Scared of my own boyfriend :( in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

Scared of my own boyfriend :( - 6/5/2005

There is this man sitting a the bar when the most beautiful woman he has ever seen walk in. So he pops two tic-tac and walks over to her.

"Lets cut the small talk, so your place or mine?" he says

She looks at him and replies "Mine." So he gets into his car and she gets into her car and the go over to her place. When they get up to her apartment he walks in and sees all these dicks hanging on the walls.

He jumps back and cries, "What the hell is going on here?"

She answers him, "If you don't satsify me that's where your going to hang. So how do you want it?"

The man thinks for a minute and tells her to go into the bedroom, turn out the lights and get naked. When she goes into the bedroom he goes back down to his car and gets this big mother watermelon out of truck. He goes back up to her place and knocks on the bedroom door.

"Are you ready?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies.

So he goes into the room and starts to pump her with the watermelon. She is just screaming her lungs out loving every minute of it. This goes on for an hour or so.

When he finishes, he asks her, "So how was that?"

The woman catches her breath and says, "Ahhh nothing like a good fingering before a fuck!!!!!"

Ok, I've got to write this now before I totally lose it.  I relaly don't know where to start.  basically I know deep down that the cause of all of this is my paranoia and how out of control it can get.  I'm writing this entry even before I can  check to see what i wrote on my previous one, so I'm sorry if I repeat anything I've already mentioned.

Last night, when Luke got home from work, he walked in, slammed the door behind him, didn't say a word to me, and barely looked at me.  I sat there in silence while watching him stomp around the room, a look of extreme pissed-off-ness on his face.  I was scared.  That one word is going to be used a fair bit in this entry - 'scared'.  He got some dinner out of the freezer, put in in the microwave to defrost, slammed the microwave door shut (the microwave being mine, as i own most of the appliances in the house), and proceded to stomp around a bit more.  I really don't give a fuck anymore.  I just sat there watching him, and he knew it, and occasionally would glance at me, and then look away, almost as if it was in disgust.  Finally when he was at the sink, I said this, "I know you don't want to see me, but I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to talk to you."  He told me I might as well go to the party.  He then told me something that made me really sad for him - he said he had a phone call about 10 minutes ago, from his mum, saying that his nan was in hospital, and she nearly died last night.  God talk about a brain-strain.  I felt so horrible.  On top on me being really difficult, he had this on top of it all.  He sat on the kitchen bench with his face in his hands, and his face squished up as the tears forced their way through his toughness.  He was a mess.  Now I didn't know what to do.  I thought he was pissed off with me, and all I really wanted to do at that point was give him a hug and do the boyfriend thing, comfort him.  But I didn't even know where I stood.  I was scared of him.  I asked him if it was okay to hug him.  I must've asked twice or three times, he said hesitantly, 'yes you can, but you might as well go cos I'm not going to feel like talking much tonight.'  I hesitantly put my arm around him and squeezed lightly, but it was obvious, at least to me, that I was the last person he wanted to comfort him.  I then walked off to the bedroom distressed, and must've cried for at least an hour.  Not just cried - fully bawled my eyes out.  I felt helpless, hopeless...and I feared him.  The vibes from him were extremem anger and upsetness (if that's a word).  I couldn't be the loving boyfriend because of my paranoia at work I'd near-convinced myself that we wouldn't be boyfriends anymore.  Luke turned on the music on this computer and listened to a variety of songs including, "kissing you' by Des'ree, "Hands" by Jewel and "Foolish Games" by Jewel.  It's amazing how when your upset, all the lyrics of those songs seemed to apply as though they were meant for me from Luke.

