Taking Stock in Ultimate Randomness

So I am awake a little early today. Not really early by any stretch. Its after 7 AM, but I usually don't get fully awake until 8 or so. But I am just sitting here taking account of where things are at. The ex is headed off for a test this morning she needs to take for her job. She was mentioning to me how the boyfriend is getting almost 10 grand from a recently deceased relative's estate. She had only mentioned it because she was kinda jealous of him getting that money. I told her, since she has a life insurance policy on me, she can just hope a car takes me out or something. She said it wouldn't be worth it for just a hundred grand. I beg to differ. Getting wiped out is about the only helpful thing I can do for her at this point. People seem to have this mistaken idea that having me around is worth more than that. Problem is one I realized last night. I am a leech. I don't want to be, I have good intentions, I really try not to be, but I am. People waste time, money, affection on me. I can never pay any of them back for it. My job prospects are bleak at this point. Not sure if I have enough money to make it through school, won't be able to get much of a job without a degree, so I'll be lucky to take care of myself let alone anyone else. And I think I have finally gotten to the point where I can keep myself from dragging anyone else into my messes, so that means no more talking to D. She really is far too good looking for me. She can get any guy she wants, and I am sure I can't be the only one that would treat her well, and that's even if she wants to bother. She definitely does not need a guy. She is stronger than that. And frankly, I am a pretty lousy friend when it comes right down to it. I should be better and I wish I was, but I just keep messing everything up. So really, I just need to give up on the idea of a relationship. The ex made a good point the other day. Our relationship died and any future one I have will, my words there, because I cannot care about myself. As I have stated before, I may know the good in myself, and I might be able to see the good things other people talk about me, but I just can't seem to believe it and, if I haven't started to believe it after 32 years, I'm not sure that I'm going to. So what do I have at this point? A mountain of debt, little to no ambition or job prospect, and a long future of being alone, unless some higher being decides to take pity on me and lets me out of this soon. Not exactly a future worth looking forward to. But that is where things stand.