This needs to be the last conversation that looks like this in Second 1st

I hate that when I’m emotional I cry. Doesn’t matter what emotion. .... We were having a conversation about what we needed in order to finish fixing the table. David pegged and glued together the broken piece when they were up Memorial day. I’d been worried what my dad would say about the table being broken but honestly he didn’t seem bothered. David also looked at the lawn mower.... he’s going to help get it fixed I guess.

I digress.... I have no idea what triggered the conversation.... something about 99 cents for some washers and me saying we needed to wait till next week because we were very low.....

Mind you there is 193 in the house account right now .99 is not going to break us.... that’s a silly notion.... but it’s the idea that he’s not bringing anything in and I usually pay a $200 bill this week that’s got to hold till next week because there just isn’t enough.... and that lead to....

I asked him about taking the emergency anxiety medicine. If he’d had a bad attack since the Dr..... he said he had and it worked in about 15 mins, no inhaler..... “When? When did that happen because we’d talked about seeing about a preventative for the anxiety. If it happened sometime during the week it should have been after about 30 mins you called the DR who prescribed it for an appointment.” So now he’s calling the PCP today for an appointment to talk about preventative anxiety meds.....which lead to

“I love you but I don’t even know me right now. I shouldn’t have to tell you to do something like that. The me before you would never put up with it. I’m seriously falling apart in front of you and you are just here. When you’d hurt your back you were still moving forward. You had therapies and talking to the lawyer. I knew it would get better and now, now I don’t see that. All I see is more of the same, wait 3 months for a DR appointment when you should be calling everyday for an opening in the schedule. I hope you’ve seriously learned a lesson about FMLA and work when I was out for 10 months I was still contributing. I set you up to help list things and there are still a few things to be listed and you just don’t. You just don’t do anything. It’s not like no one has ever worked with asthma or anxiety and honestly it just makes me look dumb now. I don’t have the energy to be angry about you sleeping till 11 when I am home and claiming you get up at 9 when I’m not home. I know there is no way you’d get up as early as I do but there is no reason to lie. I have no energy to get angry about the fact that you are home all the time but recently I’ve had to do dishes on the weekends and make dinner if I’m home. I should be. I should be so angry that you find yourself alone. I would have never stood from this with my ex husband. I don’t know why I’m taking it from you. I honestly was starting to feel better. Less stressed till the A/C went out and now there is another $150 to pay out. I think I can do it. If I spend every moment I’m home working on MTurk but I shouldn’t have to, not when you could work even a part time 20hr a week job to pay for it. I don’t know how we are going to get it paid in the 18 months we have because that’s 300 something a month and there is no way I can do that. I’m doing it all alone. I can’t, I just can’t. I still get dizzy, I still get bad migraines. The more stress, the more I do, the worse it is and here I am trying to do it all and you just don’t hear me. I’m breaking and once I’m done there will be no going back Rocky. I don’t even have people I can talk to right now because none of them understand why I don’t just leave. Give you some time to think about how things would be on your own. I honestly think that the meds I’m on to help prevent migraines is really helping with mood too because honestly I’ve been too down to even talk about this stuff. Just do it, do all the things because I’m the only one who can, but I’m not. I shouldn’t be the only one working here. I know it’s not the same but you wouldn’t have a girlfriend who didn’t work, you shouldn’t expect me to keep a husband who won’t.

I said all this, no yelling, talking calmly but unfortunately with tears. In the end he was talking about applying for a part time at Wal-Mart and of course calling the DR today. I just know he’ll get a part time and be fine.... discover limits and whatnot then move to fulltime or just take on more hours. Him working will have me less upset about doing little things around the house and contribute to paying the A/C off before the deadline.

I went to bed with a huge headache having taken all the migraine meds I could take for 24 hr....

This morning my ear is loud.... it will get worse at work.... always does....

The FMLA had ran out the week before last.... I went through a series of emails and phone calls to get it renewed and got a letter in the mail saying I was good till November. I hate that it’s Monday.... I can’t afford to call out twice in a week and it’s just risky that way.

If I stay home I can enforce what he said he’d do.... but unless I do he won’t?.... I mean he might.... I hate these debates.... if he was working I’d just stay home today.... the FMLA reads “twice in a week for a duration of 2 days each” translating to 4 days.... and I only work 4 days… so I rally can take off when I need to. I’m not looking forward to full grown migraine today and I’m so tired.....

I shouldn’t have said anything. The only reason my ear is so loud this morning is because of what I said and the damn crying.