Annoyed in Journal

  • June 8, 2021, 6:25 p.m.
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  • Public

I get annoyed when I make a case, and he continues on as if i never said anything.
And i say… look. You can either respond to what i just said or disagree. But don’t pretend that I didn’t say anything.
DH likes to quip in these little excuses. “I’m caught in a situation”, “if I don’t do this now..” and i say, but you’ve created this situation. No one could have prevented this except you. This is all you. “
And he’ll sigh like it’s some big pain in his ass that I’m pointing out basic facts. “I guess..”
Well, no. Don’t guess. I tell him firmly. Tell me what you think. Don’t just fog out.
More sighing. “You’re right..” he drones quietly.
If I were one to take things personally, I would never be able to stand it. Even now i can’t stand it. My Pride can’t stand it.
It’s disgusting. There is nothing respectable about his behavior. He is dishonest. Has no integrity. No passion. No drive. He is always exhausted. Never has anything to say.
Well, that is until today. Yesterday, i basically had to lay it out. And i think he knew that i finally meant it. I think me sensed that finally, enough weight had shifted behind my integrity that consequence have simply become unavoidable - like physics. Integrity is sort of easy, once the ball is rolling. It’s difficult… really really difficult to get it rolling. There is so much in the way, so much pain. But once it’s going, is like… welp, day 1659 of no fast food, wanna big mac? It’s like.. no. Not even just no, but hell no times three thousand, and get away from me, devil woman of disgusting temptation. I don’t even care to associate with anyone who tries to tempt my integrity. It’s simply worth far too much to me. More than almost anything else.
And, integrity to rationality is even easier. Because, i don’t have to appease or pretend, or any kind of stupid shit. I just do a logical calculation. What is right? What is virtuous? What upholds these values? And then I do that. Until I find a more rational alternative - and the trick really is to not be wedded to any outcome. But to constantly and consistently seek to become more rational, more honest, and more virtuous.


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