Vent in Current Events

I predicted this would happen with Toni, she is making her depression my problem. She called me yesterday when I was at work. She was having a panic attack and she wanted me to calm her down and come home. Like, no. I wanted to finish my shift. It bothered me and distracted me at work that I made a huge mistake that took three of us to correct. We had to stay later than our scheduled shifts. I called Bev on my way home to vent. I didn’t sign up for this. I didn’t want to go home and try and pacify a grown woman but that’s exactly what happened. My entire evening was talking all about her and her issues.

The job she gave us living together was to create space from Bob, her fuckboy friend that she is FWB with. She developed feelings for him. She naturally invited him over the other day. He wanted his key back and that devastated her. She made him come and get it, I’m not bothered that he came over I was just confused because this was supposed to be a Bob-free zone. He needs to move on also, he wants to build a relationship with somebody else. He shouldn’t have to be burdened with Toni either. She can’t see how selfish she is being. Yesterday, her crazy ass called him to “talk about it.” To talk about her feeling for him. How hurt she is. She picked a fight, naturally. Like, he’s not going to give you closure. He is not going to give you answers. He doesn’t owe you anything.

This morning we are supposed to go get groceries but she decided to lock herself in her room to continue feeling sorry for herself. She is going to continue to blame Bob for that choice. Blame the world. No, wait, her psychologist gave her a new excuse for everything. Diagnosed her with ADHD.

I need to vet people that I let into my life. If I get a whiff of codependency I keep them out, at a distance at the very least. People who can’t get SELF-esteem, SELF-respect, SELF-love or SELF anything need to stay the fuck away from me. Fucking creeps, fucking soul-sucking creeps. I have no self-worth on my own I need people to like me and love me because I’m a fucking child. I’ve been burned by these people too many times. Fucking narcissism, gag! These are children, they’re broken, damaged little boys and girls who externalize all of their needs. If you’re in your mid thirties and haven’t gotten over yourself then what the fuck? What the actual fuck? Some of the happiest people in the world own nothing! Have been through worst!

Ok, I sound cruel. I have self-awareness, I just need to vent. I care about Toni so I’m still trying to help. I’m being honest and not letting her play the victim. She can’t seem to function as a person until she is high. Then we can’t even have a conversation so far without her getting drunk first. Like, it’s just a fucking breakup. The world has real problems and this is the most important thing in the world? Fuck no.

Do you know what grinds my gears? This bullshit idea that we have to walk on eggshells around everybody because “we don’t know who is going through something.” We’re all going through bullshit. I don’t want feeling sorry for people to be my default setting. I’m not responsible for anyone else.

My empathy is just a tool. It used to be a curse but now it’s just something that gives me an innerstanding. It doesn’t mean that I have to go fix everybody’s problems anymore. Inspiring others to expand inward and inner engineer is how I’m using it going forward. We are all co-creators, not everybody failing at life is a victim. They make bad choices because they have weak characters and have no shame about it and I refuse to feel sorry for everybody. SELF-pity, not WE-pity. The world doesn’t owe us anything! Let’s stop this take of each other bullshit and normalize SELF-care.

Last updated May 08, 2021