Sprint in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

Now to write something a bit more straightforward.

Where did I leave off?

Well, I realized about a week ago that my behavior over the last several months exhibits signs of depression. Now, it took me a bit of time to wrap my head around what that phrase means because I've never been someone who allows slumps like this to happen. I'm just really unhappy with my life right now.

I don't loathe Southern California, I'm just tired of being here for as long as I have. I always moved around every year or so and being stuck here is difficult. Furthermore, I realized that my tendency to move around left me without any truly grounded friendships other than the ones forged in my youth. If I'm being honest, I don't know how to be someone's friend. I see now that the reason my friendships with Kendra and Lindsey failed, not necessarily because of the reasons they stated, but simply because our friendship had passed its expiration date. My life has always moved and constantly evolved so that things I had in common with people were always temporary intersections of our lives. Once those intersections became a matter of record and were no longer part of my daily life, it wasn't unusual for me to begin anew with a different set of people. I tried to hold on to Kendra and Lindsey for too long and that ended in bitterness and resentment on both sides.

I'm coming to the end of my second year at my university and that means the second year of being around the same people and having the same things in common with them. I see that I was getting restless because shortly after I completed the video project about which I'd spoken in a previous entry, Spring break came and I went absolutely insane. I traveled through every part of my region and met new people and spent much of that time hanging out with a whole new crowd. Results were mixed.

The problem is that I don't really like any of the people that I'm surrounded by at school, and the people I do like and friends I have made are in a different sphere than the one in which I currently find myself. David and Mykel work hard and live their lives as a couple in a way that I'm not really used to seeing. On one hand, part of my mind thinks it's good to see a complex adult relationship happen between two people that are my age. I've never seen it close-up. I really adore them, but I feel like there's some kind of barrier in the way, and I'm not sure if it's mine or theirs but I know it is there.

I've missed so many classes. I don't leave my room for days and I hardly eat anymore. I was bragging about my weight-loss for a moment because I was laughing that I was the same weight and waist-size that I was during my freshmen year of high school. A friend shrewdly pointed out that I was about six inches shorter in 1999 and perhaps it's not healthy for me to be as thin as I am. I checked and I'm teetering awfully close to the low-end of my BMI.

The straw that I'm clinging to is the fact that I finally see an end-point. I kind of jumped into this whole "attend university" thing without really knowing when it would end. However, I finally know that I will officially be done in March 2015. Far too long for my taste, but usually I work well when I know there is a finish-line for me to run toward. I know I should savor this whole college experience, but it's really been a nightmare.

Going back to school is a little bit like volunteering to spend three years in a prison. Especially if you're like me and have already been to prison... it's an accurate comparison, trust me.

By the way, I know some people were wondering whatever happened with the project video. If you'd like to see it, just leave a note and I'll paste the link in a private note on your page. I was discussing the video with Edgar just the other day and I realized that a lot of subconscious issues were embedded in that video. Looking at it now, nearly a month or two after completing it, I see how this project video is much bigger and says a lot more than I had intended.