Reflections in Journal

What do you do when your needs are met?
What kind of pursuits would you have if you didn’t need anything at all?
I think that I am beginning to see the glimmers of an answer in my son. His answer (so far) is be happy. Learn, explore, let no one and nothing stop your curiosity. Bring humor, seek connection, and enjoy everything fully.
I still don’t know what the answer is for me. My entire life has been a reaction to my needs going unmet. I still don’t feel secure, fulfilled, nurtured, or loved. It is a long process, and I am certainly much farther ahead than where I was even a few months ago.
I wonder, a lot, about how I would have been if I had not been broken down so badly. How would I be, who would I be, if my parents had not focused so much on dominating my personality, my experience, my expression?

My son is grieving, I think, the loss of his free access to the boobin’. He’s been exclusively breastfed since birth, with foods added in at 6mo. Now, at 15mo, his main source of calories and nutrition is food, but he still loves nursing. The pragmatic problem is.. I’m old. I am tired. Breastfeeding has been the single most physically challenging thing I’ve ever done, and that is saying quite a bit.
I regret that my son is suffering this grief because I had him at an older age. That is entirely my fault, and my regret. His grief touches me. It pulls at my deepest heart.
And, there also is a flash of anger! A flash of resentment that I never had even a small percentage of what he now enjoys fully. This angry part of me is trying to protect me from giving too much. Giving away too much of myself will not help my son- in fact it may do far more harm than simply neglecting his needs altogether.
Parenting is hard.
I also know that he would suffer this grief whether or not we wean now, or later. That practical part wants to dismiss my feelings of guilt.

The guilt is real, though… maybe a little less warranted than what I am describing. But it is real.