me not knowing to do so kind of brings it up for me and I didn’t really want to remember that.

Doesn’t look like it’s going to be too hot or cold out which is good cuz I hate it being hot but it’s going to be a lot hotter than it seeing this is going to be 76° but it’s going to be a lot hotter than that because the sun’s out.

I think I already talked about this but last night I went to this group talking with residential schools but you know we talked about a lot more things too but I feel like it was just way more you know it wasn’t relevant like there’s this other group I wanted to take but some predator that another person is also called out he’s allowed to partake in that group at least they told me that there’s a very slight chance that they still might participate in that group and I can’t take that chance

Anyways I feel like being so sensitive to other people’s feelings at times that I absorb a lot and I’m already absorbing a lot of feelings including my own right now a lot of my feelings are not my own I believe a lot of the time so I kind of had to leave very quickly and I didn’t really know why I wanted to be there to meet people and talk with people there’s some really totally good moments but there’s a lot of anxiety in me it’s always kind of awkward online these groups to begin with

So I kind of just quickly said I got to go thanks bye and laughed and I’m wondering if they think that I’m being rude or what they think of it there’s a big part of me that thinks if someone else did that I wouldn’t think too much of it but I feel someone that I knew more like they know me maybe they thought more of it I don’t know but I don’t want to be forced to participate in the groups if I don’t want to I do the bare minimum because I feel as though they want some kind of equal energy exchange even though they really shouldn’t demand that of me

I felt bad at first but then as I went here and wrote a journal entry it was funny that when I looked down at the journal entries for the years before he was talking about how tiring and draining I found group therapy to be that I took on a lot of the emotions and I tried not to but it still was very hard and I thought online would be easier but it’s not you can still feel the energy I mean I should know that I do tarot readings online and the energy is very accurate and comes through really good

I have this person that is a really big fan of me on Tarot and I appreciate the flattery and the connection but sometimes I feel like she’s a bit much  sometimes she sent me a nice tip which is really really generous and great but she gives me a lot of anxiety because I get overwhelmed by compliments you know you know it just doesn’t feel right to me and excessive amount of flattery I mean all I can say is that maybe she’s extremely lonely she really likes my content but I don’t really know how to go about it or if I should say anything at this point I don’t want to and I don’t feel like it I’m too overwhelmed but it’s hard for me to see notifications of six messages you know I know that they’re not bad ones or anything but it’s just overwhelming for me I don’t like having message messages unread not because I feel so guilty about getting back to it it’s just something about feeling piled up on I hate the Instagram feature scene because I don’t feel like people should know when you see things or not and it puts this expectation that you have to respond right away and I don’t think that that should be the case but people feel that way I mean depending on how urgent things are something’s really urgent and someone sees something and you see them posted on other things then yeah but for most messages I don’t think that they require an immediate reply but when people say seen and they see when you’re last on they get their feelings hurt and they get mad and they get resentful and they feel like they you owe them something

Honestly if people can respond and say something right in that moment great but some of us need time to digest what we’re hearing and what we’re reading even saying that can trigger someone to try to convince you to respond to them right away it’s just really anxiety provoking I’m not sure why they have that seen feature on Instagram.

So I went to bed at 4:00 and I woke up at 9:00 I’m in my ovulation so I mean it’s kind of a given that my energy is having me wake up this early but I threw up this morning cuz acid reflux and as well as you know just not feeling well my stomach if you’re a Virgo you’ll know what I mean we have a lot of intestinal issues

The extra anxiety is also from ovulation especially when the stress is on about trying to find a place to live it keeps my anxiety at the sight and level and I’m just crying right now because I hate it it’s so uncomfortable anxiety and it just doesn’t go away it’s just something I have to live with when I go out and knowing that I can have diarrhea makes it even worse it’s not just having a panic attack for me with this pandemic it’s been horrible the closing of the f** washrooms you know and it’s made me not go out as much because of that

There’s not enough washrooms as it is

I’m just a full of sunshine lately I know but you know what I have to just allow myself to be this way because too many people expect me to be happy for their convenience so that they don’t feel guilty about how they treated me or they don’t have to face their own reality about things they have the privilege not to be able to have to do that

