Stuck in Journal

On a thought, a realization.
I remember the moment that I realized that my mom was never going to be capable of seeing me as a person. That moment when she screamed at me that I had no feelings. Her face contorted, vicious. I had wanted to talk about how I felt, and that’s how I started the conversation. Before, I would have been cowed. I would have been devastated into a shame spiral by being shouted at by my mother. Instead, I was shocked. I was surprised and awed at her bare naked lack of disguise for her hatred of me.
Now, I realize the same thing about my husband. He doesn’t want me. He didn’t want me 2 years ago and said as much. Except he said it in such a manner that placed the blame on me. He was doing what my mother was doing, just less viciously, so it wasn’t as obvious. And, I don’t claim to have realized it at any point except a quiet moment in the night, yesterday.
“I said yes because I thought you were trying to get rid of me.” he told me.
At the time, it struck me as stunningly odd that anyone would want to hang around someone they thought didn’t want them. If you thought I was trying to get rid of you, why he hell would you say yes? I asked, in my mind. I did ask that later, and he said he didn’t know.
But… it is obvious, isn’t it? In retrospect, I was committed to “making it work” and so I never wanted to acknowledge that he didn’t want it to work. He said he wanted it to work. So there was my proof, right?
I want to go back in time 2 years and scream at myself to RUN AWAY. Just RUN. And don’t look back.
But, it’s too late for that.
I’ve wasted so much time. I wonder why I wasted all my time? I wonder why I would waste my life?
Well. I know, kind of. Someone hates me. Someone who hates me so much they would have me suffer and be miserable long after they’re dead. Long after they have any power over me.