It’s Whatever in Current Events

Toni and I signed our lease yesterday. We get the place for May 1st. We thought that we would be allowed to move in two weeks early but our caretaker decided to let the previous tenants move out slowly into a bigger suite. It’s whatever. I just miss my computer. Actually, I just miss gaming to kill time. I’ll hook my PlayStation up to the TV downstairs here at my mothers. Socialist media is boring and it’s all I got. I do have my audibles but I haven’t been able to focus.

I’m 35 and living with my mother, I’m officially premium dating material. I don’t want to feel like a spoiled brat here but they’re a little annoying at times. Surely, I’m annoying too, to my mother and her boyfriend. I get a daily report of all the little things I did wrong. From leaving a cup in another room to not folding a towel correctly. It’s whatever.

A few weeks ago I was meditating and when my eyes are closed there are lights and colors and a few weeks ago they formed a crystal clear image of a deck with stairs leading to a sliding door of a house. I remember thinking how weird that was. It wasn’t like seeing an image in my mind it was like seeing an image in front of me but with my eyes closed. Yesterday I decided to eat my breakfast outside in the backyard so I could sun gaze and realized that I was sitting on that very deck. This vision happened right before my sisters husband abruptly kicked me out. Am I clairvoyant now? Lol just a coincidence I’m sure. It’s whatever.

The only hard part about living here is witnessing them watch the news. Witnessing them voluntarily brainwash themselves. Just in general, with people, I don’t know what paradigm of information to interact with them with. I feel like I’m in one big LARP. Like I’m supposed to help let them believe in Santa Clause and the boogey man. If I start to say anything real they cut me off, they get angry and become deeply irrational. Logic and reason can’t come anywhere near them. They’re in a cult. A friend of mine who works in healthcare got into a debate with a mainstream cult doctor who could only cite CNN and ran everything through Snopes. This is a person who makes medical decisions for people. What an absolute waste of human intelligence. This older generation, they’re so deeply out of touch they’re dangerous. It’s not whatever. The choices they’re making are consequential but they are too indentured in these lies to see what they are doing to themselves and to each other. Worse even, to their children.

Speaking of dating material, I’ve been trying to fantasize about the perfect partner for me. I want an evolved person and the guys in my city are just not even close. It’s like, they all have broken hearts and are trying to fix that with more relationships. Or with drugs, sex and whatever else. I don’t want a “build a bear.” As in, I don’t want to have to fix a person. I guess I want a spiritually evolved person. Spirituality just being the inner world, the unseen, somebody who can actually deal with their emotions, their karma, instead wasting their existence trying to pretend that pain isn’t happening to them. I’m not hurting when I drink, smoke, eat garbage, make that purchase, have that affair, get high etc I want somebody who is complete, who expanded inward and doesn’t need somebody to make them feel whole… it’s a tall order. It’s whatever. I’m not in a rush. Complete is not a good word to use here, I just don’t have the patience to be around people who externalize everything for too long.

I am only thinking about it because, I guess since I quit watching porn my mind is open to it now? I dunno. I also learned about holy matrimony, the real one. Sort of. Not the Jesuit one. The point was to get a partner to practice the holy science of ascension with. They would have tantric sex to transfer that sexual energy all over the body. They wouldn’t ejaculate because that made you a degenerate. You wouldn’t be able to ascend after that, your energy would change forever. You only sacrificed that to generate another life. I already know how to have that orgasm inward and make it last for as long as I want without ejaculating but.. it’s whatever.

I am still failing miserably to disconnect from the shadow in the collective consciousness. I just about cried myself to sleep over the border crisis in America. Listening to what is happening to those children. I don’t care about the partisan warfare, I just want those kids to be safe and they are not safe. Everything is a war against children right now but nobody wants to wake up and look at the corruption and the evil. They just want to cleave to their bloated privilege and go back to their fake normal. I expanded my self-awareness way beyond myself and I’m starting to regret it. Sometimes I just want to shrink my consciousness way down to the same level of the sheep and just be blissfully ignorant. It’s whatever.

I’m in a mood today, that’s on me. I had some wine before bed. I’ll have to sit down with my budget book and day planner and start sorting things out. The existential dread that the rug could be pulled out from under me again is always looming over me. PTSD much? I was step off because the chubby commies think they have the right to bend everybody around them to care about their health and help them manage it. “I have the right to not be put at risk blah blah” I saw them whining about those who don’t want anything to do with vaccine passports this morning and that stuck in my craw. First of all fuck germ theory but most of all fuck collectivism. Fuck forcing me to be responsible for absolute losers who suck at life and suck at making good choices. I’ll serve my community on my terms and it isn’t going to be doing things for them they can do themselves. These people are narcissists, absolute me-monsters. Thank god I cured my disease to please. Niceness is a disease. It rots boundaries. I want to help people who want to help themselves. I want to be around people who are victors, not victims. Those who are in their power and fixing their lives and fixing their karma. Who are on a journey and not just stuck in their ways. Blah, it’s whatever. It’s