Good day... til now in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

good day...til now - 5/18/2005

I have an opinion, yet I do not know The reason why God chooses people to grow I have my own view, yet I do not see Why people judge others so unknowingly

You have an opinion, yet you do not know The hurt I feel as I struggle to grow You think i'm crude, you criticize me Just cos i'm myself you make my heart bleed

You want to listen, but the topic is taboo The person I am doesnt relate to you You think i'm confused, you begin to get scared But the truth is that i've already been there

I've read and I've prayed and i've pleaded and begged I've knelt down for communion, for wine and for bread I've cried for ages sitting outside a church All because I felt unworthy and hurt

I spoke to a preacher's wife, five hours in prayer All while my boyfriend and others were there I might be gay, but I believe in the Lord While a straight unbeliever is to his own accord

I won't sit in depression, I'll go out and have fun Some of my Christian friends are second to none Others have fallen and contact is rare But the one thing I know is the Lord always cares

I've had friends who've run screaming and other's stuck by Who'll hug me when I get upset and cry Friends who are there, joke around and have fun That's how I know God's number one.

The poem on the right is one I wrote a few years ago, but there has never been a better time to use it in a diary entry.

At the moment I'm feeling a false sense of security.  I'm feeling vulnerable, uneasy, frightened, shocked, confused and shaken.  One of my MSN 'friends' really challenged me on my faith and my sexuality tonight.  And I am not one to try to get into these sorts of debates, because I've had to deal with them my entire life.  I'm really pissed off too because I couldn't defend myself.  I couldn't defend myself the way I would have liked to.  I couldn't defend her comebacks, because, although I agreed with what she was saying, that's just it, I didn't.  I've arrived at a stage in my life where God has told me, "Matt this is where you are, and I'll let you know my plans after the commercial break."  I got so scared.  She challenged me and pretty much brought my self-confidence back down to a minimum, a whisp of smoke, a... I can't even think how to put my words now.  She really shook me, put it that way.

I think I like gay christians who are more concentrated on the gay aspect of life, and God is always there guiding them along, and they know that.  Not the gay christians who are more for God because it makes me feel bad I'm not up to 'their standard'.  I think myself lucky I have a Christian boyfriend because Luke and I can, and have, talked about this.  If either of us decides to live for God and not pursue the relationship, then so be it, we have to respect that and just be friends.  I'm not about to do that.  Not yet.  Probably not ever.  And now she's back online pursuing me, shit.  Damn Christians who don't understand.  I wish I wasn't so nice, I could actually fight back if I wasn't.  And this girl I've always respected, which makes it even worse.  Luke doesn't get home for about another hour yet.  When he gets home I am so going to hug him and probably cry, and tell him all that's happened.  It's amazing how one person can really weive their way into your conscience and thoughts.  She signed back in and said "It's your issue, not mine" and signed back out again.  What is that?  Suppose to make we wonder?  I know I'm like this now, all weirded out and thinking, but knowing me like I do, I know I'll be back to my "sinning" self tomorrow.  I love God isnt that enough? John 3:16 - For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life".  I'm sorry but take that how you want it.  I love him, I believe in him, and, just in case, i'm baptised.  If I go to hell, I guess so be it.  God now i'm crying.  i guess a few tears are actually good for you.

You know what? I don't care.  A bit of self-confidence might build me back up.  My bestie Sam jsut signed in and he always makes me feel better.  Couldn't have better timing.  I have a wonderful life.  God's got me this far for a reason.  God allowed me to meet Luke for a reason.  God allowed me to have crushes on guys for a reason.  And when I get up to heaven to meet him, I'll find out what those reasons are.  Only one person in this entire world has not sinned, and that was Jesus himself.  Not one other person, no-one, zilch.  God loves me and it doesn't matter what one person thinks of me or what THEY think GOD thinks of me.  I'm typing this trying to make myself feel better, but I feel it's only slightly working.  Dammit!  God I can't wait to go to bed, work's gunna be hell tomorrow too especially with this on my mind.  Naomi rang me tonight, and she told me that Tash dislocated her knee at work tonight, so that means I'll be doing everything by myself tomorrow night.