I finally told myself to get a grip, forced back the tears and grabbed some clothes and went and had a shower.  i had told myself I was going to go to the party.  I might as well as Luke didn't want me here.  I felt I was being kicked out of my own home, like I wasn't welcome.  The shower felt good, it always does.  I changed and went back inside, totally avoiding eye-contact with Luke.  I was hurting way too much to even look at him at this point.  I got my stuff like wallet and phone, and as I went out the door I said, "I probably won't be back tonight...I'll....give you your space."  With not a word from his mouth, I exited the house, got in my car, messaged Mark that I was now coming, after previously messaging him saying i wasn't cos I needed to talk to Luke.  He was happy I was coming, but when he rang me as I was driving there, it was obvious that he was pissed off his face.  i was thinking, 'oh great, this is just what i need, a drunken ex-boyfriend".  Anyway I went there.  I arrived and yes, I was right.  Mark could barely stand up.  He was a completely different person.  I felt so uncomfortable there.  I stayed there for about half an hour to an hour, and I made an excuse I had to go, as i was going to go for a drive to try to clear my head.  I said I didn't know where I was gunna end up.  Mark had told pretty much everyone who was at the party that I was his ex-boyfriend and I had a big cock - I think that was my cue to leave.  My God.  It's funny now cos he sent me a message this morning saying 'hey i'm sorry 4 last nite i hope i didnt do nething 2 horrible and that ur feeling better'.  Yeh, not at all mark lol.

I left Mark's place in a really bad state, although I didn't show it on the outside.  My insides, like my heart felt like it was in pain.  My brain had so many thoughts that day that I had a minor headache, and I had cried for so long that my tears stung against my cheeks.  Mark talked to me drunkenly at my car for a fair while, and I just wanted to leave.  I couldn't understand most of what he was on about anyway.  God he's weird drunk, I really don't like it.  I'm glad I never saw that when we were going out.  I finally took off, with no idea where to go.  I was confused, I was....you know what, I was terrified.  Did my boyfriend like me?  Does he hate my guts?  Is he okay?  He told me at the house that he had 'stupidly' accepted a shift for a lazy shit at his work out of niceness, and was kicking himself for that as well, so he's at work doing 8-9pm today.  God he msut have a lot on his mind today, I worry about him so much.  I just wish I felt like I could talk to him about it, but I don't.  Not yet.  Maybe when he calms down, well at least that's what i'm hoping.  Anyway back to the story.

I took off with destination nowhere.  I thought I'd turn right and keep heading futher away from home.  Should I go to Toowoomba?  No, I didn't feel like doing that.  Should I go visit Scott?  No I couldn't do that cos he hates my guts as well at the moment.  You know when you feel like you're all alone, none of your friends care or you have no friends, and you just don't want to be there?  That was me last night.  That was me driving along the main streets of Brisbane, crying so I could barely see the road anyway, with nowhere to go.  I couldn't go home cos Luke didnt want me there and I had told him I wouldn't be back that night.  I eventually gave in and told myself that the only option I had was to go home, and if Luke didn't like it he'd have to get the hell over it, cos it's my house and I pay rent there too.  I didn't want to be scared of living in my own house.  I didn't.  I got home at about 1:30am, and the lights were still on.  I thought grudgingly, 'great he's still up'.  I never wanted to think like that cries.  I walked inside, he was obviously pissed I was back there, went straight to the room and went to bed.  God I felt good to be home.  I was jsut glad I had somewhere to sleep.  I was at the point last night where I was just going to park the car in a secluded spot, and sleep in it for the night.  I'm glad I came back.  I woke up this morning and it was almost as though Luke was trying to cuddle me, like he usually does, and God that felt nice.  Then I thought to myself that he was still sleeping and if he knew what he was doing, he'd retract.  My boyfriend is scaring me.  I feel so bad because I know I shouldn't be worrying about any of this and that none of it is imprtant, because Luke always told me that family comes first over everything, and he's probably not even thinking about me, that he's only concerned for his nan.  And fair enough, I would be too!  But what concerns me is that I feel like I can't be there for him.  I feel like I can't be the one who can cuddle him and for him to talk to - cos he hates me.  I want the Luke I know to come back in my life.  I want the fun times.  I hate feeling like this, I don't want to be scared.  I just need a hug and to be told everything is going to be okay.  I love you guys.  If you've read this far, I'm very very proud of you.

