Oof. in Like No One Is Reading

So much anxiety today. Supposed to start a new job in about 3 hours and I have zero spoons.

But, I went to bed super early (for me, anyway) last night and woke up early this morning and told myself, “I am a character who makes coffee, has a shower, and eats breakfast,” and I did those things. I don’t feel any kind of way about doing them, really. Going through motions I’m “supposed” to go through does not grant me very much dopamine. But, telling someone about it and having them say, “You’re awesome!” sure does. At least I am fortunate enough to have someone in my life who seems to be an almost-infinite source of dopamine.

Being in love = dopamine
Having that love reciprocated = even more dopamine
Completing tasks = a little dopamine
Having my struggle at completing tasks recognized = more than a little dopamine
Eating all the chocolate = dopamine extravaganza
Starting a new job = tries to kill all the dopamine

There’s some balance to be found here, I’m sure.

My life is more good than bad.
I am happier than I am sad.

While both of those statements are true, it can often be a struggle to remember either of them. It’s all relative and subjective, eh? Sometimes the bad is so bad that the sad feels so much bigger than the happy. And sometimes my brain can turn happy to sad in an instant with statements like, “Sure, you’re happy now, but it won’t last, never does.” Like it has to constantly remind me not to get too comfortable and so I can never get comfortable at all.

I think I’m gonna smoke a joint and eat a weed gummy and breathe a lot and go to this new job and be really up-front with them. The pandemic has devastated a me who was already pretty not-okay. I don’t know how to reintegrate into society. I don’t know if I’m going to break down crying or not, like… ever. I just randomly cry. I used to feel a lot more tough than I do now, like I could handle a lot more workplace horseshit than I’m going to be capable of going forward. I have put up with so much shit! And businesses are desperate for employees, right? I know they are around here, anyway. Maybe this one will be kind and accommodating because they need employees, right? I have no hope for this. I think that’s what all of this is. I have lost all hope in potential employers. I’m fairly convinced that every single business owner is just a capitalist piece of shit who doesn’t view their employees as human beings.

I wish I had the executive function to do something different with my life. I wish I didn’t need to prop up capitalism by being one of the cogs in the machine. I wish I had more value than a cog in a machine. I mean, I know I have value… I just wish other people, business owning people, could see the value in their employees beyond the dollars those employees make for them.

(sigh)

I don’t wanna.