Mine in 2014

Something that's held a prominent place in my head for a long time, and been particularly strong again lately, is the feeling that I don't really have anything that I can call "mine." There are things I share part ownership in, of course, but nothing that feels like it is solely mine.

Sharing a house with my brother is a good thing for the past part. It's been financially easier than the alternatives. It kept us close to my parents for when my dad was sick last year, and to help with my elderly grandmother who lives with my mom. It's let us spend some time together as well, which has been good. And there's still plenty of privacy as we are both frequently out at work, alternate times at my mom's, plus him out at times with his girlfriend.

But there's a big part of me that still really wants a place of my own. I'm not even sure I can put into words exactly why. I know there's a selfish element to it (there seems to be a selfish element to a lot of things driving me lately), but I think it's more than just being selfish. It....represents something I can't quite put my finger on.

That goes for other parts of my life, too. I have several friends who are better writers than I am, despite how much I want to follow that path in a meaningful way. Some have already been published. Others likely will in the foreseeable future. Many are much more prolific and....have a much easier, seemingly more natural ability to turn out a lot of good writing. Several are just flat out better than I am. Even my best friend, who works in a children's hospital, has been pushed to publish the little educational books she's written for her patients even though she's never really considered herself a writer. And I've read a bit of them. They're good, and definitely worth publishing.

Same with school. My girlfriend, for example, is a better student, and especially graduate student, than I was and likely could be. For a long time, the Masters to PhD route was what I saw for myself. She'll get that before I will, and I have a few other friends with one or multiple graduate degrees already. And I'm not sure I could dedicate myself with the time and energy, and mindset, needed to go that route.... though I do still intend and want to get at least a Masters at some point.

I know most of that shouldn't matter, and usually it doesn't. But there's this strong need to have something that's just mine, that's not shared or done for someone else. I'm not sure what it will look like....what part of my life it'll be. But it's something I think about a lot, and more as I get older. I know there has to be an unhealthy impetus behind at least part of it, but for the most part, I think it's a good motivator. If I can just figure out the best way to put it into action.

I just don't know.... But then I seem to say that a lot. I feel.....like there's no real sense of certainty anywhere in my life, and I need some. No...stability. No anchor anywhere. That's also something I need to find.....