April 28 to May 4th in 2014

Monday I have no clear recollection of. However, I did start low carb dieting. So, we'll see how that goes. I ate some delicious bacon, and that's always welcome.

Tuesday I went out and played laser tag. Tom, Matt, Sean, Dean, and I showed up. Nobody else. However, it was fine because there were a surprisingly large number of people already there. The team I was on won all three games, which was a good feeling. Sadly, by the forth game, I was being specifically targeted because I'd come in first (or first behind the staff players) on the previous three games. Much less fun that way.

Wednesday is another day where I have no memory of what I did. Again, I have almost no money, so I don't leave the house very much. Everything just blends together. Running errands for mum, playing music, talking to Courtney, going for walks. It's fairly dull, but it's also a lot of what I need right now. I feel much healthier than I've felt in years.

Ditto for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Except for a weird dream I had on Saturday night which I told to Courtney: (Taken directly from my Skype description to her) I had a dream that I was walking along Telegraph road to the old Starlight. I was me, but I was also me from years ago. Rachael was there. She was rejecting me again and again. She was talking about some story where it was so sweet and moving that people chose not to have sex. She said how we could be like them. I said that wasn't fair because it was entirely her choice. I was whiningly chasing after her. But I was also watching/seeing it. And I (the observer) was thinking how hard I (the actor/participant/etc.) sucked and how at the first sign of her crap I should have just gone off with another girl. As we were walking by the Arby's (which I believe was on the wrong side of the road) young teenagers kept crowding around me. I knew they wanted to pick my pocket. Apparently they'd tried before. I was well aware. And I knew what they were doing, and they knew that I knew. Eventually, somehow, as if by magic (because my hand was clasping my pocket shut and it was already zipped) they got it out and started taunting me. Somehow I was able to round them up, but they wouldn't confess. I tried beating them. Useless. So, somehow, I threw up on them. And they started throwing up. All over each other and me. And I kept making them throw up, while also throwing up, and beating them. And they gave me some of the stuff out of my wallet. But only to taunt me because I couldn't see who had it. And we were puking all over each other, and it was miserable. There was one kid, and i didn't know who he was, but I heard him talk, and I could FEEL him somehow. The others were breaking. He wouldn't and they drew their strength from him. And he was taunting me. Only rarely with words. But I could feel it.

As for Sunday:

Sunday morning, dad and I went to an Arabic breakfast brunch in the city. It was amazing. It was also nice because dad and I are getting really close. I think he's happy to have somebody to talk to. He also invited one of his work buddies. I felt happy. He didn't seem to be too embarrassed by me. I also realized that dad flirts with waitresses the way I tease the teenagers that I deal with. I'm finding more similarities between dad and me. I kind of like it. Then, we came back home and, while doing so, picked up Ivan, the Mexican au pair who lives on our street. He was meeting us with his Korean student friend whose name I can't pronounce or hope to spell. Well, I can pronounce it. Sort of. But I've since forgotten. Anyway, the four of us drove to The Henry Ford, which was really enjoyable. Dad bought year passes, so I'll be sure to head up there more often in the next few months. Well, after buying the pass, dad went back to work and I was left to show Ivan and <name> around. We had fun. For the last hour we went to Greenfield Village, which I've always enjoyed a lot more. They enjoyed that too, but Ivan was getting hungry. So, we went to Mexican Village. He was craving real Mexican food, and <name> had never had any. Good times were had by all. It was the 4th, so things were starting to gear up, but they hadn't gone crazy yet. There were some weirdos getting stoned in the parking lot. One in a sombrero, one with an opened luchador mask. They tried speaking Spanish to Ivan, who thought they did it because he was Mexican. I pointed out that I don't think they were speaking to him generally, they were just high and yelling out random Spanish. Oh pot smoking hippies, you amuse me. After that I drove them around by the river, to the GM headquarters, then up Woodward. They were impressed by a lot of the sights and were amazed how when you cross one street, the whole world can change. We went as far as Royal Oak where I got them frozen custard. They loved it. I tried to take them to Classic Books, but it had been closed for two hours by the time we got there. Then, I took Ivan back to my house, <name> went back to her house, and Ivan, mum, and I just talked on the couch until ten. He'd mentioned that he hadn't had a drink in months, and I have a bunch of Sam Adams I bought before my diet and (obviously) haven't been able to touch since. Well, seeing as it was the skip day (and how) for the diet, we both enjoyed a beer. Well, ten came around, and I got tired. I told him he could stay the night if he wanted (something mum's offered too), but he declined. So, I drove him back to his place, said hi to his host family (just the dad, because he happened to be outside). Then I came home and, shortly thereafter, went to bed.

Sleep's been better this week than it's been in ages. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the fact that I'm relaxed? Or relaxing? Maybe I'm not depressed. I'm certainly healthier. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that I finally feel I'm moving towards something instead of away from it? I don't know. Another thing that's been lovely has been reconnecting with Kat. It started sometime shortly after I came back, but this week it's been something that I've really been looking forward to. It's nice to have a conversation to look forward to, and a person worth talking to to be there from time to time. Well, I've got Courtney, but it's nice that I've now got too people. Hooray for that! I want the three of us to go on a wild adventure. But we're old now. I hate being old.

As much as I get lonely sometimes and as much as, though I hate to admit it, I sometimes do wonder about a family or kids, when I see my married friends, I'm just so happy that I'm not married. And I think that's where the disconnect comes from. There's some Platonic ideal of /marriage and family/ that seems perfect out there. But when I look at the actual real examples of it? I can't say it's anything I'd like to sign up for. Can't imagine why anybody would, to be honest. Well, for the extremely religious I suppose there's a perk. For anybody else? Why bother.

I keep quoting "Frei aber einsam" to people. However, I can't imagine that being married would really alter the einsam terribly much one way or the other. Courtney said something that I really like regarding me getting married: "I guess I'm biased, but to me it would be having to keep your attention. I can't imagine you being with someone and not growing bored with them, and I feel like she'd have to be aware of that. I don't think you'd wander once you made a vow, but you might be sad or want to, and I think she'd know that and it would make her sad."

Lots of thoughts in this department these days, but I must away. Time to take a walk. I'm going to try not to eat anything today because I ate WAY too much yesterday. I realize this isn't necessarily a healthy choice, and I understand that. It's not something I intend on repeating very often, but I feel so gross after so much food yesterday that I honestly think this is my best bet. System just feels overloaded.