But it does make me sad because I want to have more positive experiences with people and things so that I can be positive your mind can’t be positive and calm if all around you is hostility and difference in coldness and you feel out in the dark you’re not sure how to proceed with things and you’re just taking leaps of  faith constantly because you need to

I also got a response from my Instagram this morning where I called out my building for how they’re treating me and the racism that they have in the support of housing building and someone you know responded in a very supportive way which I’m happy about it but it also makes me feel very anxious knowing that the more attention my comment gets which I didn’t expect them to get much I just wanted to put a statement I don’t have any picture on that account or anything like that but I just don’t want any scrutiny

I wish this building would give me a good reference for me paying my rent on time but I don’t think that they will unfortunately because I have no idea I really I mean they won’t fix my electricity they won’t fix my repairs and have advocated and they’ve lied and done nothing about it so they really should do me that favor but they’re s* ass abusive behavior and their negligence towards me unfortunately and surprisingly is offensive to them?

Figures I’ve dealt with abusive people and institutions all my life I know exactly how they work I can intellectually get into their mind probably screw them over more than they can screw me over because the thing about people are narcissistic and power hungry is that they don’t have self-awareness and without self-awareness at the end of the day if someone has self awareness about themselves they’re confident enough to be knocked down and acknowledge what they where they need to do work or defend against lies or baiting something the narcissist is really not great at doing

A narcissist in my opinions whole safety is the compliance silence and manipulation of the people around them without that they can’t get further because they rely on people to boost them up give them credit credibility to protect them to go out in flying monkeys right to destroy someone’s reputation or do their dirty work

Eventually those people catch on that they’re being exploited and not treated well because the narcissist cannot keep up facade for very long I think the average is about 4 months around that time depending on that person’s vulnerability factors and support that they have around them they may still see stay in fear and not say anything like what I did when I left the situation

If this is making no sense to you don’t worry it’s just kind of my random splattering of thoughts and what’s going on with my life right now which is a lot.

But I was up last night looking at reading into astrology and learning how to do astrology it’s really fascinating to be learning about Grand trines and conjunctions and stelliums is very used to be very complex for me but because of tiktok a lot of people my age are younger are explaining it in a lot of really well easily understood terms and in a way that engages you and wanting you to know more about your chart or before the information was kind of a bit dry and hard to understand especially when you just see a chart a circle and you see all these lines intersecting and degrees and numbers and charts and most free birth charts won’t sites won’t really tell you or help you explain your chart cuz a lot of that is paid but it will give you a little bit of a rundown and literally wasted $25 last night getting a full report of something and it was really s* so I’d rather learn myself and I knew this one was going to be like pre-written and all that but it was really really a rip off and I’m so pissed off that I fell for it

So from now on I’m just going to teach myself because even if it was accurate it was a rip off and it really didn’t give me much info on anything that it claimed that it was going to just a money grab

Man I’m so sick of this place I hope I can get the f out of here soon I remember yesterday so I was screaming really loudly and crazy like they do in the city sometimes but this screen was really scary especially when I got the tower card just as I was able to going to the store I knew something big could have happened and to be honest with you the guy was coming kind of coming towards the apartment maybe I was wrong and I didn’t have my glasses but no one else was around and I just ran into my building and closed the door because I knew that the doors are accessible doors so they don’t close on their own they open automatically so you kind of have to slam them for them to close quickly which really makes things a lot less safe here I’m not sure if they know that or what their intentions were by making doors automatically open that way but it makes it easier unless you physically pull them shot like I did yesterday and people looked at me like I had three heads I even warned one of my neighbors about it and she just didn’t even say thank you just smirked at me like I’m f*** crazy I don’t particularly like this one neighbor she’s so on and off you know but it was really rude but I’m not surprised that I just try not to let it hurt me because I know how she is and I’m done trying to be nice to people here if they want to be rude like this I don’t want to be friends with them to begin with or even kind and all like not kind but not even like you know give them the time of day

I don’t regret cautioning to her though she did have a child with her at the end of the day her behaviors on her anyway circumstance though I’m really just not going to tell her anything unless it’s like directly affects someone safety then I will cuz I’m not that petty and she hasn’t done me that wrong

So I probably won’t be able to get to sleep at this point again which sucks but it is what it is so I’m going to do some laundry I think