I don't understand why I jsut can't be left alone to deal with this myself.  My relationship with God is my relationship with God.  I don't need someone FUCKING trying to live it for me or tell me I'm 'sinning'.  i have my own view on that.  God loves me, I know he does.  I doubt I'll ever understand (as long as I'm on this Earth) why I find some guys so unbelieavably gorgeous.  I don't give a flying fuck what some non-understanding Christian thinks.  Try being in my shoes huh?  I signed up for gaychristians.net, in a hope to find someone I can relate to.  I'm not liking my hopes there either.   sigh Oh well, only one way to find out.  Sometimes I feel so alone.  Letting down the highest power there is?  It's a pretty daunting feeling sometimes, and you need a lot of encouragement to keep your courage.  I think now is one of those times.  I just need to understand where I am in my life and understand that the God is always there for me, gay or straight.  God loves everyone equally and all sin is equal.  Bit of a rant here I know but God i needed it.  Thank God (pun intended) that this site exists I tell ya.  I'd be fucked if I couldn't express my thoughts on paper.  Oh and if that girl who told me all that tonight is reading this, thanks for fucking up my thoughts.  I thought gay guys were the only ones who played attacking mind games.  Love you all. 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

hugs
I had a music box once when I was little. I don't remember the song it played but written on it said, "be glad you're you, for that's a good thing to be." You are who you are and your beliefs and feelings are your own. Don't let someone else put you down.
The way I see it, whether it is sinning or not, God loves everyone ... gay, straight, bi, whatever.

And I simply adore you. [Orange Blossom] 5/18/2005 12:04:48 PM

Sure, I have my own personal beliefs and they don't always agree or match up to everyone elses, but that's why I keep them to myself. You can argue it out with someone but in the end, I know I'm right, they know they're right, and we have to agree to disagree. Don't let this girl make you feel that way. She has no right to do that.

hugs again [Orange Blossom] 5/18/2005 12:06:18 PM

im sorry you had to go through it.. i have gone through it enough..

blah.

I wish they would just leave us alone and let us live.

[fries] [p] 5/18/2005 2:28:39 PM

Women are evil. Don't listen to that female, mate, coz you're an angel and don't deserve to be attacked in such a... cheap way.

Listen, okay? There's no PROOF the God you believe in said you shouldn't be gay. Yes, it's in the Bible, but that DOESN'T mean God said it. I'm not saying the Bible isn't (your) God's word--though I believe it.

See... how do I say this?

Right.

Look: (contd) [Ness] 5/18/2005 2:42:26 PM

I don't believe the Bible is the "word" of ANY God. Christian, Hindu, whatever. God MAY have given the commandments to someone long ago, but what we know today ISN'T his word--it just can't be, in my opinoin.

Because... because there's no saying, mate, that someone, in the course of these two thousand odd years, DIDN'T add his own spin on what people should or should not do. Maybe a poofter [Ness] 5/18/2005 2:44:21 PM

pissed someone in 'high standing' off, and that person became a homophobe, there's no saying he could've slipped in the commandement about how thou shalt not lie with a man as thou dost with a woman et cetera.

I'm so inarticulate right now and I'm sorry. But I think you know what I'm trying to say.

You CAN be Christian and gay. You CAN believe in the Bible and be gay. Why? Because you don't [Ness] 5/18/2005 2:46:56 PM

--no, scratch that.

Bugger! I'm so muddled-up right now!

You get what I'm saying?

Sorry for leaving so many stupid notes. Delete them if you like, really. [Ness] 5/18/2005 2:49:35 PM

Oh, and, ::hugs::

You're a real sweetheart; we love you.

... ... ...

Uh, 'we' meaning me and the old alter-ego, that is. [Ness] 5/18/2005 2:58:25 PM

Hmm... I think what Ness is trying to say is just be you. You're not the only one with this problem with people trying to change your opinions on things. I live in Mormonville. If you know what the Mormon religion is like, then you know the hell I go through. If not, I'd be more than happy to tell you, lol!! Anyways, just be happy, and screw all those who hate us. [chikinstukrakir] 5/18/2005 5:21:02 PM

no one can tell you what to believe or think, ESPECIALLY on such personal issues such as sexuality. I'm not Christian, so pardon me, but the interpretation of the Bible does not necessarily indicate that homosexuality is a sin in this day and age, and there are so many problems of knowledge with that. God is within you, and always on your side. Hopefully tommorrow is a better day! [Interpreter of Life] 5/18/2005 9:13:39 PM

God. I think that if we were meant to understand him, we would have figured it all out by now. --Matt [Matteo Al Monty] 5/18/2005 11:05:30 PM

owch. touchy issue.

personally? i think being gay is wrong. that being said though, it is a sin just like lying, stealing, etc. which i do all the time, although i try not to. when it comes down to it...whatever you do, you're a sinner, no better or worse than ne1 else. so that means we have no right to judge ne1 else for what they say or do.

