Getting Through This in Days of My Destiny

The thing is, we TALK about this stuff. Yes, even the stuff that is not that comfortable to admit, we talk about. And I think that's what makes us an awesome couple. When I had suggested our weekend away and he reacted the way he did, I felt hurt that he didn't want to do something new and adventurous with me and me ALONE. When we were in the shower, we talked about it some more and I told him that I've been feeling "bored - with us" lately. It's not nice to admit that, and I was kind of relieved when he admitted that he too has been feeling like that. Last night we had another chat. I told him everything I wrote in here, and how the first and last time I felt like this I didn't know how to cope and ended up cheating on him and that there's no way that's what I want to do now. He was glad for that. But you know, typing it is different. Typing it is easy, it's still a thought. SAYING it...... is painful. I cried in pain. Pain at that time in our lives, pain at wishing I had known back then that this feeling I'm feeling now WOULD come back again and again and that it is just part of LIFE and that there's not much to be done about it other than to JUST. GET. THROUGH .IT..... I'm determined to do that now - that's a positive.

I told him last night that part of me is excitedly thinking, "I can't wait to go away together!" (when we organize it), but the other part of me is irritated, thinking, "No! I CAN'T wait! I can't wait that long, it's too long!" You know? I said that if we were living in the city like we used to, there WOULD be something we could do to add a bit of spice to things, like take up some dance classes. I emphasised that it'd have to be something we would find to do TOGETHER, as it's US that are feeling this. But out here? .................................. there's nothing. So what do you do?? He mentioned that we need to make sure that we finally start our annual family getaways for 2 weeks. None of this "take a day off on Friday" to enjoy an extra-long weekend. He said that at the end of the day, whether it's 2 days or 3 days, the weekend is still a weekend, with a whole week's worth of work on either side of it. Good point. He feels that his own getaway on the weekend was disappointing rather than refreshing like he had hoped. He says that he has come back feeling over it. And honestly, like I said to him, I think it was his organising of that trip that made me start feeling over it. I mean, I'm MORE than happy for him to go away on a solo trip - I've done it and it's good for the soul. [No kids in the car, you can turn your music up as loud as you want whenever you want for however long you want. Your stops can be as long or as short as you want them to be, without having to cater for anybody else's needs or wants or complaints. Time that stretches as far as the horizons, time to ponder, time to think, time to breathe, time to be.] When he was organizing this solo trip of his, part of me thought, "Yep, I think I'm due for another solo trip myself soon........" but the reality is, I don't WANT a solo trip. I want a trip away TOGETHER. As a DUO. So we can just BE. Just be US - have sex whenever, talk about whatever whenever, go wherever, go out for drinks if we feel like it and meet people, swim, sunbathe, make love, eat amazing food without the bad manners from the children or having any moment have to be a "teachable" moment. [How to eat/behave at a restaurant, dealing with tears while out anywhere, etc etc.] You know, I just want to SWITCH OFF this parenting gig for a day or two, to be able to nurture OURSELVES!

So we're looking into it. In the meantime, I need to be patient and remember that we really ARE awesome, for going through this together and for talking about it.

I got up with him early this morning and made him sandwiches. I really didn't feel like doing it, but I'd had enough sleep and I wanted to put in a little effort, because I know how much he hates getting up that early for work on day shift. But there was a quiet........ something in the air. I could sense that he didn't really want me to be up with him today. And we moved about mechanically and said our I love yous before he left and we smiled nicely. Mechanically. Just getting through this.

The thing I find the most surprising is how this sneaks up on you. This whole year and for years now, I have felt that we are just AMAZING. Life couldn't get any better. And then suddenly, BAM, it's there. Seemingly out of nothing.