A chance. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I've known manic depressive people, and their manic phases always felt FAR more energetic than this. That's why I don't think it's that, just pervading depression. No matter what mood I'm in, once I start a task, I don't stop until I'm finished. That's part of why it takes so much effort to do things. Because I KNOW it's a full-on time sync. My best moods are when I don't feel the passage of time or just don't "care". I "want" to do the task, therefore it doesn't "feel" like effort. I started cleaning the kitchen counter, and once I got started, I felt good about cleaning, therefore was motivated to keep going until I was finished. Same with reorganizing my dresser and putting ALL my clothes away, clearing space by hanging more stuff up.

But I know so well how I feel "most" of the time. I stare at the mess, the clutter, and I can't, I just can't. I know how much work it is. Dishes are best tackled by cleaning as I go - I always wash pots after I use them, or they'll sit in the sink for up to a month. "Soaking" means "some unknown day in the future."

Perhaps more than depression, it's the anxiety that gets to me. Sometimes I get home, and I feel crippled because I feel compelled to relax but just CAN'T. If I'm on top of my game, I recognize that I WILL feel better if I take care of a task or two, take care of ME, and THEN things will let me feel "relaxed".

I'm glad I've been making a lot of food for the week lately. Fantastically tasty food. Having leftovers like that, no matter how much other food I have, makes me feel less anxious. Put in microwave for two minutes, stir and set for thirty more seconds, pee and come back, bam, food in under three minutes. Maslow, man, food's important. ; )

Highly contemplating creating a "Cooking With Timmy" section on here. It's a LOT of upfront work at times, it feels, but the payoff for homemade food is MASSIVE. I feel a fuck-ton of pride, and again, having food makes me less anxious.

It pisses me off that the weather effects my mood. It's obvious I need to start looking at weather forecasts and "prepare" myself for the inevitable downturn in mood, and perhaps "protect" myself from obvious anxiety triggers so that I can spend overly rainy days just kind of vegetating and curled up in a ball. And it's okay to need to do nothing. But I gotta make sure I give myself the opportunity to do nothing.

What did I say once a decade ago? I have to give myself the best chance to succeed.