I'm a Christian too...and I know that God is more [dysfunctional_faerie] [p] 5/19/2005 12:14:42 AM

...concerned with the attitude of the heart than what we actually do. if you genuinely love God and are trying to live for him, that will be reflected in how you live your life anyway. the fact that you are wrestling with the right/wrong of it all shows that you actually do care about that, about trying to figure out and do whats right. In the end, it's between God and you, nobody else. Best of [dysfunctional_faerie] [p] 5/19/2005 12:16:37 AM

...luck, whatever you decide. Either way, I won't judge you for it. That isn't my place, or anybody else's but God's.

"Don't be concerned if somebody calls you a liar; be concerned if you are a liar." (some Chinese proverb:P)

Follow your heart, pray about it. You'll get there in the end:). Take care, God bless. luv kez. [dysfunctional_faerie] [p] 5/19/2005 12:19:02 AM

RYN: You chucked a SCORPIO? gasp On behalf of all Scorps, I scold you. Naugh'y, naugh'y, mister.

My ex-best mate was a Scorpio. He was insufferable. I think why I hate him so much now is because I couldn't stand seeing the same faults in him as me. [Ness] 5/19/2005 11:19:26 AM

That was a really good poem. I try to avoid religious debates if I can, because I'm definitely a strongly religious person, and a christian, but some of my views differ from mainstream; so i can understand where you might have some issues in that area. In my opinion, you sound like you're a much better christian than some of my straight friends who claim to be religious - and I know that God loves 5/19/2005 12:43:38 PM

... you very much, just like he loves all of us. I'm questioning his plans for my life myself right now, but it seems things work out best when I just trust that he knows what's right for me and everything will be taken care of. For instance, I'm going to a job interview in an hour - which means I'll have money soon, and can go back to Australia in the future. :D Ttyl. ♥

[~Tiffany~] 5/19/2005 12:45:39 PM

RYN: lol yeah I think I'll keep the Aussie money as a souvenier. (can't spell that word either, lol). As for how I fit all that stuff in my purse... did I confuse you with listing what I wrote on the customs form? the form itself was in my purse, the vegemite, chocolate, and books weren't. no way i could fit four paperbacks in a normal purse. I'm always amazed with how much stuff I can fit, [~Tiffany~] 5/19/2005 12:50:55 PM

though - after all that stuff, there was still room for a disposable camera and my mobile. :) Okay now I've left you enough notes for one entry, sorry. bye for now. ♥

[~Tiffany~] 5/19/2005 12:54:27 PM

That's not fair..honest, why would the li'l ho throw that in your face? A very cheap shot, indeed. It's not right, we shouldn't have to choose on whether being gay or christian, we can be both just the same. The equivalent of saying you can't be brown eyed and christian, ya have to choose. Well, we can't; and I don't see why we have to go through this extra challenge..But, this is what.... [dunoamb] 5/19/2005 5:45:51 PM

..God intended I s'pose, and remember that it's making you a better, stronger person.
And yes, yes we do all love you. Big, love OD hug

<3 Feel better, and this is just another reason why women ARE evil and why boys are the only way to go. :) [dunoamb] 5/19/2005 5:47:25 PM

ryn: thanks, man. i needed the smile. turkeyburgers are easy! ground turkey with garlic. broil or grill them like you would beef. i like 'em better - 'cause beef doesn't like my stupid malfunctioning insides. stupid insides. :) but mmmm. turrrrrrrrrrkey.

[tainted angel] [p] 5/19/2005 9:43:44 PM

let me tell you something. gay, not gay, purple, maroon, green... who gives a shit? who? not god. know why? because. you were made in his likeness. -hugs-

[tainted angel] 5/19/2005 9:48:17 PM

wow.... you're hot :D

It's too late to read... be back later. [.Chicken.] 5/20/2005 1:35:22 AM

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Last updated May 09, 2014