So It's Basically Been a Month in 2014

I guess the biggest thing to acknowledge would be my kids. Ian is doing so well with the potty. I really wish we were accident free at this point, but we are diaper free, even in public, and he is more than willing to use the potty at stores and restaurants which I think is fantastic! I had my wisdom teeth removed last week (I'll get to that) and my friend Danielle watched him the day of surgery, and he had his first accident in a week while at her house. I was afraid it would happen, but also expected it. Unfortunately it was a poop accident and I felt terrible that she had to clean that up. And since then I feel like we have regressed a little because there has been accidents almost everyday. Though, there has been a major change in Ian's life that was not prepared for.

And with that being said, I am also no longer nursing Ian. Originally, my goals for Summer for Ian were to get him potty trained and hopefully build enough confidence in himself to get him back sleeping in his bed. I was not going to attempt this until I no longer had to get up early in the morning with Salem. I really messed things up when I started working. I was too tired at night to really put forth the effort to get him to sleep, plus I missed him so much while I was gone, I needed cuddle time with him at night. Anyway, after accomplishing the bed, I wanted to finally wean him. I have been ready for some time now, but wanted to take our time and make sure that he wasn't emotionally hurt by me, and to also take the time to prepare myself for it. I remember every exact detail of the last time I nursed Salem, and I cherish that memory. I wanted the same with Ian. I can barely remember it and it was only a week ago. Basically I had no plan to get my wisdom teeth pulled, but with anesthesia, my general discomfort, and the meds I was on, I decided that when I was forced to not nurse him, I wouldn't go back to it after a week, that this would be it. I really do believe it's why he's had a regression in terms of the potty. It's been a few days since he has asked to nurse and so at this point I really do think he's ok, but I do feel a disconnection from him, and it hurts me. I may be grieving over it more than he is at this point. As far as the potty goes though, he is getting really insistent about going at it himself, and he is showing interest in not only undressing himself, but also putting clothes on himself. I think next week we will start sleeping in his own bed again, granted that I am feeling better and up to the battle every night.

Salem is free for the Summer! Her last day of school was on Friday. She got her final report card of the year, and it was Straight A's. I don't know if I shared, but all of her report cards this school year were that way, except for her third one, she had one B. We were no way upset with her, and were still very proud that in the second half of the school year, she was still doing so well. But she told us that she was going to try her very best to turn that B into an A by the end of the school year. And she did. The grade was an 89, and she raised it to a 97! She was extremely proud of herself, and so were we. She got a Spelling Award and a free ticket to Six Flags. We are hoping to use that in a couple of weekends. The church is doing a group trip to the park, and it will save us money not having to pay for Salem to get in.

She is also doing really well with her chores. Scott changed the idea that I had pretty much and made it his own, but nonetheless, she is doing them and learning responsibility like I wanted her to. I also told her that over the Summer that in addition to her chores, before she could go out and play she needed to read everyday, and write me a journal entry so she could keep in practice her punctuation and spelling. I didn't have her start until after Memorial Day, so we are only 2 days in, or 3 if you count this morning, and she is doing really well. I took the kids to the library on Tuesday afternoon and they each got three books. Salem has already finished two of them, and they are chapter books. I think we will be taking another trip over there tomorrow. We checked out the community pool over the weekend, and I really want to do Swim lessons for both of the kids, but Salem really needs it. She wants to badly to be able to go swim with friends, and she just doesn't know how and isn't confident enough in herself. She also had her first sleep over of the Summer with 5 friends! Not at my house thank God, but she had so much fun. I hope she has plenty more before the Summer is done.

So my teeth. If you count the time the pain first started until now, I have been down over two weeks and my house totally shows it and I hate it!!!!! Like most people, I neglect the importance of the dentist because of the astronomical cost of everything they do. And most importantly the last visit I had over 6 years ago, I was told that all 4 of my wisdom teeth were impacted and it would cost about 2 thousand dollars to have them removed which we didn't have, and still pretty much have never had. So I ignored them and the idea of going to a dentist again and being told that I had to do this horrible thing at this horrible price. Over the years they have occasionally bothered me, but nothing extreme, making it easier to ignore. But over the last year, when there has been pain, it has been severe, and the teeth on the bottom started to poke through just a little. However the pain only lasted a day or two and then it was gone. This time, by the time I made an appointment, I was at 5 days of pain with it only getting worse every day that passed. I went in on a Monday and had surgery on Wednesday morning. It wasn't as expensive as I was told 6 years ago in California, and was told that it would actually be covered under our Medical and not Dental plan. Wish I would have knows that then because I actually had pretty good medical at the time and it would have cost us only about $500. Anyway, the bill was close to $1300, and I am hoping that we overpaid because what they billed was different than what our insurance told me they should have been billing. We'll see.