-Matt

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

i've read this far, i randomed here. i'm sorry you're going through this, it's hard feeling helpless isn't it. i've added you to my favorites, come say hi when you're feeling up to it. [i got id] 6/4/2005 11:35:04 PM

awww baby...i wish i could make you feel better, and i hope that you guys get everything together and are just happy again. everything happens for a reason, so maybe this happened to make you realize how much you actually DO love him, and want to be with him? just try and talk everything out..or let him read THIS entry, so he will see how much you really care. xox

[[disco-lemonade]] 6/4/2005 11:38:47 PM

Matty, I don't even know what to say. But you'd be amazed at how unrational people think when they're in the process of grieving. I'm sure Luke is just overwhelmed at this point and as soon as everything calms I'm sure you guys will be able to talk everything out ... as long as you're BOTH completely honest. [Orange Blossom] 6/5/2005 12:16:11 AM

oh man, hopefully this'll all blow over. he's going through a stressful time, and if you let him have some room to breath and let stuff sink in and crap, it'll all just be over before you know it. let him know you love him though, :) [penfifteen] 6/5/2005 12:58:44 AM

honey. you should be scared of the one you love.

im sorry your having to go through this.

Love ya babe. [fries] 6/5/2005 1:52:28 AM

hugs

don't know how much of it all will be ok...but it probably isn't all that bad. sounds like you're both just going thru a really rough patch:(. i hope itll pass...good luck! take care.

xxx [dysfunctional_faerie] 6/5/2005 5:32:10 AM

Hey, I have added you to my faves, your in Bris? I'm up in Toowoomba. [x2c] [p] 6/5/2005 5:41:19 AM

RYN: Yeah it sucks, I feel so sorry for his family and close friends. Like I hadn't talked to him in years, so its not like I was close to him, but still was upsetting. My mum was actually up north and heard bout it before me! I was worried cause some of my besties live along there and are around the same ages, so I msgd them straight away just hid it wit a general, hey what yas doin tonight... [x2c] 6/5/2005 7:13:19 AM

awww hugs

[~Lea~] 6/5/2005 10:35:58 AM

hi, in response to your frontpage . . . well, i've been told i'm a hottie, and horornot.com tells me i'm decent, but i can't leave you my number . . . i live in the states. :-P i've read a few of your entries, and i really enjoyed them! you're witty, entertaining, and a good writer. so let's start up a correspondence. i've added you to my favorites list. :-)

also . . . i'm in the closet. very much [p] 6/5/2005 11:06:17 AM

so, so I'd appreciate if you leave private notes when you refer to my . . . interest in men. i guess i'm bisexual, though i don't like to put a term on anything. i have a hot boyfriend. his name is chris and he loves me very much. he's a few months older and going to college next year . . . i'm going to miss him, but i think we'll be together.

i'm sorry about your boyfriend's troubles. feel better [Prince Zidane] [p] 6/5/2005 11:07:41 AM

hi, in response to your frontpage . . . well, i've been told i'm a hottie, and horornot.com tells me i'm decent, but i can't leave you my number . . . i live in the states. :-P i've read a few of your entries, and i really enjoyed them! you're witty, entertaining, and a good writer. so let's start up a correspondence. i've added you to my favorites list. :-)

also . . . i'm in the closet. very much [Prince Zidane] [p] 6/5/2005 11:08:10 AM

Matt honey, first off...you're not alone. don't ever feel that way. I read this and wanna give you my cell number just to help you out. second, your boyfriend loves you matt, you know that. Do yourself and him a favor...don't question that. Give him space and time but most of all your love. if you truly love him...you would understand him when he gets like this. just, give it time. everythingbfine [SeNtInAlLoVe] 6/5/2005 11:41:56 AM

::sigh:: I am so sorry babe...I'm not really sure what to say. There's so much going on at once, I wish there was something I could do for you. Just try to hang in there. As for Luke, all you can do is be there for him when he needs you. He's going through a tough time and he'll eventually realize he can't go through it alone. Keep your head high...I'm always here if you ever wanna talk...

-Chris [Ethereal Remains] 6/5/2005 1:53:12 PM

I just stumbled across your diary and I'm adding you to my favorites if you don't mind. You seem very interesting.

I hope everything works out with you and your boyfriend. I think your doing the right thing by giving him some space. Just make sure he knows your there for him when he's ready to talk. [h*danielle] [p] 6/5/2005 3:08:56 PM

Your very cute too. Too bad your not into girls. :) [h*danielle] [p] 6/5/2005 3:09:51 PM

[Daimones] 6/8/2005 6:25:03 PM

Last updated May 09, 2014