20 - 09.05.14 in Your Face

I am not at work today, I am getting picked up in an hour or so to go to the airport, then off to Townsville for a wedding. Which means .... Only twenty days of work left.

And of course, I don't really feel like going. Too late now, though. Bag is packed, tickets are non-refundable.

I'm sure it will be fun, I just prefer to spend my time alone.

My heart feels heavy. It's an effort to carry it around in my chest, while it threatens to fall out of my body like a stone tearing through the bottom of a wet paper bag.

I feel like the friend that M lives with in Santa Fe is avoiding me. I don't know what to think about that. Perhaps it's because this friend had said to me that I'd be there by May at the latest. Perhaps it's because he's tired of trying to convince M to talk to me, while I list all the times I've contacted M and been ignored. Perhaps the friend just has better things to do with his time that chat online with me. I am mildly offended that he was happy to keep me awake all night wanting to chat when he got arrested, busted up with his girlfriend, kicked her out of the house etc and really needed a sympathetic ear, but has no time for me now. At the same time, I am aware that I am a whingeing sad sack these days. If I don't even want to spend time with me, why would anyone else?

So, instead of over thinking it, I'll just push it to the side.

The useless secretary at work is telling more fibs than usual. She tends to tell little fibs because she seems to think she's going to get in trouble if she hasn't done something she was asked to do. That's not the case, and she ought to realise that by now - if you are asked, "Oh, so have you done such and such?" and you haven't done it, you just say, "No, (I forgot/I didn't get a chance/I was going to do it after lunch). I'll go do it now." It's never a big deal, just be honest about it. They realise that things crop up unexpectedly, that you have several people feeding you work.

Anyway. The latest lie was that she was still at work until 6:45pm. She wasn't. She was scheduled to finish at 5:30pm, and had left before my friend left, and she left at 5:45pm. It's so weird. And who cares? Everyone stays late here and there, no one gives a shit if you stay behind, and no one forces you to stay, either. I think she is setting a scene where she appears to be so over worked, she has to stay back and work over time, so that when she wants to ask someone to do a job she doesn't want to do, they are happy to help out, thinking she's over-worked.

Bitch is going to drown, guys.

I shouldn't say bitch. I find her a bit sneaky, and I am very distrustful because of the fibs, and the fact that she often has no understanding of what is going on, so I have no idea what she's whispering to other staff members about me (she often sidles out and whispers about a few of the other secretaries to me, which most of us do, we need to blow off steam when we work so closely together). Overall, however, she is caring and sweet, and does try to be a good person, so she deserves credit for that.

Bought another can of baked beans today for my food stash. Baked beans and bacon. Lucky me. I have about 15 meals set aside in cans and packages. So much processed rubbish. But it's cheap. Between $1 and $2.99 for the meals, which I will supplement with bread (probably cheap ass white bread loaves) and fresh vegetables, depending on what is on sale. I am lucky that I adore chicken soup, and will use one tiny little thigh for a whole pot of soup. I only really want the chicken taste, not the meat so much. I wish I knew how long I will be sitting around this house for.

Just take it one day at a time. Even writing the above paragraph started those horrible anxiety butterflies hurtling around my stomach at 100 miles an hour. I think I need to go to the bathroom.