I started this yesterday and got too emotional during the process and decided to walk away from it. So Obviously the day of surgery was miserable. My FIL took Salem to the bus in the morning so that we would't have been late, but we have no experience with traffic in that area and totally would have been fine taking her ourselves. After checking in and paying, Scott took Ian to my friend Danielle's place and they called to tell him that I was done while he was driving back. Typically they give prescriptions out so the person driving the patient home can go get them while surgery is happening, but they didn't give them to Scott until we were leaving so we had to stop on the way home. And of course, because it was the first prescription I filled at Target since moving to Georgia, there was an issue and what should have taken 20 minutes, took over an hour. I couldn't wait to take my medicine until we got home. I was fighting tears driving back because all the meds they gave me had warn off, as well as the local anesthetic that numbed my face. Scott thankfully had half of a water bottle in the car that I could drink my pills down with. He got me in the house and into bed and that is where I stayed all day. And him too. He kept me company and made sure I took my meds around the clock so that there was no lull in paid medication. He even wrote down a schedule for me so that we would know when I was supposed to take everything, especially when he wasn't home. He got Salem from the bus and was supposed to get Ian, but Danielle ended up bringing him home at about 3. Scott made sure I took my meds in the middle of the night too, and did everything he could to get the kids to leave me alone. The next two days were hard with him at work. He took Salem to the bus in the morning which really helped, but it was near impossible to get Ian to nap without nursing, and Salem resented me for needing her help. I started getting sick on Friday, and basically was nauseous for 5 days. My stomach still isn't right. My energy is still low, and so far as far as pain goes, I have yet to see the benefit of doing this. Apparently the pain and recovery is worse the longer you wait, so I guess it's my own fault that I waited until I was 30.

The weekend after my surgery we were supposed to go to Nashville to see Justin and Destiny, which I really needed to do. We didn't go though. Obviously because I wasn't feeling well, but mostly because of money. On top of having to shell out money for an unplanned surgery, Scott has not had the best month at work, and he wanted to preserve the money we have now, to stretch into helping out next month. It all makes sense, but I am seriously longing for any tangible reminders of California at this point. I feel so alienated and detached. I cry all the time. I really believed there was a possibility we would be able to get there this Summer for a visit, but there is absolutely no way that is happening.

Ian's ultrasound wasn't covered at all by medical because we haven't met our deductible yet, and the bill is almost $600. I just feel like we are never going to be in a place where we can afford the trip back. Even if you don't take into consideration airfare, no one has room for us anymore and so we need to stay in a hotel, and rent a car, and feed ourselves while we are there. We are talking thousands of dollars. I can't hardly believe it. I honestly daydream about getting the kids in the car, and just heading West. I love it here, but I don't feel whole.

To make it worse, the gap between me and Scott is only growing. I don't want to acknowledge it more than it needs to be. I've tried being a good wife. Making lunches for him, and keeping the house clean. Encouraging him and telling him how proud I am of him. Always making sure that I let him know I LOVE HIM. I tried cuddling with him during my days in bed. I've kissed him even when I know he doesn't want it. Purposefully forget my towel so he has to look at me undressed. It's like a month ago he decided because we didn't have sex for a week, he's mad or hurt or whatever and is going to stay that way. I'm just too hurt. For so many years he has asked me to tell him what I need to be happy and for months I tell him, let him know I don't feel appreciated, and when he acknowledges it it's because he's upset about a week of no sex, and then shuts down on me. What the hell is that? He's the only person I have here. The only family I've got other than my kids, he's my whole world, and he has checked out on me. Again. I just keep praying God will intervene in a huge way because I don't have the energy to push past this. I am completely at the mercy of needing divine intervention.

Anything else I should cover? My oldest of two brothers says he is saving money to buy a plane ticket to come visit us in August. Scott and I told him we would pay for him to fly home so long as he has money to do things with while he is here. I'm excited and so are the kids, but I am trying not to get my hopes up too much because he's terrible with money. Mother's Day was ok. I felt like an afterthought. Scott didn't even take the kids to get me cards, and forced me to pick out a gift at the mall after church. Just one year I would like to not have to say what I want. I would like the effort put into me that I put into him. I would have been ok with going to the mall and getting something if that was the plan all along, but it wasn't. He treated me nice, and made sure he told me multiple times that I am a great mommy, and church did a great job of making me cry with gifts and what they did with the kids. It was a pretty good day, it just left me feeling like I don't really matter all that much, like I have for months. Oh, and before tooth aches and recovery time, I had gotten in a really good routine. I was working out, on top of house chores, and committed to being impactful with my days. Now I am horribly out of practice, and not permitted to work out again until next week. I had more energy yesterday and made play dough with the kids and even made a full course dinner, so I am hoping for more of that today so I can get the house more in order. I got laundry caught up though which really felt like an accomplishment.