Sun Day in Current Events

When I got home from work on Friday Toni was in rough shape. She had a panic attack so severe that it caused her to spend the entire day throwing up. She was crying uncontrollably all day long and convinced herself that it would never stop. She is unable to soothe herself, this is one of the first things we learn as babies. What eats her at her core is lonelliness. That is the catalyst of all of it. Her anxiety and depression are symptoms of that. She can change the content in her life as much as she wants but that loneliness will never go away until she changes the context. She’s so close to realizing that she needs to actually face her shit and deal with it. Nobody is coming along to do that journey for her and give her all of her answers. As I explained to her when she opened up to me about it. If I was feeling petty I could have made that entire moment about me as she did to me a few weeks back when I opened up to her about what my family is going through with my grandmother.

Speaking of my grandmother, today my mother and I finished packing the last of her stuff. We move her on Friday. She is still at the hospital and not happy about it. Her doctor priests are failing her very hard. They’re just removing the symptoms as per usual and then are acting shocked when she clots and get blockages again. Deathcare. Anyway, I spent the night at my sister’s last night. Had a movie night with my niece and nephew. The movie we watched was Raya and the Last Dragon and it was so good. I laughed, I cried. I wanted to come home and enjoy the place to myself today as the only day of the week I get to myself but my mother asked me to help her pack the last of the stuff at my grandmother’s apartment. I, of course, want to be supportive of my mother and grandmother and did it.

I wanted to go over my budget today and then create one for Toni and me. I prefer to do that when I’m home alone. I’ll try and do it this evening even if she is home. She tasked me with that after accusing me of free-loading. I’m not over it. She got almost all of my check last week and is not pulling her weight with groceries and essentials. I am transparent about what I buy, I offer her the receipts so she can decide what she wants to chip in with but she has never once done so. She tasked me to tabulate that for her at the end of the month and she will split the bill in half. First of all, that makes my money very tight at the beginning of the month. I’m down to next to nothing right now because I sent her what she felt I owed her. Then had the audacity to ask me what it was for, she has no memory of demanding that from me. Anyway, the only way that splitting that cost down the middle is worth it for her is if I share my meal prep and meals with her. As I explained. She doesn’t know how to cook and wouldn’t know what to do with anything I buy. The problem is that she has yet to give me a dime. This is obviously a conversation I need to have with her but it is hard to catch her sober. Let alone catch her when she feels up to it. This agreement she randomly switched to, again, is our first one. For room and board, she is just paying for room while I cover room & board and everything else. I’m serious, I had to spend so much because we had nothing coming in. Somebody had to do it. Whatever.

Not feeling like an adult is one of her insecurities. She doesn’t act much like an adult to me but I don’t complain to her about it, yet. Being an adult, to me, is doing the things you don’t feel like doing. Nobody is going to come along and make you go over a budget, make you stop eating like garbage, to make you put your phone down and go for a walk. We have to parent ourselves and she is not very good at it. I feel like I am in a relationship with her, she became a little too codependent on me. I’m not a fan of that. I got her to admit that she put way too many expectations on this move. She convinced herself that it would cure her loneliness and all of her problems. Now she gets to live with that let-down. This is an opportunity for her to develop some introspection and work on her metacognition. To start living consciously and stop letting life just happen to her. She is a co-creator. I explained to her how it is obvious to me that she is self-sabotaging. Bad day = wine, bad mood = weed, loneliness = Bob. Then all of the character flaws that come with it get taken out on me. If she is miserable she will need a reason and she will never look at herself for that. I didn’t explain that last part but she is like a teenager full of angst and attitude. She wonders why it is hard to keep friends, a man, and maintain a healthy relationship with her family. Whatever, not my problem. She’s my friend, I love her, and I will try to be supportive. We need to sort out this financial situation though, it’s bullshit.