Saturn Day in Current Events

After my shift on Friday, I headed to my sisters to have a sleepover with my niece and nephew. I’ve been spending a lot of time with those kids. We didn’t hang out like this while I lived there, this way is a lot better. When they gave me two weeks’ notice to leave I could have held a grudge and we could have been on non-speaking terms right now but I didn’t want to carry any anger around. I didn’t want distance between Madalyn and Vincent, my niece and nephew. My sister, Melissa, is grateful that we are still on good terms. Everything just fell into place. My mother let me stay with her rent-free for a month while Toni and I hunted for an apartment. We found the perfect one. I was just starting a new job and then had to find a place, it was heavy but I didn’t buckle. My car payments finished, my phone bill was reduced also and it was just weird timing how it all fell into place so easily. I’m part-time at work but I have been working full-time which is helping me clear some personal debts and get things for this apartment. I try not to think about it, how it all fell into place because I don’ want to jinx the blessings.

Yesterday morning when I woke up I detailed my car and my sister’s car. Then I went for a run down those dirt roads because I was feeling nostalgic. I love that area. I went to the park in the area that has a Crossfit gym in the middle of it. The park was closed but I figured I would get to be alone. There were people working on the park, the baseball diamonds, and such. I didn’t want any tan lines so I didn’t wear a shirt. Something I am deeply uncomfortable doing. Didn’t save me from tan lines apparently. I hate having tan lines so much. First-world problems I suppose. I am useless with the Crossfit situation but I tried anyway. I can’t do pull-ups so I just did some progressive movements and I am dying today. I continued to do a back workout when I got home. Barely. I had to push through it, being in the sun all day did a number on me. I am worried I will still be this sore tomorrow at work. I can barely get my arms above my head right now. I tried to tan while I was there and somewhat alone but I heard a pup in the woods behind me and left. Coyotes are a problem right now.

I don’t have any basic tools and I should correct that. I have things I want to do around the apartment and I keep needing to borrow tools. I should just buy my own already. I was thinking about getting some power tools from my work yesterday while I was making my supper and laughed because the only “power tools” I own are for the kitchen. I have a pull-up bar situation I want to install here. I had my fitness journey on hold for a bit and now I’m back at it.

Miranda, my other sister, her boyfriend made the news in their city. We recently discovered that he has been scamming people in that area selling things on Kijiji and Craigslist. Convincing people to pay upfront for products he doesn’t have so he can fund his meth addiction. I hate addicts. If you can’t hate what threatens what you love you can’t claim to love it I say. These people ruin everything and just blame the drugs because they are always the victim in the situation. I turned into my mother and became inclined to try and help people like this but I wised up. My mother shares their weak concept of personal responsibility. She believes it is drugs ruining people’s lives. It’s people ruining people’s lives. It’s people who shoot people, it’s people who are corrupt and not money, and so on and so forth. Right down to people with poor health who earned it by being irresponsible. As in they didn’t embrace their ability to respond. I don’t make feeling sorry for people who earned their karma my default setting. If it makes them offended and insecure good. They need to grow up and if they’re trying to numb out all their growing pains things will never get better. They need some resistance, some friction. I refuse to be an enabler. After Beaudry passed away I tapped out of that savior complex I had. I was thinking about Bueadry yesterday because Amazon bought MGM and Stargate is going to be their first product. I am excited, he would have been excited. They will have a proper budget finally. I hope they stream it in the gulag I will be in.

I want him out of our lives, Justin, Miranda’s boyfriend. He almost died a few years ago and I had those dark thoughts about it. About how we could be released from this burden. When he spirals down he tries to take us all with him. He’s a pathological narcissist, he is deeply codependent and my family is very empathic and so troubled people are always drawn to us. He is actually now a sociopath because of the addiction that he earned. Codependent people in general I keep away from me. Like, people who can’t be single for five minutes can just go fuck themselves. Get some introspection, you big babies. I’m tired of pretending that it is not okay to not care about irresponsible people. Anyway, there is a Facebook group with a few hundred people looking for my sister’s boyfriend. That’s how we discovered what he is doing. He finally got caught. He stole a bike, tried to sell it but it was to the people he stole it from. They confronted him, obviously, so he beat them with a police baton. He claims self-defense of course. He was arrested, I hope the judge presses charges. This fucktard is very skilled at getting people to feel sorry for him. It doesn’t work on me and that is why he hates me. Fucking loser. My sister is on holiday and is going to think about what she wants to do in response to this. I hope she leaves him. She won’t. He has her brainwashed in that abusive relationship, he won’t let her go. He needs his supply.

Toni offered up our couch, I haven’t said anything to my sister but Toni and I are both worried this boyfriend will turn up here. My sister is powerless when it comes to him. Once some time has passed by she will be an idiot and think it will be okay to connect with him again, he will talk her into working things out. I don’t feel that sorry for her either because she is still making the choices but I love her and she will not have her best life with that pitiful man.

Anyway, I’m just trying to kill time while I wait for Toni to go to work. I only get one day free from her. I’m not cut out to be around people all of the time. I’m just not. I wrote an entry about my pet peeves with her and that list keeps growing. She is turning into a little addict right in front of me. She was seeing a therapist and her therapist called her out on self-medicating. She wore that as a badge of honor or something. It made her feel special? She is no longer seeing that therapist but is still self-medicating. She just went for a walk to smoke some pot. Then she is going to go to work. She is one of those people who believe that weed makes her a better person. It really doesn’t. She makes so many tiny mistakes here in the house I can’t imagine what risks she puts herself in at work. Potheads think it is part of their charm to be feeble. Blah. She also drinks wine like it is kool-aid. I used to do that so I get it. I am rooting for her but she is absolutely too good to do anything about it. She needs to expand inward and discover that content is king but context is god. It’s not the content in her life that is making her miserable it is the context. She wants everything in her life to change to make her feel better but that is an inside job.

Anyway, I am finally planting some stuff for my balcony. Just herbs I eat. I’m installing a showerhead. One with a hose because I’m tall and these things are just much better. Like, I don’t fit in the tub to soak in a bath so I need some luxury somehow. I am going to go through a bunch of other stuff that I hate doing because my anxiety is getting high and I know it is because I am avoiding things I hate doing. One of the things I need to do is talk to Toni about finances. I have taken on the bulk of it. I buy 90% of the food and household products and she smokes up and then eats it all. Okay, not all of it and she especially doesn’t eat the household products. My situation is that my cupboards are all ingredients and one has to actually cook. She is an adult and she doesn’t know how to cook. Everything she buys for herself is premade. She doesn’t do more than heat things up. When she gets high she starts eating all my nuts and all snacks in the house. The nuts are expensive, I cook with them. I barely get to touch the snacks before they disappear. I bought six bags of chips because they were on sale. She opened all of them in a few days and ate about half of them. I just wanted them available for when I feel snackish. She eats my meal prep which was fine back when we were splitting the grocey bills 50/50. She was drunk and high and made the decision that we stop doing that. I keep fresh fruit in stock also and she tears through that one and doesn’t ever top it up. I feel like I’m living with a teenager. Codependent people are basically children. It’s not a big deal, I just need to try and add self-awareness to someone who is very committed to their narcissim. That always goes well. Blah, whatever.